Written on
July 19, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
Real Age and Sharecare explains how reading your partner’s emotions and feeling your partner’s efforts to understand your own emotions relate to happiness in the relationship.
Julie Hanks writes (excerpt):
Listen for emotional messages [the emotional message may be different than the words]
Push the pause button on your own emotions [instead of responding defensively, take a deep breath and hear the emotional message behind criticism]
Reflect back your partner’s emotional plea [respond to the emotional message]
Posted in Families/Children, General, Relationships 
No Comments »
Written on
June 1, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
A 2004 episode of This American Lifeexamined the theme of marriage, with a spotlight on marital researcher John Gottman. It turns out that everyone argues, and everyone argues about the same issues. Every couple. So which factors predict success and failure in relationships? The science of marriage–and learning how to save your marriage–is part of ACT ONE. It’s worth 23 minutes of your life if you care about your partner.
Posted in Families/Children, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
May 20, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
Parade Magazine offers us Jay Leno’s tips for a happy marriage (excerpt):
Do you and your wife still have date nights?
Yeah, she’ll find a restaurant, some fancy place in Beverly Hills. I’ll stop at In-N-Out Burger first since I’m not a big restaurant guy. But she likes it, and when you’re married, that’s what you do.
What else keeps a marriage working?
If you don’t fool around, it’s not that hard. I think the key to life is low self- esteem—believing you’re not the smartest or most handsome person in the room. All the people who have high self-esteem are criminals and actors.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
May 7, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today updates us on the research addressing parental happiness. The new studies points toward parents today being happier than married couples without children.
Sharon Jayson writes of the two studies (excerpt):
“We find no evidence that parental well-being decreases after a child is born to levels preceding the children, but we find strong evidence that well-being is elevated when people are planning and waiting for the child, and in the year when the child is born,” notes the study presented by co-author Mikko Myrskylä of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany.
****
[Co-author Chris Herbst of Arizona State University] says what’s “undeniable, however, is that parents have become relatively happier than non-parents over the past few decades.”
Posted in Families/Children, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
April 17, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABA General Practice-Solo Section shows what might happen when you disconnect from technology–you might just think!
Steve Andersen writes (excerpt):
But are we forgetting what it’s like to take our time and to think, process, and create? To do one thing at a time? To do it well? And to actually enjoy it? Studies show that the frenetic techno-wave to which we’ve been subjected—and to which we eagerly overindulge—is changing the way our brains function. Our attention spans have shortened. Our creativity has diminished. Our patience has thinned. Are we less civil toward each other as a result?
****
. . . Our reflexes have been so conditioned to respond to myriad electronic stimuli that we jump at any ring, beep, or buzz, like the subject in a contemporary Pavlovian lab experiment.
****
So I did an experiment of my own. I took a deep breath and left my cell phone home one day. When I got to the office, I turned my desk phone off. I even ignored my messages. I refused to turn on my computer and check e-mail. I unplugged. I disconnected. I waited. . . .
****
. . . By five o’clock I was relaxed and satisfied with the notion that I’m not really all that important. I hadn’t spoken with anyone, checked any devices, or stared at any screens. And I was more productive than I had been for some time. I knew I’d ease out of my time warp and rejoin the Connected Age—to a degree anyway—but I vowed to downshift and enjoy the privilege of practicing law and the pleasure of living life. On my way out, before turning off the light, I glanced at the old Underwood. Less is more.
Posted in Something Different, Technology, The Practice No Comments »
Written on
March 19, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN shows us how happiness promotes success and how daily habits promote happiness.
Shawn Achor offers these five tips for transforming your attitude (excerpt):
• Write down three new things you are grateful for each day;
• Write for two minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours;
• Exercise for 10 minutes a day;
• Meditate for two minutes, focusing on your breath going in and out;
• Write one quick email first thing in the morning thanking or praising someone in your social support network (family member, friend, old teacher).
