Written on
December 13, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
SFGate’s Amy Graff provides relationship advice from Elizabeth Dixon from the Kaiser Permanente Employee Assistance Program (excerpt):
Dixon says the key is to think of marriage as a bank account. You’re constantly writing checks and making withdrawals . . . . “But you have to make some deposits or else your account will run dry,” Dixon says. . . .
Here are Dixon’s top tips on how to make deposits into your “marriage account” . . . .
Take notice.
Be careful of the ‘but.’
Focus on the positive.
Schedule time together.
Do exciting things.
Talk intimately.
Practice small acts of love.
Get physical, often.
Posted in Relationships 
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Written on
December 4, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The San Francisco Chronicle peaks into our futures: marriage gets better after the kids are out, so says a UC-Berkeley study.
Leslie Fulbright writes (excerpt):
“We found that marital satisfaction increased as the women transitioned to an empty nest,” said Sara Gorchoff, one of the authors of the study and a doctoral candidate in the psychology department. “It was not that they spent more time with their partners but that they were better enjoying the time they spent with their partners.”
See also: USA Today
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Written on
November 18, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
Love and Logic’s Dr. Charles Fay offers tips for helping kids cope with divorce (excerpt):
Remember that they need to feel free to love both of you. [Dont’ talk negatively about the other parent and watch your nonverbal messages.]
Understand that the healthier you grieve, the healthier they will. [Don’t get stuck in anger and don’t act in ways that interfere with your children’s relationship with the other parent.]
Resist the urge to parent through guilt. [Your goal is to help your children become respectful and responsible adults.]
Listen, listen, listen…and empathize. [Help your kids understand it’s okay to be upset about the separation but not okay to act in disrespectful or irresponsible ways.]
Posted in Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
November 8, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
Dallas-Fort Worth’s CBS 11 News investigated how Collaborative Divorce helps lower the stress on divorcing couples.
Tracy Kornet reported (excerpt):
During this process, the husband, wife and their attorneys work together — in private — to find a way to meet each individual’s needs.
“The process is so structured,” Denton explained. “It allows folks to get through and get to the same place so they can make decisions together. It provides an environment where everyone is really motivated to be on their best behavior at a time when it’s sometimes hard to be on your best behavior because you’re so emotional.”
****
Denton said choice is one of the key advantages to the collaborative process. The couple has much more control in their family’s fate and their finances — as opposed to involving the courts.
A typical collaborative case might take four months to settle where a family could spent up to 17 months in the court system.
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Written on
October 20, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
Times Online reports on more fallout from the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce: a call by senior High Court family judge Justice Coleridge for collaborative divorce. [The Telegraph also covered the story.]
Frances Gibb writes (excerpt):
Under the new process, the spouses and their lawyers meet to agree settlements at a fraction of the cost of a full-blow courttoom battle. If the negotations fail, the couples have to start all over again with new lawyers.
The negotiations by trained lawyers are in private and go at the client’s pace. They are suitable for big-money divorces as well as ordinary ones. But the common factor is that they are carried out outside the courtroom.
Other experts are employed including financial advisors, family counsellors and others to help the couple work out ways to agree arrangements over children and cope with the “emotional fall-out”.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
October 3, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Oprah.com suggest we focus on connecting nonverbally with compassion for each other and with touch, sex, doing things together, and sharing moments together.
Barbara Graham writes (excerpt):
“It’s the connection, stupid!” exclaims Love, quickly adding that it’s not me personally she’s calling stupid. “Everyone — men, women, myself included — needs to learn that before we can communicate with words, we need to connect nonverbally. We can do that in simple ways, through touch, sex, doing things together. The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you’re not talking.”
Stosny puts it this way: “We need to stop trying to assess the bonding verbally and instead let the words come out of the bonding.” Interestingly, he adds, “When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less, so they meet somewhere in the middle. Being aware of the fear-shame dynamic helps.”
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Written on
October 2, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Telegraph quantifies the secret to a happy marriage:
4 hugs a day
7 evenings in together each month
2 dinner dates a month
2 romantic walks a month
1 visit to a pub or cinema without children or friends
1 evening away from each other a month
flowers or a gift for the wife once a month
John Bingham writes (excerpt):
The secret of maintaining a happy marriage is four hugs a day, a study has found.
A poll of 4,000 couples found that spending at least 22 periods of “quality time” together every month, such as going for a walk or sharing a romantic meal, were also key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
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Written on
September 11, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times your smartest financial decision is marrying someone who shares your attitudes about money.
Tara Siegel Bernard writes (excerpt):
“A lot of the debates people have about money are code for how we want to live our lives,” said Betsey Stevenson, assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, who researches the economics of marriage and divorce. “A lot of the choices we make in how we want to live our lives involve how we spend our money.”
