Written on
January 31, 2010
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Daily News reveals research showing that couples who use ‘we’ are happier than those who use ‘I’, ‘me’ or ‘you.’
Sherryl Connelly writes (excerpt):
“We-ness” is a language that spouses who are better able to resolve conflicts speak, according to new study from the University of California, Berkeley.
The other good words are “our” and “us.” Pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” are a problem, according to the study.
Posted in Relationships 
No Comments »
Written on
January 20, 2010
by
Randy Flood
Tiger Woods’ treatment for Sex Addiction may do for Sex Addiction awareness what OJ Simpson did for awareness of Domestic Violence. Many men are secretively lost in the cyclone of Sex Addiction. Sex addiction is insidious and progressive. It is a toxin to the soul and fabric of individuals, relationships, and our communities. Although these men may present as good athletes, employees, fathers, friends or husbands, they need help. Their Giant problem will eventually awaken the people around them to the true reality of their lives.
It is my hope that the developing story of Tiger Woods will help individuals and communities deal more effectively with sex addiction. Our understanding and acceptance of sex addiction is decades behind alcohol addiction. Men and women can stand up and tell communities they have an alcohol addiction without necessarily experiencing rejection or ex-communication. On the contrary, sex addiction is often met with disgust, misunderstanding, and rejection. This cultivates the very isolation that makes the addiction grow. Addiction is like fungus; it grows in the dark, and dies in the light. The more individuals come out and talk about sex addiction, hopefully, the more communities will understand and work with the addicts. Insofar as alcoholics need accountability and support to recover, sex addicts do as well.
Treatment for sex addiction is a journey in recovery; a life-long process. Recovery begins with personal accountability and self-management. It expands to character and emotional development, relationship healing, and increased intimacy. It is my earnest hope that Tiger Woods experiences the aforementioned journey and that his stature and visibility will empower individuals to get help, and communities to work with them.
Posted in Relationships 3 Comments »
Written on
December 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
WOOD-TV reports that Grand Rapids marriage expert/author Emerson Eggerichs is off to Iraq to visit the troops. Here’s why (excerpt):
In November, the military released statistics noting in the 2009 fiscal year alone there were more than 27,000 divorces among service members. The military says those numbers have been rising steadily since 2001.
Posted in Relationships, Something Different 1 Comment »
Written on
December 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABA Journal.com tells us why one law firm switched to BlackBerrys: security issues and iPhone screenshots of your data.
Debra Cassens Weiss writes (excerpt):
Apple says its iPhone 3GS has hardware encryption, but it is still possible to gain access, they write, citing the work of data forensics expert Jonathan Zdziarski. He found a way to “jailbreak” the phone by “sucking a disk image from an encrypted drive to a destination drive,” the Law Practice Magazine article says. He has also figured out a way to replace a user’s unlock code to gain access to the phone’s contents.
Posted in Technology No Comments »
Written on
December 22, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABAJournal.comreports on the privilege afforded to a federal prosecutor whose private e-mail to his own lawyer was sent from a government computer at work.
Martha Neil writes (excerpt):
Because he is allowed to use his work e-mail account for personal communications, assistant U.S. Attorney Jonathan Tukel had a reasonable expectation of privacy in those personal communications, explains the U.S. District Court for the the District of Columbia in a written opinion. And because there was a reasonable expectation of privacy, they are confidential attorney-client privileged documents.
Another factor in the decision, according to the National Law Journal, is that Tukel wasn’t aware that the government had access to his account and might be looking at his personal e-mail.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes No Comments »
Written on
December 12, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Psychology Todaytutors men on how to apologize to a woman and maybe save a marriage along the way. [NOTE: This was written before the Tiger Woods scandal!]
Sam Margulies gives men these six elements of a proper apology to a woman(excerpt):
1. Acknowledge the Wrongful Act [”I was wrong and I am sorry.”]
2. Acknowledge that You Have Hurt her Feelings [”I was wrong and I am sorry that I have hurt your feelings.”]
3. Express Your Remorse [”I was wrong and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings and I feel terrible that I have done something that has hurt you.”]