Posted in Relationships, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
March 6, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today addresses how stress affects relationships, especially honeymooners and the first five years of marriage.
Sharon Jayson includes this sidebar of 5 tips for handling stress and having a successful marriage (excerpt):
Don’t let stress sabotage your relationship, says Thomas Bradbury, co-founder of the UCLA Relationship Institute. His advice:
1. Get stress on your radar. Learn to recognize when your partner is feeling stressed, and cut him or her some slack.
2. Step up. When your partner is tired and stressed, that’s your signal to step up and do more around the house, Bradbury says. “But if you crow about helping, you are making your partner feel worse, not better.”
3. Build a firewall. Partners in healthy relationships “know how to prevent ordinary frustrations from spilling over to erode the good feelings that they have for one another,” Bradbury says. “So build a firewall around all of the great things you and your partner share, and protect them against minor annoyances.”
4. Strengthen the foundation. Good relationships are fundamentally about two people taking care of each other. Figure out what your partner needs to feel secure and happy and do your best to give it to them, and on their terms, not yours.
5. Get active. If stress is eating away at your relationship, get on your feet and invite your partner to a walk, a class or a movie.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
February 1, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
The States of Our Unions report, by the National Marriage Project, delves into the health of marriage in America. The Executive Summary includes remarks on being a parent and navigating the marital relationship (excerpt):
In this report, we find that married parents are more likely than their childless peers to feel their lives have a sense of meaning and purpose. We also find that parents who are married generally experience more happiness and less depression than parents who are unmarried.
***
What is their secret [happily married parents]? We were able to identify ten aspects of contemporary social life and relationships—from marital generosity to shared housework to religious faith to sexual satisfaction—that appear to boost women and men’s odds of successfully combining marriage and parenthood.
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Families/Children, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
January 11, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today’s Ask Stacy reminds us of the three elements of a true apology: “sorry,” responsibility for the choice taken, and promise for the future.
Stacy Kaiser writes (excerpt):
A true apology should consist of three elements: taking responsibility for your mistake, saying you’re sorry and a commitment to never do what hurt that person again. . . . Here’s what a heartfelt apology should sound like: “Even though I missed you, I should never have directed my attention to another man. I should have come to you to try to fix the problem. For that I am truly sorry. I made two mistakes, I flirted with another man and I didn’t communicate with you how I was feeling. I promise to never do either of those again. I will never direct my affections to another man and I will come to you any time things are not right. Will you please forgive me?”
Posted in Families/Children, General, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
January 1, 2012
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Parenting.com give us the “Top 10 Parenting Fails of 2011.” If you didn’t make the list, rejoice! Sasha Emmons of Parenting.com includes items on:
Mom Uses Hot Sauce as Punishment
Moms Selling Babies
Girl Brings Dad’s Cocaine to School
Mom Gets 7-Year-Old a Boob Job
Mom Dresses Daughter Like a Prostitute
Dad Throws Son Off Cruise Ship
Drunk Woman Shoots Breast Milk at Cops
Mom Sues Preschool for Dashing Ivy League Dreams
Girl Busts Mom for Drunk Driving
Pregnant Mom: Smoking is Good for the Baby!
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
December 1, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN includes tips on what to do if you want more sex in your life. It’s the same secret to a lasting relationship and marriage: be nice.
Ian Kerner, the Good in Bed counselor, quotes Emily Nagoski, the self-proclaimed Sex Nerd, commenting on John Gottman’s book “The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples” (excerpt):
“Boiling down the richly complex body of work described in the book to one sentence, Gottman’s point is that trust is made of people believing that their partners will be nice, that the partner will make an effort to make life better for you . . . .”
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
November 29, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Love and Logic newsletter encourages parents to avoid the tendency of kids to throw one parent’s house rules against the other. L&L also reassures us that children can have two homes and still grow into healthy adults.
