Written on
September 26, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and O, The Oprah Magazine explain that research confirms men and women experience the same relationship very differently and that patience and humor can work better than more of the same.
Gretchen Reynolds writes (excerpt):
“It’s quite possible that he can’t respond in any other way. Our conflict styles develop over a lifetime.” So don’t raise your voice and demand that he continue engaging in that persistent fight about money or housework or friendships or sex (topics that recur constantly in Diamond’s work). Let him withdraw.
Then, when you’re calmer, go after him with a smile.
“Humor is very important in defusing tension,” Diamond says.
Posted in Relationships 
1 Comment »
Written on
September 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Brides magazine summarizes five rules for getting and keeping a great marriage. Then it adds a few words about having plenty of sex.
Lexi Dwyer writes (excerpt):
1. Do things together. . . .
2. But also do things separately. . . .
3. Don’t diss. . . .
4. Maintain a united front. . . .
5. Fight fairly. . . .
Sexual healing
Why a roll in the hay will keep your relationship healthy:
1. You’ll feel closer. . . .
2. You’ll talk better. . . .
3. You’ll gain confidence. . . .
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
September 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
PowerHomeBiz.com reveals 5 powerful and persuasive moves for getting through a person’s mental defenses based on the work of Mark Goulston, the author of JUST LISTEN. The 5 tips include:
“Do you really believe that?”
The Power of Hmmm . . .
The Stipulation Game
The Impossible Question. [“What would make it possible?”]
The Power Thank You. [1: a specific Thank You; 2: an Acknowledgment of the personal effort; and 3: a personal statement of how the act affected you. ]
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
September 15, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times summarizes the research showing how TV guru Phil McGraw and Supernanny Jo Frost have it all wrong: using “I Love You” to control behavior harms children.
Alfie Kohn writes (excerpt):
In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.
The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.
Posted in Families/Children, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
August 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Traverse City Record-Eagle introduces the concept of the gentler divorce through Collaborative Divorce to our neighbors to the north.
Vanessa McCray writes (excerpt):
But feelings and the family’s future are not to be overlooked. Divorce is a “devastating and emotionally intense time, even if you’ve chosen to use this model,” she said. Franseen acts as a divorce coach who instructs the couple on how to “manage their emotions” so that important decisions can be made. That’s a difficult task for a pair who wants to part.
“Communication skills are a big one, and that is tricky,” she said. “Probably, if a couple had really good communication skills in the first place, then they might not be getting divorced.”
Crafting a settlement together can prevent later disagreements over terms such as a child’s health care or parenting time, experts said. The collaborative method emphasizes that “the family isn’t a failure” and that the divorced couple can still co-parent “as a success,” said psychologist and child expert Ann Marie Love of Traverse City. Her role can be to advocate for the child, help resolve disputes and advise on how to transition from married to single life.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR 3 Comments »
Written on
August 21, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Examiner.com explains that becoming more persuasive starts with your personal credibility.
Robert Morris writes (excerpt):
There are several outstanding books in which their authors provide a wealth of different perspectives, comments, and suggestions. However, they all agree that unless you are trusted and respected, you won’t be able to convince anyone of anything. Credibility is the foundation of persuasion.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
August 18, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Real Simple explains how to get your brain to operate more efficiently.
Jonah Lehrer lists 10 ways to improve your thinking (excerpt):
1. Tap your emotions.
2. Don’t think under pressure.
3. Consider alternative points of view.
4. Challenge your preferences.
5. Take long showers.
6. Be skeptical of your memories.
7. Don’t expect to diet and finish the crossword.
8. Study your mistakes.
9. Go ahead and daydream.
10. Think about thinking.
Posted in Something Different No Comments »
Written on
August 14, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABA’s McElhaney on Litigation reminds us of how to persuade a judge.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
“You are talking directly to a fellow human being about the ‘gut stuff’ of life. What’s right and what’s wrong. Fair and unfair. Just and unjust. This is all about the power of a story to grab the heart of a fellow human—not something that is going to be measured for its adequacy by a professor who is checking to see if you found all the possible legal theories in the case. You already did that weeks ago with your pleadings.