4. State Your Intention Not to Repeat [”I know that I am sometimes insensitive to what you need but I am going to try my hardest not to do it again.”]
5. Offer to Make Amends [”What can I do to make it up to you?”]
6. Seek Forgiveness [”Will you forgive me?” or “Can you forgive me?”]
Posted in Relationships 1 Comment »
Written on
December 1, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today shows us how couples with plenty of relationship doubts get married anyway, especially those who have been living together. The articles differentiates between having cold feet and feeling more serious reservations. One of the difficulties for researchers is our ability to time-travel and forecast the divorce before the wedding.
Sharon Jayson writes (excerpt):
“Part of the problem is that after the marriage or relationship is in distress, people recast the history of their relationship,” says marriage researcher John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle and an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington.
Stanley agrees. “He has people trying to explain to themselves why it didn’t work out.”
Posted in Relationships 1 Comment »
Written on
November 8, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times shows how children of same-sex couples are doing just fine, highlighting research by Abbie E. Goldberg, an assistant professor in the department of psychology at Clark University and author of “Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children.”
Lisa Belkin writes (excerpt):
More enlightening than the similarities, however, are the differences, the most striking of which is that these children tend to be less conventional and more flexible when it comes to gender roles and assumptions than those raised in more traditional families.
There are data that show, for instance, that daughters of lesbian mothers are more likely to aspire to professions that are traditionally considered male, like doctors or lawyers — 52 percent in one study said that was their goal, compared with 21 percent of daughters of heterosexual mothers, who are still more likely to say they want to be nurses or teachers when they grow up. (The same study found that 95 percent of boys from both types of families choose the more masculine jobs.) Girls raised by lesbians are also more likely to engage in “roughhousing” and to play with “male-gendered-type toys” than girls raised by straight mothers. And adult children of gay parents appear more likely than the average adult to work in the fields of social justice and to have more gay friends in their social mix.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children, Something Different 1 Comment »
Written on
November 4, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Timesdiscusses a study about involving fathers, as well as the benefits of co-parenting or parallel parenting.
Laurie Tarkan writes (excerpt):
. . . [T]he critical difference was not greater involvement by the fathers in child-rearing but greater emotional support between couples.
“The study emphasizes the importance of couples’ figuring parenting out together and accepting the different ways of parenting,” Dr. Kline Pruett said.
Fathers tend to do things differently, Dr. Kyle Pruett said, but not in ways that are worse for the children. Fathers do not mother, they father.
Dr. Kyle Pruett added: “Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more and use play differently. Fathers want to show kids what’s going on outside their mother’s arms, to get their kids ready for the outside world.” To that end, he said, they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Families/Children 1 Comment »
Written on
November 3, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Single Parent Gossip shares the method for using collaborative law to resolve your divorce out of court.
Talibah Mbonisi writes (excerpt):
. . . In this cooperative framework, both parties also agree to:
- Act in their children’s best interests to minimize any negative impact that the situation could have on them.
- Be respectful to one another, stay constructive in their communication and to act in good faith.
- Disclose all relevant information to the other party and the Collaborative team, hide nothing that could be material to the negotiation and to refrain from using the other party’s mistakes against them.
- Maintain confidentiality
All this cooperation may sound a bit foreign, scary even, at a time when both parties may feel very vulnerable. Still, practitioners suggest that likelihood of resolution extremely high through this process and that it can be shorter, less expensive and lower conflict process the traditional path.
Posted in Gentler Divorce, Divorce Grand Rapids, Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
October 30, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times focuses on a different topic (Money Talks to Have Before Marriage), but includes an interesting discussion of statistical analysis and the risk of divorce.
