Forgetting your spouse and falling in love with someone else

Written on November 16, 2007 by David C. Sarnacki

USA Today showed the power of love through the eyes of retired Justice Sandra Day O’Connor and her husband, who suffers from Alzheimer’s.

Joan Biskupic writes (excerpt):
“Mom was thrilled that Dad was relaxed and happy and comfortable living here and wasn’t complaining,” Scott [O'Connor] . . . .
****
Scott compared his father to “a teenager in love” and said, “For Mom to visit when he’s happy … visiting with his girlfriend, sitting on the porch swing holding hands,” was a relief after a painful period.

103 Responses to “Forgetting your spouse and falling in love with someone else”

  1. Sophie Dee said:

    Falling in love with somesone is part of being a Human Being but the condition of loving someone
    else especially when you are married is a severe problem. I will never hurt my marriage or
    leave my husband because I need, I want another man. I could not throw away my marriage
    because I desire a new love interest. I will have to be in love with the other man, and live with
    my husband. I have to behavior like a proper wife and love the other man in secret.
    Love is not ugly in secret if it keeps the peace and order of a marriage .
    I love the other man so much, so deeply, but I could never hurt my marriage or I could not destroy
    my husband. I can handle being in love with peace being in secret.

  2. jill said:

    I am in love with another man. I never expected it to happen. I thought I would stay unhappy and alone being married to my husband. I have no idea where my life will take me, but can love a man in secret to keep peace. I will talk about it, should I need to go further and be with this man forever. I am not sure how to proceed, maybe it be best to be alone.

  3. Crazylady said:

    I am in love with another as well. My Catholic family is pressuring me to stay in my marraige though I want to end it. I blame myself for not seeing things clearer beofre I made the comittment of marraige. It takes all my willpower not to keep in contact with the other man. I think my husband derserves more, as Paula said.

  4. godschosenone said:

    What if you have been married for thirteen years and been together for twentyone years and then your husband tells you that he still have feelings and care about about his first love. They spend time together she drives his car, they go to the movies, lunch, dinner, and plays together. I’m confused about this hold situation.

  5. DeAngela said:

    I have been married for only two years. This relationship was very much rushed into. I’m in love with another man and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that if I leave my husband for the man that i love my family as well as my husband’s will look down at me. I don’t know what to do and I’m so confused. I don’t want to stay in a marriage that I’m unhappy in.i deserve to be happy. Don’t I?

  6. Aubrey said:

    I faced that dilema a few years back. Thought its better to end our marriage because I’m inlove with someone else without my husband knowing and he’s starting to feel it. We start to fight with him trying to make me confess but I never did. I thought so it wont hurt him more if he doesnt know. Thinking that in the end we will end up separated.
    But after a year, and patience I realized that nothing is worth destroying my family. So I prayed and start to look at things in a different angle. Eventually, we managed to repair the damage I have done and appreciate him more. So till now we are still together, though in my heart the other man still occupies the most part of my heart.

  7. Todd said:

    How about from a mans point of view , just this last month I fell in love with someone in a compltely different country ,I am married and very happy with my wife .My problem ,I think this amazingly beautiful woman had the same feelings for me ..And even though world apart maybe she t[hought thre might be more to it ..
    I was helping her with a blog , and giving her advice every time she asked. Se had a blog on eating healthy and getting fit ..She had seen my pics , and yes i am overweight , so she was a inspiration to me if not a God send ..Any way to make this short , i told her one day , that the blog was boring .
    After just the day before it was perfect , and then overnight it changed ..Suddenly in a few hours it all was gone , and I have not heard from her since ..
    How do I get over he guilt of hruting someones feelings so bad ..

  8. dianne said:

    Let me tell you what I think. I have been married to my husband for 26 years. A year ago he left me for another woman. Here’s the truth. Most of us stood before an altar in a church with God as our witness, and vowed to stay with our spouse until death. That is binding! None of you ever should have allowed yourselves to get close to someone of the opposite sex. That is only asking for trouble. Doesn’t enough unexpected trouble come our way in this life without creating trouble for yourself? And even if you foolishly did allow yourself to fall for someone else, that does not give you the right to abandon your spouse because of your own selfish desires. You are the one that created the mess, you are the one that should be miserable, not your innocent spouse. So if you have to go to your grave with feelings for the other person, you should just suck it up, let the other person go and stay with your spouse and treat them with the love and respect they deserve. Perhaps if you choose to do the right thing, in spite of how you feel, God will honor that and come to your aid. You all need to confess your sins to God , ask Him to forgive you, turn from them, and ask God to help you to start living a life that is pleasing to him. Christ died for your sins. He told the woman caught in the act of adultery, “go and sin no more.” He did not say,”If you like your affair partner more than your spouse then you are free to leave. Wake up!

