Time Magazine’s January 19, 2004 issue seeks the “Marriage Savers,” a “new breed” of relationship therapists
Richard Corliss and Sonja Steptoe write (excerpt):
Lately, however, a new breed of therapist and “marriage educator” is shaking up the profession. These therapists reject the passive, old-style therapies that emphasize personal growth over shared commitment and take a more aggressive, hands-around-the-neck approach to saving marriages. “They feel therapists have been too quick in calling an end to relationships and having people move on,” says University of Chicago sociology professor Linda Waite. The new breed also advocates premarital skill training and early intervention in problems–learning the ropes before tying the knot. “It’s like a vaccination,” says Waite, “instead of having to do surgery when something goes wrong.”
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Sadoff, a clinical social worker trained in PREP, explains the method to the Lewises and a younger couple sharing the session. They are to agree to set aside a time each week to talk over their problems. These discussions must follow certain rules, which can be posted on the refrigerator door. “The word I is allowed,” Sadoff says. “You is not.” The partners take turns talking, without interruption. The speaker makes brief statements, which the listener must paraphrase to show he understands what was said. There are also time-outs, which allow one partner to leave the room for an emotional break. . . .
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[D]uring arguments, couples in stable relationships have five times as many positive factors present as negative ones. “In relationships that were working, even during conflict, there was a rich climate of positive things, such as love, affection, interest in one another, humor and support. Couples in unstable unions had slightly more negative factors than positive.”
Conflict is endemic in a relationship, Gottman says, but adds–with peculiar precision–that “only 31% of conflicts get resolved over the course of a marriage. The other 69% are perpetual, unsolvable problems.” His insight: don’t bother trying to fix the unfixable. Spend your energy on selecting a mate with whom you can manage those inevitable annoyances, then learn how to manage them. To admit some problems can’t be solved is the first step toward finding a larger solution. Says Gottman: “We try to build up the couple’s friendship, their ability to repair conflict and to deal with their gridlock.”
The Gottman technique usually involves a $495 two-day workshop, followed by nine private therapy sessions costing $1,260, which Gottman recommends as a supplement. These attempt to conquer the four most common, corrosive negative factors in unstable unions: criticism (You never … You always …), defensiveness (Who me? I’m not defensive), contempt (You’re too stupid to realize how defensive you are) and stonewalling (I’ll just let it blow over). Gottman says 85% of stonewallers are men.
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Schnarch argues that the main issue for most troubled couples “isn’t their lack of communication skills. If spouses aren’t talking to each other, they are still communicating. They each know they don’t want to hear what the other has to say. But communication is no virtue if you can’t stand the message. We help people to stand the message.” He says couples don’t get that from conventional therapy, which tends to pathologize relationships rather than work with their strengths. In the Crucible system, “we don’t treat people like they’re sick. We speak to the best in people, not their weaknesses. We’re about developing resilience and standing up for yourself.” People in a troubled marriage say they have grown apart. Schnarch says it’s the opposite. “They’re usually locked together, emotionally fused. More attachment doesn’t make people happier, and it kills sex.”
Schnarch uses the word crucible in two senses: metallurgical (a strong cauldron) and metaphorical (a test or trial). Both definitions can aptly describe the state of marriage. So in his therapy it’s out with the elevator-music approach to saving marriages, in with the hard rock and harsh truths. Dare to tear apart the fuzzy, flabby, ego-suppressing dual personality that is your marriage and find your inner you. That effort will create a stronger individual, one who can deal with a partner with more integrity and authenticity.
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To re-create a sense of connection between the couple, the EFT therapist creates an environment in which both spouses feel safe talking about their feelings, needs and fears. Like Suzanne and Tom, most couples are pleasantly surprised to hear that the feelings behind apparently hostile behavior are not rejection but a need to connect with their partner. Without that emotional security, Johnson says, all the communication skills in the world won’t rebuild a relationship. “You can teach people communication skills up the wazoo,” she says, “but if they’re afraid of losing the person they depend on, they don’t use them.”
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“Traditional approaches ask people to look at the past and figure out why they’re stuck,” says Weiner-Davis, whose graduate degree is in social work. “But that insight generally leads people only to be experts in why they’re having a problem–and novices in what to do about it. People on the brink of divorce do not have the luxury of time to take this journey backward. They need an instant injection of hope.” Weiner-Davis encourages a dose of what she calls “real giving”–asking couples to realize what their partner needs in certain situations and provide what he needs regardless of whether the giver understands it. For example, if your spouse prefers to be alone when he’s upset, allow him quiet time, even if you prefer to talk when you’re upset.
Weiner-Davis’ action-oriented scheme suited Roth and Meredith. “It’s really freeing to just focus on the solution and clear out all the muck,” says Meredith. Weiner-Davis encourages couples to identify what they want the marriage to look like, then list actions they can take–dinner out once a week, playing tennis or golf together, help with the housework–to achieve those goals. “The concept of real giving is so simple, but it really gets at the heart of how to make a relationship work,” says Meredith.