Ron Lieber writes (excerpt):
The risk that any marriage will end in divorce is about 45 percent, according to David Popenoe, a professor of sociology emeritus at Rutgers University. The chances fall to about 40 percent for first marriages and decline further for college-educated couples, people from intact families and couples who share the same religion.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Relationships, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
October 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Stu Webb is being honored for finding a better way to divorce at the 10th International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Educational Forum.
Posted in Gentler Divorce, Divorce Grand Rapids, Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
October 22, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
USAToday shares some of Uma Thurman’s reflection on motherhood and “Motherhood,” including struggling to balance home and work lives, and being caught outside in her nightgown.
Olivia Barker writes (excerpt):
So, then, what does motherhood mean to her?
“It’s an invitation to love. It’s the most expansive, loving experience I have ever had … humbling, beautiful” — nightgown-as-streetwear and all.
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
October 9, 2009
by
Randy Flood
I am alarmed that we’ve heard very little outrage at the normalization of an adult woman having sex with an adolescent boy as seen in the academy award winning movie The Reader. This lack of anger speaks to the gender constructed sexuality in our culture. For adolescent boys, it is considered titillating and complimentary to be seduced by an older woman. It is presented as every boy’s fantasy, right? The adult woman initiating such sex with the adolescent boy is often dismissed or minimized. She is construed as hyper-sexual: desiring the “sexual prowess” of a young male or the socially awkward adult man who needs some practice, or perhaps she’s even a gratuitous sexual mentor who altruistically imparts sexual wisdom to the neophyte. In the movie The Reader she is portrayed as a benevolent, lonely woman seeking connection, closeness and intimacy with this young lad. As it turns out, she is illiterate. He is literate and educated, a good reader. He is emotionally illiterate and vulnerable, horny and sexually inexperienced, she is older, more powerful, wise, and sexually experienced. Hmmm… a perfect match. It all seems so acceptable, perhaps romantic, a unique and endearing love story.
Because of our gender constructed views on sexuality, what isn’t being discussed is the toll this sexual experience has on the young lad. We saw glimpses of this hurt and sadness after he was temporarily rejected by his adult lover, while he anxiously waited for her acceptance of him again. We saw how he became estranged from his same-age peers as he became more and more preoccupied with his sexual relationship, thus relegating swimming and other fun adolescent activity for clandestine afternoon sexual escapades. After her sudden departure and abandonment, he later discovers her again when he is in law school. He painfully sits through her trial as a law student emotionally agonized and alone, never letting his classmates or professors inside his emotional armor. Finally, we view him later in life experiencing a divorce for being emotionally closed off, aloof, preoccupied, and pained. Glimpses into the seismic impact were subtle, ancillary, and not part of the national commentary on this movie.
Imagine the outrage and discussion if the gender roles were reversed with an adult male and female adolescent. Most likely, the discussion would have focused on the inappropriateness of this sexual arrangement, the inherent power differential, statutory rape concerns, the manipulative and offensive predation of the adult male, and the insidious negative impact on the adolescent female. In fact, given the astute eye of the pro-feminist constituents, such a movie may well have failed in its popularity, as it should. The Reader didn’t even come close to failing. In fact, the female perpetrator won an Academy Award for best female actress. The acting was incredible and poignant.
This illustrates that we have a long way to go in our society. It will be a good day when we can understand the emotionality and vulnerability behind male sexuality and adolescent posturing. These young boys, despite their emerging sexual energy, need to be respected and protected just as we protect female adolescents. Even though male socialization has tried to remove emotional vulnerability from males, they remain vulnerable underneath the tough guise. Just because some boys want to drive cars fast, binge on alcohol, and skip school at age 15, we as a society do not allow or condone it. Just because some men want to exploit adolescent girls sexually, we work to protect them. As adults, we strive to provide a safe and healthy environment for our children as they aren’t old or mature enough to do so for themselves.
In real life, we have laws and policies to protect girls and boys. Our cultural ethos on gendered sexuality doesn’t serve to support such laws equally.
Normalizing the female sexual perpetration of adolescent boys in the cinema isn’t working toward creating a healthy and safe social environment, anymore than going to Hooters for a “good meal” does.