Making those choices as a team is one of the most important ways to preserve your marital assets, and your union, experts say. But it’s that much easier when you already share similar outlooks on money matters — or when you can, at the very least, find some middle ground.
[Bernard discusses these guidelines:]
TALK AND SHARE GOALS
RUN A HOME LIKE A BUSINESS
BE SUPPORTIVE OF CAREERS
ENJOY, BUT WITHIN REASON
USE A MEDIATOR
MAINTAIN SOME INDEPENDENCE
INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE
Posted in Relationships, Finances/Tax No Comments »
Written on
September 4, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
Good Housekeeping replaces old marriage myths with “new rules.”
Sarah Mahoney notes 5 new rules (excerpt):
Sleep on it. Conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed down and are well rested.
A marriage doesn’t run on feelings — it thrives because both spouses work hard on it.
There’s no reason you won’t grow more sexually connected.
Your marriage can flourish in that new freedom.
It’s not a crisis — and it’s not just for men.
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Written on
August 27, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABC News Medical Unit shows Madonna and Guy Ritchie leading the way–renewing their vows in an attempt to mend a broken marriage.
Dan Childs writes (excerpt):
Heitler says that in terms of the success rate she has seen for mended marriages, “80 percent end up with a wonderful marriage.” But she notes that in order to succeed, those who recommit to each other need to develop three crucial skill sets: the ability to make shared decisions, the ability to consistently talk in tactful ways and listen to their partner’s response and stay in control of their emotions so they can avoid letting their anger take control in their relationship.
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Written on
August 26, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today maps out the “rough road to manhood.”
Sharon Jayson writes (excerpt):
“Guys know they’re supposed to treat women as equals,” says Andrew Smiler . . . . “But we haven’t changed masculinity and we haven’t taught boys and men how to deal with these women.”
****
In his 2007 book Boys Adrift, family physician Leonard Sax of Malvern, Pa., suggests that many young men are becoming slackers, in part because of too many hours of video games and a dearth of role models that undermine male motivation.
****
In their early 20s, “around relationships and around careers, women seem more focused and task-oriented and have a better-defined life plan than the men do,” [Michael] Kimmel says. He worries that “that leads men to look more irresponsible or slackerly.”
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Written on
August 25, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Christian Science Monitor shows how putting your marriage first helps the whole family.
David Code explains the three keys to a successful marriage and family (excerpt):
1) Recognize that we’ve already chosen the perfect spouse. . . .
2) . . . To create a happy marriage, we need to go from the fantasy . . . to the truth, “I wouldn’t do any better in my next marriage, so I might as well give 100 percent to this one;” and
3) Recognize that if we build a great marriage, we create a great role model for our kids, and they learn self-reliance and cooperation in the process.
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Written on
August 23, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Sarnacki Law Firm is respected for its honest advice, creative solutions and effective advocacy. The two key components for the firm’s success are:
* Legal Ability: our expertise, the nature of our practice and our specialized qualifications.
* Standards of Conduct: our adherence to ethics, reliability, diligence and standards of professional conduct.
David C. Sarnacki has been selected as one of the best lawyers in Grand Rapids and West Michigan. He is the only person to have served as the leader of three of the State Bar’s largest specialty groups: Litigation Section, Law Practice Management Section and Family Law Section. Mr. Sarnacki has been selected as one of the Best Lawyers in America (top 2.4% in country), designated a Michigan Super Lawyer (top 5%), accepted as a Fellow in Michigan State Bar Foundation (limited to 5% of Michigan attorneys), awarded Martindale-Hubbell’s AV Rating (top 11% in nation), and cited as an authority by United States Supreme Court.
Trained as a trial attorney, mediator and collaborative divorce attorney, Mr. Sarnacki has served on the faculties of the National Institute of Trial Advocacy/Hofstra University School of Law, United States Attorney General’s Advocacy Institute, Davenport University, and the Institute of Continuing Legal Education.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids No Comments »
Written on
August 23, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
MSNBC and Prevention Magazine summarize simple principles of persuasion and negotiation, and they further discuss examples for putting them into practice.
Kalee Thompson writes (excerpt):
1. Speak confidently
Get directly to the point, but make sure you aren’t domineering. . . .
2. Make eye contact
Holding someone’s gaze calms them, according to studies, and indicates you have something serious to communicate. . . .
3. Be expressive
Smile, gesture as you talk, and nod while others speak to show your interest. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
August 22, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
At Grand Rapids Collaborative Divorce I posted an excerpt from Pauline Tesler–via the ABA–highlighting the movement away from litigation toward Collaborative Law. In it, Pauline Tesler notes that switching to a collaborative law practice is:
Challenging since it”involves mastering knowledge and skills that were not taught to us in law school.”