Dr. Charles Fay writes (excerpt):
Smart parents know that kids are capable of adjusting to different styles of parenting, and that children will eventually…as adults…come to respect the parent who is the healthiest.
When their child says something like, “Mom gives me candy before dinner,” these wise parents don’t call their ex and accuse. . . . They just smile and answer, “You noticed that your parents are different. I allow dessert after dinner.”
Posted in General No Comments »
Written on
November 20, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Journal of Family Psychology tackles the mystery of “why even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce.”
The research abstract for Justin Lavner and Thomas Bradbury’s article states (excerpt):
Divorcing couples displayed more negative communication, emotion, and social support as newlyweds compared with couples who did not divorce. . . . Overall, results indicate that even couples who are very successful at navigating the early years of marriage can be vulnerable to later dissolution if their interpersonal exchanges are poorly regulated.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
October 19, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Wall Street Journal explains the challenges in finding the right patient therapist fit and how those challenges can be overcome by asking three questions: How would you propose treating me? How long do you think it would take? How do you know what you do works?
Melinda Beck writes (excerpt):
One issue for prospective patients is that therapists generally specialize in one treatment approach and tend to see patients’ problems through that lens. A cognitive-behavioral therapist will focus on changing patients’ negative thinking patterns, while a psychoanalyst will want to probe more deeply into how the past is affecting current issues.
Some clinics and university mental-health centers offer consultations to help evaluate which treatment might be best. “Patients shouldn’t have to decide this by themselves,” says Drew Ramsey, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at New York’s Columbia University, who says he loves to play “shrink matchmaker.”
Posted in Families/Children, Gentler Divorce, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
October 4, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
USA Today and Health Day reveal the secret to getting through a divorce and coming out okay: self-compassion.
Robert Preidt writes (excerpt):
They [the University of Arizona researchers] explained that self-compassion — a combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass — “can promote resilience and positive outcomes in the face of divorce.”
****
If divorced people are able to view their losses as part of the wider human experience and accept feelings of hurt or jealousy without judgment, Sbarra said, people may feel less anxious and isolated.
Posted in Families/Children, Gentler Divorce, Relationships, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
September 28, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
FindLaw shows the traditional and the modern approaches to annulments based on allegations of fraud.
Joanna L. Grossman writes (excerpt):
In Part One of this series, I discussed the traditional approach to defining fraud as a ground for annulment, which requires that the misrepresentation relate to the “essentials of the marriage” – some aspect of marriage that is fundamentally important to any marriage, not just to the particular spouse seeking an annulment.
In this Part, I will argue that there has been at least a subtle shift in the doctrine in some jurisdictions away from this one-size-fits-all approach to a more individualized approach. Under this more modern approach, a court might ask whether a misrepresentation related to something that was fundamental to this marriage, rather than to marriage in general. This type of approach treats marriage more like other contracts – where private parties define the terms of the deal, as well as the circumstances under which they are willing to enter it at all.
Posted in Law: Cases/Statutes No Comments »
Written on
August 20, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
The National Post highlights Ontario’s move toward mandatory information sessions promoting divorce mediation. Kathryn Blaze Carlson writes (excerpt):
Had Scott McLarty and his then-wife been forced to consider divorce mediation as an alternative to litigation, he might have been spared $15,000 in legal fees and a two-year court battle over spousal support.
****
“I think it would have been a catalyst for us to take a step back, take a deep breath, and see if there were things we could sort out on our own,” said Mr. McLarty, 57, of the demise of a 25-year union that was ultimately settled out of court to save money. “When you’re going through a divorce, you’re angry, you’re depressed, you’re in an ‘I want to win’ mentality. The information session encourages you to try to work together and come to a solution.”
Posted in Divorce Grand Rapids, Mediation/ADR 1 Comment »
Written on
June 9, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN reminds us, in light of the Congressman Anthony Wiener scandal, what makes an emotional affair.