“Remember, the power of persuasion lies in creating a sense of injustice. Judges—like juries—want to right wrongs. If you represent the plaintiff, show—don’t tell—your jury how the defendant hurt the plaintiff. And if you represent the defendant, your point is, it’s wrong for him to pay for what he didn’t do.
“Facts—not arguments, legal conclusions or academic pedantry—are what have the power to persuade.”
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
August 9, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN reports on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s promise to “convey this very kind offer.”
Moni Basu writes (excerpt):
What can 40 goats and 20 cows buy a Kenyan man? Chelsea Clinton’s love, if you ask Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor.
The Kenyan man first offered the dowry nine years ago to then-President Bill Clinton in asking for the hand of his only child. He renewed it Thursday after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was asked about the proposal at a Nairobi town hall session.
CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, the session’s moderator, commented that given the economic crisis at hand, Chepkurgor’s dowry was “not a bad offer.”
Posted in Something Different 1 Comment »
Written on
August 8, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Courtroom Performance’s new book, The Lawyer’s Winning Edge: Exceptional Courtroom Performance highlights four aspects of persuasion.
Lisa L. DeCaro and Leonard Matheo write (excerpt):
Remember these four important truths, and filter all advice through them:
1. Every speaker is different. . . . Be honest with yourself, and with your audience, at all times.
2. Never try to “be” anything. . . . Instead of trying to “be” something, try to “do” things that
accomplish your goals. If you want to appear confident, do what confident people do: stand up tall, with your feet approximately shoulders’ width apart. Balance your weight. Come out from behind the lectern or table. Make effective eye contact. Allow gestures to convey the meaning of your words. Speak strongly, with enough volume to be heard easily at the back of the room. Pause for emphasis. Smile when appropriate.
3. Your focus should always be on your audience. . . . Become conscious of your audience -their needs, their reactions, their mannerisms, their habits, their values. . . .
4. Your biggest asset is your credibility. Never, under any circumstances, do anything that will diminish your credibility. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
July 30, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Parenting.com gives us 11 tips on how to save your marriage from your kids
Teri Cettina’s list includes (excerpt):
Create warm welcomes
Try 20-minute reconnects
Set early bedtimes
Share the load
Encourage your kids’ independence
Revive your past
Put sex on your schedules
Fight as if the neighbors can hear you
Remember: Dad’s way works, too
Be a cheap date
Understand the stages of marriage
Posted in Relationships, Families/Children No Comments »
Written on
July 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative child specialists in Grand Rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Peter Everts
Mary Lier
Linda Ringleka
Michael Ryan
Leslie Visser
Posted in Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
July 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative mental health professionals and divorce coaches in Grand Rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Craig A. DeWitt
Peter Everts
Denise Hames
Mary Lier
Linda Ringleka
Michael Ryan
Thomas Spahn
Leslie Visser
Charlene Wickering
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 1 Comment »
Written on
July 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative attorneys in grand rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Deborah Bennett Berecz
Melanie DeStigter
Anthony Gauthier
Susan Wilson Keener
Courtney L. Quist
Ric Roane
David Sarnacki
Randy Velzen
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 1 Comment »
Written on
July 10, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABA Journal’s McElhaney on Litigationshows how to make your closing argument ring true.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
Cabbages and Insance Goats
“Thirty years ago, the late Craig Spangenberg of Cleveland said, ‘The greatest weapon in the arsenal of persuasion is the analogy, the story, the apt comparison to something the jurors know from their own experience to be true.’
