Written on
January 11, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today’s Ask Stacy reminds us of the three elements of a true apology: “sorry,” responsibility for the choice taken, and promise for the future.
Stacy Kaiser writes (excerpt):
A true apology should consist of three elements: taking responsibility for your mistake, saying you’re sorry and a commitment to never do what hurt that person again. . . . Here’s what a heartfelt apology should sound like: “Even though I missed you, I should never have directed my attention to another man. I should have come to you to try to fix the problem. For that I am truly sorry. I made two mistakes, I flirted with another man and I didn’t communicate with you how I was feeling. I promise to never do either of those again. I will never direct my affections to another man and I will come to you any time things are not right. Will you please forgive me?”
Posted in Families/Children, General, Relationships 
No Comments »
Written on
January 1, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Parenting.com give us the “Top 10 Parenting Fails of 2011.” If you didn’t make the list, rejoice! Sasha Emmons of Parenting.com includes items on:
Mom Uses Hot Sauce as Punishment
Moms Selling Babies
Girl Brings Dad’s Cocaine to School
Mom Gets 7-Year-Old a Boob Job
Mom Dresses Daughter Like a Prostitute
Dad Throws Son Off Cruise Ship
Drunk Woman Shoots Breast Milk at Cops
Mom Sues Preschool for Dashing Ivy League Dreams
Girl Busts Mom for Drunk Driving
Pregnant Mom: Smoking is Good for the Baby!
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
December 1, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN includes tips on what to do if you want more sex in your life. It’s the same secret to a lasting relationship and marriage: be nice.
Ian Kerner, the Good in Bed counselor, quotes Emily Nagoski, the self-proclaimed Sex Nerd, commenting on John Gottman’s book “The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples” (excerpt):
“Boiling down the richly complex body of work described in the book to one sentence, Gottman’s point is that trust is made of people believing that their partners will be nice, that the partner will make an effort to make life better for you . . . .”
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
November 29, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Love and Logic newsletter encourages parents to avoid the tendency of kids to throw one parent’s house rules against the other. L&L also reassures us that children can have two homes and still grow into healthy adults.
Dr. Charles Fay writes (excerpt):
Smart parents know that kids are capable of adjusting to different styles of parenting, and that children will eventually…as adults…come to respect the parent who is the healthiest.
When their child says something like, “Mom gives me candy before dinner,” these wise parents don’t call their ex and accuse. . . . They just smile and answer, “You noticed that your parents are different. I allow dessert after dinner.”
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
November 20, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Journal of Family Psychology tackles the mystery of “why even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce.”
The research abstract for Justin Lavner and Thomas Bradbury’s article states (excerpt):
Divorcing couples displayed more negative communication, emotion, and social support as newlyweds compared with couples who did not divorce. . . . Overall, results indicate that even couples who are very successful at navigating the early years of marriage can be vulnerable to later dissolution if their interpersonal exchanges are poorly regulated.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
October 19, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Wall Street Journal explains the challenges in finding the right patient therapist fit and how those challenges can be overcome by asking three questions: How would you propose treating me? How long do you think it would take? How do you know what you do works?
Melinda Beck writes (excerpt):
One issue for prospective patients is that therapists generally specialize in one treatment approach and tend to see patients’ problems through that lens. A cognitive-behavioral therapist will focus on changing patients’ negative thinking patterns, while a psychoanalyst will want to probe more deeply into how the past is affecting current issues.
Some clinics and university mental-health centers offer consultations to help evaluate which treatment might be best. “Patients shouldn’t have to decide this by themselves,” says Drew Ramsey, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at New York’s Columbia University, who says he loves to play “shrink matchmaker.”
Posted in Families/Children, Gentler Divorce, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
October 4, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today and Health Day reveal the secret to getting through a divorce and coming out okay: self-compassion.
Robert Preidt writes (excerpt):
They [the University of Arizona researchers] explained that self-compassion — a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass — “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce.”
****
If divorced people are able to view their losses as part of the wider human experience and accept feelings of hurt or jealousy without judgment, Sbarra said, people may feel less anxious and isolated.
Posted in Families/Children, Gentler Divorce, Relationships, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
September 28, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
FindLaw shows the traditional and the modern approaches to annulments based on allegations of fraud.
Joanna L. Grossman writes (excerpt):
In Part One of this series, I discussed the traditional approach to defining fraud as a ground for annulment, which requires that the misrepresentation relate to the “essentials of the marriage” – some aspect of marriage that is fundamentally important to any marriage, not just to the particular spouse seeking an annulment.
In this Part, I will argue that there has been at least a subtle shift in the doctrine in some jurisdictions away from this one-size-fits-all approach to a more individualized approach. Under this more modern approach, a court might ask whether a misrepresentation related to something that was fundamental to this marriage, rather than to marriage in general. This type of approach treats marriage more like other contracts – where private parties define the terms of the deal, as well as the circumstances under which they are willing to enter it at all.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes No Comments »
Written on
August 20, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The National Post highlights Ontario’s move toward mandatory information sessions promoting divorce mediation. Kathryn Blaze Carlson writes (excerpt):
Had Scott McLarty and his then-wife been forced to consider divorce mediation as an alternative to litigation, he might have been spared $15,000 in legal fees and a two-year court battle over spousal support.