I am outraged at the sexual theme in The Reader, I hope you are too.
Posted in Families/Children 1 Comment »
Written on
October 9, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABA’s McElhaney on Litigation suggests replacing chronology with groups of vivid word pictures.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
http://www.abajournal.com/magazine/give_chronology_a_timeout
McElhaney on Litigation
“. . . Tell them the story. . . . [P]ut together a series of verbal snapshots that you create out of the evidence. . . .
“Then show them word pictures again in your case-in-chief . . . . [U]se the witnesses and your exhibits to paint the pictures. . . .”
****
“After you’ve decided what goes in each of your pictures,” said Angus, “decide on the order in which you’re going to show them to the jury, with three questions in mind: First, what order makes it easiest to understand the story? Second, what order makes the moral imperative come alive so that the jury decides your client is the victim of a serious injustice? Third, what order puts the focus of judgment on the other party?”
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy 1 Comment »
Written on
October 7, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABA Book Briefs Blog features a divorce mediation excerpt from the book “Collaborative Law: Achieving Effective Resolution in Divorce without Litigation,” Second Edition by Pauline H. Tesler (excerpt):
If a collaborative case runs into problems, a “meta-mediator” can help everyone get through the challenging phase. Sometimes a “perfect storm” of challenging clients and challenging issues can stall a collaborative negotiation. If a mediator who understands the collaborative process is brought in to bear responsibility for managing the negotiating session, the lawyers can be free to work more intensively with their respective clients. And a third conflict-resolution professional in the room can sometimes help undo logjams in creative problem solving.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
September 29, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Richard Forrest Gould-Saltman posted a summary of how a non-custodial parent can maximize parenting time. The summary was written with California in mind, but many of the principles are equally applicable across the country.
Mr. Gould-Saltman writes:
The things you need to do to maximize your success as a parent with custodial time, and the chances that a court will expand your custodial time in the future
Step 1: Exercise all your time, plus more
If you go to court for a review of your custodial situation, the Court will be more interested in what the parents actually are doing, than in what any prior court orders say they should be doing. Use all your custodial time that you are financially and physically able to use. If you can accommodate the other parent’s scheduling by offering to have the child(ren) with you, more than the order says you “must”, do it. This is not “baby-sitting”, it is spending time with your kids.
Step 2: Exercise your rights (and responsibilities) beyond the time-share: Education
There is more to parenting than whose house your child sleeps at, on which nights of the week: Request scheduling information about all your child’s school functions, and attend them whenever possible. Whether or not the other parent provides you with copies, take independent steps to arrange with your children’s school to receive scheduling information, report cards, etc. If you receive any of this information, and have any reason to think the other parent did not, send a copy. Know your kids’ teachers. Make sure that your kids’ teachers, and school personnel, know you. Make sure you are on all parental notification, and emergency notification cards. Keep your notification information on those records absolutely current. If your child is having any sort of trouble in school, find out from the school (not just from your child or the other parent) what is going on, why it is happening, and what can, or must, be done to fix it. Then, as much as you can, do it.
Step 3: Exercise your rights (and responsibilities) beyond the time-share: Health Care
When (not if) your child needs health care, find out what is going on, whether it is a regular dental check up or physical exam, the treatment of a cold or earache, or an ongoing course of treatment for a serious chronic condition. There is no better way to stay informed than to take your child to the doctor yourself. If you can’t, ask the other parent regularly for information. If you have any questions or concerns, discuss them directly with the health care provider. The other parent is not your best source of this information; your child is an even poorer one. “Health care” does not just mean your child’s doctor. It includes the dentist, the orthodontist, the chiropractor, and any psychotherapist or counselor. Know who is paying for health care, who’s carrying the insurance, and who is entitled to reimbursement. If it’s you, ask for it promptly. Keep records.