Circumstantial Evidence
“When the defense lawyer stood up he said, ‘Nothing but circumstantial evidence, huh? When I was a boy, my father read Robinson Crusoe to me. I remember when Crusoe was all alone on a desert island, and one morning when he went to the shore, he saw a footprint in the sand—and he knew it wasn’t his. The effect was so powerful that Crusoe fainted dead away, only to awaken to find the man he called Friday standing over him.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
July 6, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Detroit Free Press identifies the need for couples to take action, work with their marriage counselor and avoid four obstacles to a successful therapy relationship.
Alex Kecskes writes (excerpt):
1. Couples don’t have a goal in mind. They’re stuck in their own feelings about the relationship, their own blame about how their partner has wronged them, and they have a never-ending list of excuses. . . .
2. Looking more deeply at a relationship rather than just calling it quits incites fear in many couples. What is healthier and more beneficial is if pairs face what they dread most and conquer it. . . .
3. If couples want to be in a relationship, they have to do something about it. But doing something has to be more than just saying they desire a better relationship and then hoping for it with all their might. To reach a goal, couples must take action.
4. Many couples look at counseling as a drain on their finances instead of an investment in their relationship. They convince themselves that their issue isn’t that big, after all, that they can fix it themselves, or that it’ll miraculously disappear … just to save a few bucks. . . .
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
July 4, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Examiner.com shows how to prioritize negotiations from most important to least important. The commentary concludes with another hearty recommendation of Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. In between those two points, the author includes five guidelines for formal negotiations.
Robert Morris writes (excerpt):
1. Know exactly what you want…and why. Have a ”drop dead” (i.e. walk-away) point pre-determined.
2. Recognize where your position is weakest and be prepared to defend it if and when attacked there. Also know where [the] vulnerabilities are in the opponent’s position.
3. When an opponent expresses a strong opinion, listen intently and without interruption. Then respond, “If I understand correctly you…” and repeat the opponent’s opinion, position, etc. It is imperative to reassure an opponent (or opponents) that you hear what is said and understand it. That does NOT mean that you agree with it.
4. Use silence strategically while maintaining eye contact. There are moments when the less said, the better, and that includes body language and tone of voice.
5. The most successful negotiations produce “Win-Win” agreements.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
July 3, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times adds a little context to the looming custody issues following Michael Jackson’s death and the apparent change of heart by Debbie Rowe toward 12-year-old Michael Joseph Jackson Jr. and 11-year-old Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, 11. [An unidentified surrogate mother gave birth to 7-year-old Prince Michael Jackson II.]
Jonathan Glater and Liz Robbins write (excerpt):
If Ms. Rowe decides to seek custody of the two older children, she may make a strong claim, lawyers said.
“Under California law, if you are the legal parent of a child, you have rights to the child even if you don’t currently have legal custody,” said Erik S. Pitchal, a law professor at Suffolk University Law School in Boston.
“You have to meet a very high standard to show that you are such an important figure in the life of a child to overcome” the claim of a legal parent, Mr. Pitchal added.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes, Something Different, General No Comments »
Written on
June 27, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Health Magazine show how making some effort leads to making your marriage last.
Kate Stinchfield explains 9 ways to a happy, healthy marriage (excerpt):
1. Watch your waistline
2. Have a financial plan
3. Figure out your family rules
4. Make sex a priority — but not a chore
5. Be flexible
6. Stay active as you age
7. Gab (a little) to your friend
8. Rediscover each other as a couple, sans kids
9. Be a conscious caregiver
Posted in Relationships 2 Comments »
Written on
June 26, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Smart Money shows how making joint decisions can cost less and feel better.
Aleksandra Todorova writes (excerpt):
The goal of collaborative divorce is to avoid that. “In a collaborative divorce, the decisions have to be made by the couple,” Stoner says. The two sides and their attorneys meet together and talk until they reach an agreement everyone deems fair. They agree to provide all information — such as financial records — voluntarily, rather than having their lawyers gather evidence. As a result, collaborative divorce can be significantly less expensive, Stoner says. Costs vary depending on the case, but while a typical litigated divorce could run as high as $150,000, collaborative would be closer to the $15,000 to $20,000 range, according to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 3 Comments »