****
“I think it would have been a catalyst for us to take a step back, take a deep breath, and see if there were things we could sort out on our own,” said Mr. McLarty, 57, of the demise of a 25-year union that was ultimately settled out of court to save money. “When you’re going through a divorce, you’re angry, you’re depressed, you’re in an ‘I want to win’ mentality. The information session encourages you to try to work together and come to a solution.”
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Mediation/ADR 1 Comment »
Written on
June 9, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN reminds us, in light of the Congressman Anthony Wiener scandal, what makes an emotional affair.
Ian Kerner writes (excerpt):
In her seminal book on emotional infidelity, “Not Just Friends,” the late psychotherapist Shirley Glass implores readers to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.” She contends than an emotional affair is marked by three distinguishing qualities:
– Close friendship and emotional intimacy. [feeling of shared closeness and understanding]
– Sexual attraction. [feelings of attraction]
– Secrecy. Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. In an emotional affair, each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
June 7, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
“Everything you can imagine is real.”–Pablo Picasso
You’ve heard the saying: Perception is reality. So how can we collaborate through divorce negotiations to a fair resolution when you and your spouse start with such vastly different sets of perceptions?
As strange as it seems, the collaborative divorce process actually moves you through perceptions by promoting fairness in ways the court system simply cannot.
Some couples divorcing through the court’s adversarial system find that they never had a chance to speak for themselves. Sure, they may have been to court. There were hearings on temporary matters, status conferences, settlement conferences and the like. And yet, the usual course of proceeding excluded them. The attorneys did all the talking in front of the judge. The clients remained silent. If unrepresented, one or both parties may have had a chance to speak briefly, but often the court interrupt due to time limitations, a party wandering far afield from the matters at hand, or a combination of both. The man and the woman each leave the courthouse wondering if things might have worked out differently had they just been able to tell the judge their story.
In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you meaningful opportunities to tell your story. Individual sessions may be structured or led by an attorney or a divorce coach or a financial advisor, but the clients are expected to do most of the talking. You share your concerns, needs, insights and ideas. You tell their story, and your perceptions matter.
Some couples divorcing through the adversarial system find that even when they had some chance to speak for themselves, their concerns and ideas were disregarded. No one took them seriously, and no one listened.
In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you assurances that your spouse and the professionals in the process are listening to you, understand what you are saying and care about you. The professionals are trained to focus on you, really listen to what you are saying, see your point of view and fashion solutions that factor in your contributions to the outcome. Your perceptions matter and coexist, front and center, with those of your spouse.
Some spouses in the adversarial system complain that they were not treated fairly. The other spouse was given some tactical advantage: more time, more access to money or resources, more “second chances.” The decision-maker was biased against them. The proceedings forced them to capitulate; they were in a war of attrition, and they lost.
In a collaborative divorce, the process treats each person in a fair and evenhanded manner. The professionals are trained to balance time and resources, and to support you through separation and divorce. You remain in charge, and together, you are the decision-makers. The process works toward consensus and problem solving. We move from where each spouse is–the individual sets of perceptions–into a shared vision for parenting and mutually agreeable solutions for moving forward in separate directions.
Some spouses in the adversarial system spent tremendous amounts of time, energy and money to fight in court. They thought justice would flow from fighting for months about the past and about who was to blame. They were looking for relief, and they ended up being hurt.
In a collaborative divorce, you are accorded dignity and respect. The commitment from the very start is not about the past, fighting or blame. The professionals move the focus from the past to your family’s future, to what your family needs and which solutions provide the best “fit” for each member of your family. The facts and circumstances, including each person’s perceptions are assessed, discussed, listened to, and evaluated. The solutions flow from those perceptions and lead you to the solutions.
The collaborative divorce process is real. Imagine collaborating your way through perceptions, through divorce negotiations and into a fair resolution, and your reality will be a process that promotes fairness, communication and understanding, cooperation and collaboration, dignity and respect.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Gentler Divorce, Mediation/ADR, Procedures/Rules No Comments »
Written on
June 6, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
Psychology Today reveals how storytelling helps persuasion.
Peter Guber writes (excerpt):
[T]elling purposeful stories is certainly the most efficient means of persuasion in everyday life, the most effective way of translating ideas into action . . . .
. . . Stories, on the other hand, are state-of-the-heart technology—they connect us to others. They provide emotional transportation, moving people to take action on your cause because they can very quickly come to psychologically identify with the characters in a narrative or share an experience—courtesy of the images evoked in the telling.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
May 22, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN provides a number of insights into infidelity (of course in the wake of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver), and what comes next. There also are 3 tips for when you discover an affair.
Amy Wilson writes (excerpt):
[Dr. Steve Solomon] gave this advice:
1) Don’t rush to make any big decisions, especially irreversible ones.