Step 4: Decision-making: use it or lose it
Even if you do not have joint legal custody, under California law you are entitled to information about your child’s education and health. As a joint legal custodian, you have both a right and a responsibility to keep informed about, and to be involved in, decision-making. If you don’t participate in decision-making, the Court may conclude that you have no further interest in having a hand in decision-making
Step 5: BE APPROPRIATE: Behave, in all of your interaction with the other parent, as if everyone was watching you; they are.
Assume that at some point in the future the Court, and any Court evaluator, will consider both the content and tone of your communication with the other parent, and the other parent’s new spouse or significant other. Not only shouldn’t you use your child as a telephone (“Tell your mother you can’t spend the whole weekend next weekend….”) you shouldn’t use your child as a mail-carrier.
Step 6: BE POLITE: Behave, in all of your interaction with the other parent, as if everyone was watching you; they are.
Send nothing to the other parent you wouldn’t want the judge to read now, or that you wouldn’t want your children to read, twenty years from now. Even if the other parent is acting like a jerk, don’t act that way. If scheduling changes need to be made, give more notice than the minimum amount required, whenever it is possible. If you are running late, even a little bit, call. If you need to make or change your child’s logistic arrangements (different clothing, school books and materials, sports gear, etc.) communicate with the other parent the need for those arrangements, IN ADVANCE. Confirm your communication with the other parent by short, polite notes or emails . Do NOT include any discussion of the other issues of the case, or of why the relationship failed, blame for any past events, etc. These notes should be the bare MINIMUM number of words necessary to convey the information, plus plus “Please”, “Thank you”, and “You’re Welcome”
Step 7: Your children are not the litigants; don’t treat them that way
It is appropriate to discuss resolution of your case with the other parent, or between the attorneys. Children, however, are not litigants. They have no obligation to settle their parents’ cases. They should not be burdened with any discussion of the financial aspects of the case, ever. Your children have no obligation to tell you their preferences regarding custodial arrangements. They do not even have an obligation to have such a preference. Your children should not be obliged or expected to decide their own custody arrangements, although you should consider their wishes.
Step 8: Remember: this is your custody case, not everyone else’s.
Unless there is no appropriate way to communicate directly with the other parent, don’t use anyone else as a messenger. Your relatives, your new spouse or significant other, the other parent’s relatives, your friends (mutual or otherwise) and your child’s friends are not obliged to take sides, or act as tie-breakers. Don’t ask them to. Don’t expect them to.
Posted in Families/Children 2 Comments »
Written on
September 26, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and O, The Oprah Magazine explain that research confirms men and women experience the same relationship very differently and that patience and humor can work better than more of the same.
Gretchen Reynolds writes (excerpt):
“It’s quite possible that he can’t respond in any other way. Our conflict styles develop over a lifetime.” So don’t raise your voice and demand that he continue engaging in that persistent fight about money or housework or friendships or sex (topics that recur constantly in Diamond’s work). Let him withdraw.
Then, when you’re calmer, go after him with a smile.
“Humor is very important in defusing tension,” Diamond says.
Posted in Relationships 1 Comment »
Written on
September 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Brides magazine summarizes five rules for getting and keeping a great marriage. Then it adds a few words about having plenty of sex.
Lexi Dwyer writes (excerpt):
1. Do things together. . . .
2. But also do things separately. . . .
3. Don’t diss. . . .
4. Maintain a united front. . . .
5. Fight fairly. . . .
Sexual healing
Why a roll in the hay will keep your relationship healthy:
1. You’ll feel closer. . . .
2. You’ll talk better. . . .
3. You’ll gain confidence. . . .
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
September 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
PowerHomeBiz.com reveals 5 powerful and persuasive moves for getting through a person’s mental defenses based on the work of Mark Goulston, the author of JUST LISTEN. The 5 tips include:
“Do you really believe that?”
The Power of Hmmm . . .
The Stipulation Game
The Impossible Question. [“What would make it possible?”]
The Power Thank You. [1: a specific Thank You; 2: an Acknowledgment of the personal effort; and 3: a personal statement of how the act affected you. ]
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