Ian Kerner writes (excerpt):
In her seminal book on emotional infidelity, “Not Just Friends,” the late psychotherapist Shirley Glass implores readers to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.” She contends than an emotional affair is marked by three distinguishing qualities:
– Close friendship and emotional intimacy. [feeling of shared closeness and understanding]
– Sexual attraction. [feelings of attraction]
– Secrecy. Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. In an emotional affair, each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
June 7, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
“Everything you can imagine is real.”–Pablo Picasso
You’ve heard the saying: Perception is reality. So how can we collaborate through divorce negotiations to a fair resolution when you and your spouse start with such vastly different sets of perceptions?
As strange as it seems, the collaborative divorce process actually moves you through perceptions by promoting fairness in ways the court system simply cannot.
Some couples divorcing through the court’s adversarial system find that they never had a chance to speak for themselves. Sure, they may have been to court. There were hearings on temporary matters, status conferences, settlement conferences and the like. And yet, the usual course of proceeding excluded them. The attorneys did all the talking in front of the judge. The clients remained silent. If unrepresented, one or both parties may have had a chance to speak briefly, but often the court interrupt due to time limitations, a party wandering far afield from the matters at hand, or a combination of both. The man and the woman each leave the courthouse wondering if things might have worked out differently had they just been able to tell the judge their story.
In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you meaningful opportunities to tell your story. Individual sessions may be structured or led by an attorney or a divorce coach or a financial advisor, but the clients are expected to do most of the talking. You share your concerns, needs, insights and ideas. You tell their story, and your perceptions matter.
Some couples divorcing through the adversarial system find that even when they had some chance to speak for themselves, their concerns and ideas were disregarded. No one took them seriously, and no one listened.
In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you assurances that your spouse and the professionals in the process are listening to you, understand what you are saying and care about you. The professionals are trained to focus on you, really listen to what you are saying, see your point of view and fashion solutions that factor in your contributions to the outcome. Your perceptions matter and coexist, front and center, with those of your spouse.
Some spouses in the adversarial system complain that they were not treated fairly. The other spouse was given some tactical advantage: more time, more access to money or resources, more “second chances.” The decision-maker was biased against them. The proceedings forced them to capitulate; they were in a war of attrition, and they lost.
In a collaborative divorce, the process treats each person in a fair and evenhanded manner. The professionals are trained to balance time and resources, and to support you through separation and divorce. You remain in charge, and together, you are the decision-makers. The process works toward consensus and problem solving. We move from where each spouse is–the individual sets of perceptions–into a shared vision for parenting and mutually agreeable solutions for moving forward in separate directions.
Some spouses in the adversarial system spent tremendous amounts of time, energy and money to fight in court. They thought justice would flow from fighting for months about the past and about who was to blame. They were looking for relief, and they ended up being hurt.
In a collaborative divorce, you are accorded dignity and respect. The commitment from the very start is not about the past, fighting or blame. The professionals move the focus from the past to your family’s future, to what your family needs and which solutions provide the best “fit” for each member of your family. The facts and circumstances, including each person’s perceptions are assessed, discussed, listened to, and evaluated. The solutions flow from those perceptions and lead you to the solutions.
The collaborative divorce process is real. Imagine collaborating your way through perceptions, through divorce negotiations and into a fair resolution, and your reality will be a process that promotes fairness, communication and understanding, cooperation and collaboration, dignity and respect.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Gentler Divorce, Mediation/ADR, Procedures/Rules No Comments »
Written on
June 6, 2011
by
David C. Sarnacki
Psychology Today reveals how storytelling helps persuasion.
Peter Guber writes (excerpt):
[T]elling purposeful stories is certainly the most efficient means of persuasion in everyday life, the most effective way of translating ideas into action . . . .
. . . Stories, on the other hand, are state-of-the-heart technology—they connect us to others. They provide emotional transportation, moving people to take action on your cause because they can very quickly come to psychologically identify with the characters in a narrative or share an experience—courtesy of the images evoked in the telling.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
