Written on May 23, 2014 by David C. Sarnacki
Psychology Today offers us scientific wedding vows.
Samantha Joel’s list includes (excerpt):
1. “I promise to respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.”
2. “I promise to support and protect your freedom; because although our lives are intertwined, your choices are still yours alone.”
3. “I promise to seek a deep understanding of your wishes, your desires, your fears and your dreams.”
4. “I promise to always strive to meet your needs; not out of obligation, but because it delights me to see you happy.”
5. “I promise to be there for you when you need me, whenever you need me.”
6. I promise to nurture your goals and ambitions; to support you through misfortune and celebrate your triumphs.
7. “I promise to keep our lives exciting, adventurous, and full of passion.”
8. “I promise to persevere when times get tough, knowing that any challenges we might face, we will conquer them together.”
9. “I promise to treat you with compassion over fairness, because we are a team, now and for always.”
10. “I promise to show you, every day, that I know exactly how lucky I am to have you in my life.”
LearnVest offers a simple budgeting rule to apply instantly to your household. Your take-home pay is allocated among three categories: essentials [50%], priorities [20%], and lifestyle choices [30%].
Laura Shin writes (excerpt):
The 50/20/30 Rule can be easy because instead of telling you how to break down your budget across 20 or more different categories (who could possibly keep track of that?), it splits everything into three main categories:
1. Essential Expenses
No more than 50% of your take-home pay should go toward Essential Expenses [housing, transportation, utilities and groceries] . . . .
2. Financial Priorities
At least 20% of your take-home pay should go to Financial Priorities [retirement contributions, savings contributions and debt payments, if you have debt] . . . .
3. Lifestyle Choices
No more than 30% of your take-home pay should go to Lifestyle Choices [cable, internet and phone plans, charitable giving, childcare, entertainment, gym fees, hobbies, pets, personal care, restaurants, bars, shopping and other miscellaneous expenses] . . . .
On Being highlights the work of Brené Brown and offers us guidance on compassionate criticism.
Mariah Helgeson writes (excerpt):
I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you).
I’m ready to listen ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes.
I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you.
I’m willing to own my part.
I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings.
I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity.
I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.
Senior Judge Bernard A. Friedman issued his decision after trial in DEBOER v SNYDER, Civil Action No. 12-CV-10285 (E.D. Mich. 2014). He determined that the Michigan Marriage Amendment, a 2004 voter-approved amendment to the Michigan Constitution prohibiting same-sex marriage, is unconstitutional.
The lengthy opinion summarizes the holding as follows (excerpt)[citations omitted]:
In attempting to define this case as a challenge to “the will of the people,” state defendants lost sight of what this case is truly about: people. No court record of this proceeding could ever fully convey the personal sacrifice of these two plaintiffs who seek to ensure that the state may no longer impair the rights of their children and the thousands of others now being raised by same-sex couples. It is the Court’s fervent hope that these children will grow up “to understand the integrity and closeness of their own family and its concord with other families in their community and in their daily lives.” Today’s decision is a step in that direction, and affirms the enduring principle that regardless of whoever finds favor in the eyes of the most recent majority, the guarantee of equal protection must prevail.
IT IS HEREBY DECLARED that Article I, § 25 of the Michigan Constitution and its implementing statutes are unconstitutional because they violate the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that the State of Michigan is enjoined from enforcing Article I, § 25 of the Michigan Constitution and its implementing statutes.
CBS highlights superhero Myles Eckert, age 8.
Today’s Love and Logic Insiders Club e-Newsletter featured tips that apply to make difficult conversations in life. The specific context was teacher-conferences, but it noted the interpersonal applications as well.
Charles Fay excerpted some of his father Jim Fay’s advice (excerpt):
• Remember that parents who look angry and resistant are usually hurting inside.
• When we remember this, it becomes much easier to avoid becoming defensive or angry ourselves.
• The most powerful skill involves listening and allowing parents to vent about their frustrations…before sharing our ideas.
• “Tell me more.” “What would you like to see here?” or “How long have you felt this way?” are great responses to show parents how much you care…and to get them talking.
• Share your ideas only after making sure that the parent is ready. Asking, “Would you like to hear my thoughts on this?” is a good way of showing respect and testing to see if they are ready to listen.
The TED Radio Hour features insights into happiness research and simpler ways of life. The “Simply Happy” episode includes:
Pharrell and his “Happy” song.
Matt Killingsworth on staying in the moment.
Carl Honoré on slowing down to enjoy life.
Graham Hill on decluttering our lives.
Psychologist Dan Gilbert on feeling happy when things don’t go as planned.
Brother David Steindl-Rast on stop-look-go moments for being grateful.
Jim Wallis poses some interesting thoughts about celebrating February 14th. He writes (excerpt):
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, our annual reminder to celebrate the love we share in our lives. While many may be struggling through aisles of candy hearts and bunches of roses, I invite you to flip this day of mandatory public expressions of love on its head.
What if, along with romantic dinners and expensive chocolates, we celebrated those we love by committing ourselves against sexual and domestic violence? This Valentine’s Day, or V-Day, Sojourners is joining with One Billion Rising to speak out on violence against women — the most hidden injustice in our world. We speak out because one in three women will be raped or beaten in their lifetime. That’s one in three women in my family, in my circle of friends, in my workplace — and in my church.
We speak out because we want a different reality for our daughters.
Trent Gilliss at On Being shares a Webpage FX infographic on “The Science of Happiness.”