  9. Nicole said:

    I have been in love with a married man for over a year and a half. The bond we have is so incredible and we have tried to end it so many times, but we find a few hours apart, knowing that it will not continue is so devestating and gut wrenching to the both of us. However, he has made it clear to his wife that he is no longer in love with her and they have spoken of seperation, however, that was a few months ago and we are still in our situation. He has children and he says they are the only reason he goes back there. The wife has found numerous things that would give us away and still has not pushed the issue with him. My point is that why is he dragging this on with her and why cant he see that he is being so selfish by continuing this and even if he left me, he would be thinking of me all the time. Why won’t he let her go on, he is so scared about losing his children, but one is 18 and the other is 13. I just don’t understand if you have such a bond how is this possible? There is also a large age gap between us and I have never been married. I don’t feel as if I am wrecking a family because he was never in love with this person to begin with and has not had a normal relationship with her for years. Matters of the heart can’t be denied

  10. J said:

    My wife of 12 years told me 4 days ago that she has been in love with my best friend for the past year. He was not interested in a relationship with her but she continued to seek out his companionship and make time when she could be alone with him. I inquired numerous times through the last year if there was another man and she reassured me that there was no one else. So basically we made a vow when we met that we would not lie to each other and until this we kept our vow.
    All of you who fell in love with someone else betrayed your spouse and made them look like a fool. How can you say you love your spouse if you fall in love with some one else, pick one your spouse did and they picked you and this is how you show your so called love for your spouse.
    I do not know how my marriage will be or if it will be at all, due to the blatant disrespect my wife has shown me and how she chose to throw away our marriage just for her own selfishness.

  11. Carol said:

    I ‘ve been married for 1 and half…and 2 months ago i met this amazing guy. We went out… was fun…and the following week I went to his house… so we end up having sex… and this only lasted for 2 months…he broke up with saying that he didnt want to fall in love with me… and kept sayin that if i am not happy with my husband i should start a new life…I really like him…and if i could, i’d leave my husband to be with him…but I am not sure if this is going to work out between us…I am afraid to make the wrong decision just because i am in love…

  12. Marie said:

    I’ve have been married for two and a half years. I have been with my husband for seven years overall. We met had a baby and felt we needed to get married. BIG MISTAKE! I have never stepped out on him – even though we are both not happy in our marriage. We have two boys 4 and 2. I met another guy and he truly seems to be heaven sent – He makes me feel on cloud nine. Its weird for me because I think of him all the time and my husband and I barely talk to each other. We can go 2 months without even being physical. I don’t know what to do – part of me wants us to separate so we both can move on and be happy in other affairs and take care of our kids mutually – another part of me wants to stick the marriage out for the sake of the kids to have both parents in the home. The reality is I don’t know if my husband will ever make me as happy as I want to be because he is set in his ways. I feel miserable yet I have found someone who makes me feel really good about myself. We have never had sex but shared a lot of passionate kisses – which is basically cheating too. I don’t know what to do!!! I confessed to my husband about this other guy but he doesn’t know we still keep in contact. My husband was devastated but still wants the marriage and wants to get counseling – but selfishly I do not. I just want to be separated because I feel things wont’ change – its been seven years and things are still the same.

  13. Jane said:

    I have been with my husband for 7+yrs and married for 5, I know we have been having problems (Communicating/ lack of interest in spending quality time, etc.) for at least 4 yrs. I would always keep saying to myself “it’s no big deal we will go next time, we will do something later” Well he didn’t but I did. I went on a business trip this past spring and someone else was looking for someone to do something with too.
    We both had know idea what was happening, all I knew is that we were having so much fun and we didn’t want the evening to end. Yes I had an affair! and the only thing I regret is that I had to come home. I am in love with the man I met and he is in love with me, it may just be the idea of happiness and fulfillment that I am in love with but the fact remains that the passion and excitment is out there.
    Right now my husband knows what happened and wants to work things out, I am unsure if he will ever get over the mistrust. I am trying very hard to look forward be positive and find excitment in our marriage, he vows he is changing for himself and for me but he keeps repeating his same behaviour.
    I don’t want to let the chance of true happiness slip away, whether it is with the other man or if it is just to be out of this state of confusion and be alone.
    And to respond to the other halfs that have been left or cheated on I speak from experience. I have been cheated on and until you see the other side you will never truly understand. I now understand what my other half was going through and I am so glad that he left, if this is how he felt about me and had such a desire to be with someone else the they too have the right to be happy. You are all just kidding yourselves if you think that if your spouse just sucked it up and stayed anyway that it is ok. You need to wake up and realize that there are 2 in the relationship and if 1 is not happy then the other isen’t either. Look at yourself and find what you love about you, there is always someone who will cherish that too and guess what in accepting that you too will be able to move on and find your true happiness, not living in a fake reality!