2) Don’t tell your children. Especially if they are small.
3) Take care of yourself. This will ensure the patience and calm you will need.
Posted in Families/Children, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
May 14, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times covers the topic of divorce lawyers discovering evidence from social networking sites. Included is a comment about the role of fault in a no-fault divorce.
Nadine Brozan writes (excerpt):
“No-fault does not mean that fault is irrelevant,” said Kenneth P. Altshuler, a lawyer in Portland, Me., and the president-elect of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “It is when you are lying about money, when you show bad behavior in front of children, when there is untreated substance abuse. Facebook has made it very easy to show lack of credibility and that is what can win a case. Once you catch them in one lie, nothing else they say is credible to the judge.”
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes, Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
May 12, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Financial Post offers four steps to effective persuasion focused on identifying a problem facing the other person that you can help solve.
Sandra Folk writes (excerpt):
Clearly identify your goal. . . .
Determine your approach. [reason, logic, and facts; values and emotions; credible studies or spokespersons]
Be prepared with evidence. . . .
Use compelling language. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
April 3, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CBS Money Watch offers Jane Bryant Quinn’s list of “10 Steps to Avoid Losing Your Shirt in a Divorce.”
Jane Bryant Quinn writes (excerpt):
10. Put $$$ in your pocket by avoiding a battle with your spouse. In hard times, divorcing couples struggle for every dime. But the more you fight, the more of those dimes vanish in lawyer’s fees. If there are no children and few assets, you can usually do the divorce yourselves, even if you’re only speaking by email. Otherwise, try to reach a preliminary agreement before a lawyer comes into the picture. Consider a divorce mediation professional, or a collaborative divorce where couples and their lawyers agree in advance to bargain instead of going to court. . . .
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Gentler Divorce, Mediation/ADR 1 Comment »
Written on
March 12, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
BNET highlights 5 tips for improving public speaking from a Harvard Business Review blog entry by Dan Pallotta (who offers 8 more tips).
Dave Johnson writes (excerpt):
Know the goal of the speech. . . .
. . . Memorize your speech word for word. Because only then can you add emotion and emphasis to it. . . .
Practice your transitions. . . . [K]now exactly how to get from one main point to the next.
Don’t rely on PowerPoint as your notes. The PowerPoint slides are for your audience, not for you. . . .
Don’t speak in abstractions. . . . Put your speech in plain English, as if you were talking to actual human beings.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
March 3, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN covers Facebook’s facilitation of emotional affairs and infidelity.
Ian Kerner writes (excerpt):
[W]hile feeling attraction is unavoidable, acting on it crosses the line. Attraction is one ingredient of an emotional affair. In order for attraction to launch into an emotional affair, a person has to also develop intimacy and, eventually, a feeling of connection with that person that supersedes their current relationship. In other words, attraction + effort + intimacy = emotional infidelity. Take away one, and all you’re left with is a natural instinct or a harmless Facebook friendship. Put all three together, and with friends like that… your relationship has a new enemy.
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
February 7, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
Ontario Superior Court Justice J.W. Quinn wrote some interesting footnotes to his decision in Bruni v. Bruni, 2010 ONSC 6568 (COURT FILE NO.: 384/07; November 29, 2010):
[2] At one point in the trial, I asked Catherine: “If you could push a button and make Larry disappear from the face of the earth, would you push it?” Her I-just-won-a-lottery smile implied the answer that I expected.
[3] I am prepared to certify a class action for the return of all wedding gifts.
[4] It is likely that, in the period 2004-2006, Larry was having one or more extramarital affairs. Interestingly, Larry’s father was married five times, in addition to going through several relationships. Perhaps there is an infidelity gene.
[7] The courtroom energy level in a custody/access dispute spikes quickly when there is evidence that one of the parents has a Hells Angels branch in her family tree. Certainly, my posture improved. Catherine’s niece is engaged to a member of the Hells Angels. I take judicial notice of the fact that the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club is a criminal organization (and of the fact that the niece has made a poor choice).
[21] A finger is worth a thousand words and, therefore, is particularly useful should one have a vocabulary of less than a thousand words.
[22] When the operator of a motor vehicle yells “jackass” at a pedestrian, the jackassedness of the former has been proved, but, at that point, it is only an allegation as against the latter.
[23] In recent years, the evidence in family trials typically includes reams of text messages between the parties, helpfully laying bare their true characters. Assessing credibility is not nearly as difficult as it was before the use of e-mails and text messages became prolific. Parties are not shy about splattering their spleens throughout cyberspace.
[26] The New Shorter Oxford English Dictionary defines “dickhead” as “a stupid person.” That would not have been my first guess.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes, Procedures/Rules, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
January 7, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times highlights the role of self-expansion in marriages and relationships: how helping your partner become a better person, makes the relationship happier and more satisfied. The article includes a link to the “sustainable-marriage quiz”
Tara Parker-Pope writes (excerpt):
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. . . .
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
Posted in General, Relationships No Comments »