Gilliss writes (excerpt):
The infographic above may not capture the details of the science, but it jogs a host of questions and insights. A few thoughts to chew on:
Married people are 10% happier than unmarried people, but having a child reduces happiness by one-quarter of 1% on average. Hmmm… doing the math (tapping finger on temple).
CNN-HLNtv offers us a take on Bill Cosby’s “10 greatest lessons.”
Colette Bennett’s slideshow commentary includes these life lessons (excerpt):
1. Age is in your mind: “Old is always 15 years from now.”
2. Fear is all that’s stopping you: “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”
6. How to maintain your integrity: “If you speak your mind and if it is true what you’re saying, then I think the integrity of what you’re saying carries through.”
9. Humans are pretty darn smart: “We are not a pitiful race of people. We are a bright race, who can move with the best.”
10. The only moment is now: “The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.”
Steven Stosny, Ph.D. helps us understand how to “[master] the art and science of apology” and shows the wonders of reconciliation–for your relationship, your core self, and your overall well-being.
Steven Stosny writes (excerpt):
1. Come from your heart and sympathize with the effect of your behavior on your loved one. (Focus on what it meant to your loved one, not on how you would have been affected by it.)
2. State how important your partner’s wellbeing is to you.
3. State how sorry you are that you’ve done something to hurt your loved one and/or break your connection.
4. Offer recompense: “How can I make it up to you?”
5. If the offense is recurring, describe an action-plan to prevent future repetition of the offending behavior (which violated your core value to the extent that it hurt your partner or your relationship).
Psychology Today offers up “7 Ways to Defuse a Difficult Encounter.”
Susan Biali writes (excerpt):
Minimize time with problem people. . . .
Keep it logical. Communications should be fact-based with minimal details. . . .
Focus on them in conversation. . . .
Give up the dream that they will one day be the person you wish them to be. . . .
Avoid topics that get you into trouble. . . .
Don’t try to get them to see your point of view. . . .
Create a distraction. . . .
The Huffington Post highlights Kate Scharff’s New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents in a “Dear Kids, Because we both love you” format. There are 26 statements to which parents may aspire.
Kate Scharff writes (excerpt):
. . . This year, we’ll tell you fond and funny stories about how we met, fell in love, and had you. We’ll compliment the good traits we still see in each other, and we’ll tell you how, if given the choice, we’d do it all again — because not being your parents is unimaginable.
CNN Parents addresses struggling with a child’s behavioral problems and highlights the fact that there is help out there.
Kelly Wallace includes references to advice like (excerpt):
–”help them hear about why (sneaking on a plane) wasn’t safe, why it was against the law and how other people were harmed, and then you take a look at the consequences.”
–wait for a “cooling off period” if no one’s safety is at risk before talking with their kids about the bad behavior.
–”The best consequence is not deprivation, it’s reparation . . . . As a function of what you did that you should not do, you are going to have to do some things around the place to work this off.”
–”try one thing and be consistent with it. Be calm with it. Be caring with it.”
–get counseling when “significant caring or communication or cooperation or compliance with their adolescent has been lost, and there is a need to get everyone better connected and the relationship back on track.”
Rhemann CPAs and Consultants show how spouses often are treated as “Guilty Until Proven Innocent” by the IRS. They explain how married couples might be jointly responsible for taxes, interest and penalties, and how a former spouse might be responsible for the past tax matters even if the divorce decree says otherwise, as well as the difference between “innocent” and “injured” spouse status.
Their newsletter includes this advice (excerpt):
Advice: Don’t count on innocent spouse relief if you know your spouse is cheating on tax returns. . . . . [T]he IRS often denies relief.
Consider filing separate tax returns — especially if you’re in the process of a divorce. It may save you a bundle in the future. For more information about your situation, consult with your tax adviser.
MLive notes the passing of “one of those great people,” Michael Chielens, Executive Director of Legal Aid of Western Michigan, who died of cancer this past weekend.
Sue Thoms writes (excerpt):
“He just had a heart for the underdog and wanted to push back against systems that are just closed doors to people,” said Leslie Curry, the managing attorney for Legal Aid. “He was absolutely committed to the work.”
The Sarnacki Law Firm PLC has been awarded a Tier 1 Ranking in the 2014 Edition of U.S. News – Best Lawyers’ “Best Law Firms.” The firm’s founder, David C. Sarnacki, practices family law, mediation and collaborative divorce in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He has been selected as one of the Best Lawyers in the three separate practice areas, spanning the full range of methods for resolving domestic relations cases:
1. Collaborative Law: Family Law [Collaborative divorce];
2. Family Law [divorce and custody litigation, negotiation and mediation advocacy]; and
3. Family Law Mediation [serving as neutral facilitative mediator].
Mr. Sarnacki is a past Chairperson of three State Bar Sections: Family Law, Litigation and Law Practice Management Section. He has been named one of the “Best Lawyers in America,” a “Michigan Super Lawyer,” and a “Leading Lawyer” in Michigan Family Law.
Psychology Today reminds us that divorce recovery is not a one-size-fits-all. It’s a process that you journey through. And you come out on the other side when you do. The time it takes depends on a number of factors.
Susan Pease Gadoua, L.C.S.W., offers this Top Ten Do’s for Divorce Recovery list (excerpt):
1. Ask for help & let help in
2. Talk about your grief with others
3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
4. Face each obstacle as it arises
5. Let others know when you’re not feeling well
6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
8. Accept your new reality and move on when it’s appropriate to move on (this doesn’t mean you have to like it!)
9. Have trust/faith that things will work out
10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are – it’s just part of the process