  14. Amber said:

    Well I was married for a year and like 2 months. I got married when i was 18 and i got preggers when i was 17. My husband was he love of my life we had known each other and been b/f and g/f for 9 yrs. He joined the military and he got deployed our relationship/marriage just got destroyed. I hated him for what he did to me get custody of our son. Said that it will all work out when he got home. Well when he got home he wouldn’t talk to me goin out with other girls kicked me out of our house. It was like he never knew me. this went on for 9 months. well with in that nine months he got engaged to this girl he met when he was on deployment. So i started to move on found someone fell in love with this guy. We decided to have a baby and we did. I told my ex and he wanted me back all of a sudden. His g/f left him. I was still in love with him at the time. I told him that i cant get back with him cuz i have someone elses child and i love this guy. It has been 3 and half years since that day. sTILL WITH THE SAME GUY UT i feel like i’m STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX HUSBAND. i feel like i cant love again. i feel like my heart belongs o my ex husband but he isnt the gu that i had married back then. I love my b/f now he is great but i feel like i cant get as close as i want to be. Cuz i still love my ex husband. What do i do? Seek help from a professional or what? Lost and confused….. It hurts when I see my ex with a new girl and talk about what he is doin with his life. Like what he is doin should be mine and only mine not someother girl’s. thanks for listening please help

  15. Stop the BS said:

    For those of you that claim to love another but are still married I have one question, why do you confuse cowardice for concern? You help no one by staying if you dont want to, you are not a martyr, you are not doing what is right, you are lying to yourself and others, every minute you stay is another lie. One the flipside of things how many of you concerned or loving folks would go if you knew you could never come back? Tough one eh? I know why you dont go, you dont go because you know this is not stable grounds to build a house upon, you do not go because it is a relationship rooted in deception,you dont go because you dont want to start a relationship that is fundamentally corrupt. You do not go most of all because though you and the other lover may say you would never do it to each other, you both know that actions speak louder than words and by entering in such a relationship you actually validate it…interesting isnt it? True love doesnt stop anyone..so go if you are so bold and so in love but when that honeymoon stage is over if your not lucky enough to really have found true love..let your shame and guilt for your actions keep you away from the ones you hurt. The truth is always looking at you whether you choose to acknowlegde it or not, it doesnt sleep or eat or have to go the bathroom. I am not judging any of you…but lets face it..im putting a spotlight on the caring ones, the concerned ones, the ones who want to do whats right. For those of you putting up with it…walk away..heal yourself, get yourself together find someone who is ready for a commitment. Real love is putting up with the BS and the annoying habits and accepting the others faults….its never going outside the marriage, its keeping the family business within and only discussing it within, its confiding in and trusting one another and going to each other with your issues and settling them time and time again if need be, no house stands without maintenance..no house. Real love is keeping your word to grow old with that other person and coming home to them and only them. If you dont dont know the meaning of sacrifice, honor, respect, then you cant know love….because its not just a pretty little thing we say, its an act its a though, its chosen, you choose to love who you love..it doesnt just happen, lust just happens, shit just happens….but not love…you never just give the one thing you have and take it back to give to another because if you did that..you never gave it the first one in the firs place..that is love.

  16. Becca said:

    We have the capacity to love others. Marriage doesn’t switch that off.

    What if you and your spouse have a “good” marriage, but he just doesn’t want to have sex? Simply put, there’s a lot of history between us, many years and two grown kids. I am not involved sexually with another man, but I have deep feelings for one. I haven’t crossed the line, and it may never well happen. But, it could. If that happened, I’d have to assess what is it that I want. To remain married and faithful, but in a sexless relationship with someone that I do love in other ways, but to also have a side-relationship? Is it fair to the “other man”? Sure, the rules may be laid out, and the rules may be followed, but one thing that will happen, is people change. Relationships change. Perhaps one of the two in the affair would want to have more commitment. Then what??