Rewarding since “it is common for clients who reach agreements to express profound gratitude for the work done by both lawyers.”
Prudent since “even clients who can afford [full blown litigation] do not want it.”
Socially Useful since we lessen “the negative impact highly conflicted divorce proceedings can have on all parties . . . .”
Posted in Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
August 16, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
Business Week shows us ways to improve our presentations by following the lead of politicians and successful ad campaigns.
Carmine Gallo writes (excerpt):
[Anaphora.] Repeating a phrase at the beginning or end of successive sentences is a powerful rhetorical technique that business leaders can use to capture the attention of their audiences. It does not have to be reserved for political speeches. . . . [Obama’s “This is the moment.”]
****
Analogy. Analogies help us understand concepts that might be foreign to us. For example, you might have heard this one: “The computer chip is the brain of your computer.” . . .
Simile. . . . “What happens is the water tunnels to the bottom and makes the ice like Swiss cheese, sort of like termites.”. . .
Metaphors. . . . “You’re playing on the varsity team now.” Metaphors are visual images that help stimulate your listeners’ imaginations, creating that emotional connection required for persuasion. . . .
Triads. People remember three or four items in short-term memory. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy 1 Comment »
Written on
August 16, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Grand Rapids Press explains why custodial parents in Michigan will be paying the federal government $25 per year from the child support they receive.
Kyla King writes (excerpt):
“The Michigan legislators determined that it would be handled in this way,” she said.
The fee potentially affects about 240,000 cases of the state’s 700,000 cases, Stephen said.
About $16 of each $25 collected will be sent to the federal government.
The remainder will be funneled into the state’s child support program.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes, Finances/Tax No Comments »
Written on
August 15, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times reminds us that trial is inherently uncertain, a gamble that often does not payoff. The study to be published in September’s Journal of Empirical Legal Studies showed that 61 percent of plaintiffs who rejected settlement offers got less at trial and 24 percent of defendants who rejected offers paid more, leaving both sides right in choosing to go to trial 15 percent of the time.
Jonathan D. Glater writes (excerpt):
“Most clients think they are completely right,” Michael Shepard, a lawyer at Heller Ehrman in San Francisco. A good lawyer has to be able to tell clients that a judge or jury might see them differently, he continued. “Part of it is judgment and part of it is diplomacy.”
Several lawyers were dismissive of the study, noting that the statistics mean nothing when contemplating a particular case, with its specific facts and legal issues, before a specific judge. They stressed the importance of a lawyer’s experience.
Posted in The Practice, Persuasion/Advocacy, General No Comments »
Written on
August 14, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and LifeWire use the John Edwards confession-Elizabeth Edwards acceptance to look at what to do when your spouse has an affair or your spouse is in love with someone else and how to know whether to and how to save your marriage.
Sarah Jio writes (excerpt):
The key questions, she says, are: “Did you love each other before, and do you love each other now?” If the answers to both are yes, it’s worth reconciling for. It’s tough, she admits, but “I’ve seen people do this all the time.”
A sign that a relationship is doomed? When you realize that your goal is to punish your spouse for their infidelity, says Schwartz, or when the cheating partner refuses to change.
“If it’s a dead marriage, where you both barely even like each other, it may be fate’s way of telling you to give up,” she adds.
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Written on
August 13, 2008
by
David C. Sarnacki
COBRA [Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1985] provides the right for certain employees and their dependents to purchase continuation health care insurance coverage through their employers. The act applies to employers with 20 or more employees, including certain federal employees and State and local governments. See ERISA, 29 USC §§ 1161-1168; IRC § 4980B; 29 USC § 1003(b)(1); and 42 USC 300bb-1 et seq.
In order to secure your COBRA rights, you must act within 60 days of a “qualifying event,” that is, your divorce or legal separation. The covered employee or the qualified beneficiary (former spouse or dependent children) must notify the plan administrator, and the plan administrator must notify the qualified beneficiaries (at their last known addresses) of COBRA availability. The beneficiary must make a written decision within a 60 day window and must make the COBRA payment within another 45 day window.
In the event of divorce, COBRA coverage may continue for up to 36 months. It may terminate earlier if the employer terminates the entire plan, if premiums are not timely paid, or if the qualified beneficiary is covered by another employer’s group health plan. [A qualified beneficiary with a preexisting condition that is not covered by a new employer’s plan can use COBRA coverage until it, or the new plan’s exclusion period, expires.]
The primary drawbacks of COBRA are the expense of the premium payments and the fact that after the 36-month coverage period is up, the non-employee spouse does not necessarily have the ability to continue the coverage. In addition, if the former spouse had promised to make the payments but fails to send in the premium payment, the employer and/or insurance carrier can cancel the coverage.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes, Finances/Tax No Comments »