  17. Craving Intimacy said:

    I’ve been married 33 years, have two grown children and two beautiful grandchildren who are the love of my husband and my lives. We’ve been through ups and downs throughout the year but 2 years I was diagnosed with breast cancer and lost both of my breasts. I have chosen to delay reconstructive surgery until I get further into my “uncertain 5 year period” of survivorship. My husband travels for his job and ironically, has lost his libido since I was sick. On the other hand, mine has increased. He has no desire to make love to me, takes mega doses of testerone and cialis and still is not interested in me. He always was a “boob” man and I’ve discovered he receives many e-mails from his male friends (who are worthless people as far as I am concerned) of slide shows of beautiful, well endowed, nude women performing many different sex acts. I am very hurt by this and thought I would try to make my body more attractive to him by losing weight and toning up with the help of a personal trainer. I have purchased many articles of sexy lingerie…does not work. I have resulted in using “toys” to satisfy my needs and it is no longer fun. I fell in love with my trainer and hoped something would result from our sessions but to no avail. I don’t know what to do. I am seriously thinking of leaving my husband just to let us do our own thing. Please respond with advice. I love my husband and don’t feel I am “in love” anymore. I am feeling very lonely.

  18. Just Me said:

    My heart is broken. I fell in love with a married man and I too was married. I had been to five marriage counselors and my husband refused to do anything to work on our marriage together. He kept shutting me out emotionally and physically. Three consecutive years of this takes a toll on a woman when her number one need is affection. I met another man in whom I instantly became friends with. We talked on the phone for hours and he knew I just wanted to be friends. A few months went by and my husband moved out and when he did, that took our relationship to the physical level. My friend was married too and he had been unhappy for a long time. He told me that they more or less got married because of timing and not that he hasn’t grown to love her but he just didn’t love her the way you should love someone when you marry them. During his marriage has had two other sexual relationships but had not fallen in love with them. I accepted and understood because I was in an unhappy marriage that did not meet my needs and I knew how that could happen. Over the course of two years, we fell deeply in love with each other. We talked on the phone for several hours a day. We would see each other only if it were in passing. We so badly wanted to be together but feared of “getting” there. Several months ago my now ex-husband found out we were talking and basically said that was it, I was honest in telling him that I am in love with him but I had always wanted the person to love me to be my husband. We are now divorced.
    This has allowed the man that I am in love with more time with me. He has a one year old child and he would let her play with my little girls and we would take them on outings.
    Two weeks ago, his wife got all his phone records and called him out on everything. She called me was well. He moved out of his house and stayed here with me. Because of all the pain “he” had caused his wife, he wanted her to say she wanted a divorce. I think that is the main reason he came here is because without saying it, that let her know he wanted to be with me. He told me he can’t live without me and that he will always love me, that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me including his wife. He said he so badly wants to be with me because he is in love with me. His wife has been guilt tripping him and telling him God could never bless “our” relationship, yet he had premartial sex with his wife… She is really guilt tripping him over the family and their daughter aspect. She told him he needed to try to work on things with her and in order to do that, he needed to leave me alone. He came yesterday and got his stuff and he stayed and cried for three hours. He told me there will never be a day that goes by that he doesn’t love me, that he is no longer in love with his wife but he has to “try” and hopes I understand. I want to die knowing I can’t talk to my best friend and lover. I can’t help but wonder why his wife would want him when he is in love with someone else. I think it is her competitive nature. It just isn’t fair to love someone so much and can’t even talk to them.

  19. Grace said:

    I can see validity in all the circumstances and feelings that I read. I married a man after dating him for 7 years. The marriage was not perfect, but my husband was a good man. But, he began spending alot of time at work when he really didn’t have to. He spent money and hid the fact that he had spent or made the money. Our finances were not great, and the money could have been a great deal of help to me in running the household. To make a long story short, I contacted a man that I had been in love with when I was 19 years old, and had not seen in 35 years. We talked for hours and began e-mailing. It did not take long for us to realize that we still loved each other and had thought of one another quite often over the years. I have left my husband and I am planning to move out of state, some 800 miles away to be with the man I love. My feeling was that if I could not love my husband and feel love for my husband, he should find love. It is important for everyone to feel loved. I could not be the wife he wanted, and I feel liberated and happy now that I have made the decision to release him from his obligation to me, and mine to him. I think he does too, though he would not admit it. I know what I have done is morally wrong and I accept that and make no excuses. However, I know that my husband will find what he is looking for and be much better off.

  20. ShawnC said:

    My wife and I were married for 5 years before things fell apart. We had the textbook marriage, or so I thought. We were the envy of all of our married friends, who told us many times that we were just the perfect couple. I really believed we were. My wife began seeing an old boyfriend at some point earlier this year. She claimed it was “just a text message relationship” at first. She confessed shortly after that there had been “some physical stuff” but “no sex”. She said the affair had began only 3 weeks before I found out. I collapsed, crumbled, cried, begged, and lost all my dignity asking her to stay. She completely rewrote our marriage with excuses for why she had the affair. Now, I’d be lying if I said we never had any problems, but they were few and far between. She was bringing up arguments from years ago and twisting them around as if they were a basis for an affair. She moved out about a week after confessing – right into his house. I’ve been to independent counseling, and I was quickly told that this affair was not about me, but about her. He said he couldn’t diagnose my wife, but that she most likely had NPD, which I do believe. I’ve met someone else, and she is WONDERFUL. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and, at times, thought that she may the reason all of this happened. Truth be told, I never wanted to love another woman. My wife has been gone for 4 months now, separation papers filed, divorce just 2 months away (no kids, thankfully). I believed so much in our marriage and my wife was truly my best friend. I don’t want to let her go forever but I’m out of options. I’ve given her every opportunity to come home so that we can try to mend our lives together. It’s a sad love story with an ending I never saw coming. I have never been so sad in my entire life. For those of you thinking of cheating. Do your spouse a favor….talk to them about what is bothering you in your marriage. TELL THEM that you can’t stay married to them if things don’t change. Don’t blindside them with an affair. It’s the worst pain you can inflict on another human being. It takes more courage to have that talk than it does to have an affair.

  21. Jane said:

    I am a firm believer that most people who spout off about “sucking it up,” “live with your spouse, while loving another,” “live up to your commitment,” etc. are judging people, and they don’t have the right to do so. I agree that marriage is a commitment. I also agree that you should avoid hurting your spouse, which is why living a lie, or having an affair in secret, or sucking it up and staying with your spouse while you love someone else is the worse hurt you can inflict on anyone. I know that I would not want to remain in a marriage if I felt (and you do feel it) that my spouse did not love me. I would want to find someone who could love me. I think that remaining in a on-sided relationship is the worse hell anyone can suffer.

  22. john said:

    To all the people who say its wrong to fall in love with a married person go learn how to be happy, for one thing who do you think is going to care for your real needs and truly love you , I will tell you who its yourself only the individual knows what he or she wants in this crazy mixed up world, people are becoming less and less caring so a word of advice care for yourself love yourself and be happy with the choices you make in life because we are all here for a very short time and before you know it you will be on your death bed so why wouldnt you want to be with someone you truly long and love for , and to do the right thing is bullshit do the right thing for yourself, and all you people that think I am selfish , learn this, life is pain , everyone goes through massive amounts of enough pain through their lifetime…..

  23. Empty said:

    What about those of us who loved our spouse with all our hearts all the while being told, on a daily basis, that we don’t measure up. What about those of us who live with being yelled at and told we are stupid and a disappointment? Yet, we stay in there. We hang on and love for years until one day something snaps and we just feel nothing any more. My husband looks at porn. He calls me frigid but I enjoy making love, or at least I did. Now, I can’t have sex with him without wondering who he is thinking about. I see his angry, red, yelling, spitting face and I can’t love him anymore. Am I wrong to want to be loved for real? I am going to counseling but it is very sad. I don’t think I will ever love him again. It’s too late. He says he wants to work on things but he also says he doesn’t feel he is wrong. Is it not wrong to push a woman up against a wall, to punch her children in the shoulder? What is ok? And I wonder why? He is the only man I was ever with. I did it all right. Why do I then have to stay with this man? Why is it wrong for me to want to be loved and cherished? He says he loves me. Really? Is this love? He is critical and never happy. He says one nice thing and expects me to react with delight. There was a time I did. Now, he makes me sick. And because of my upbringing, because I believe marriage is a contract before God, I am trapped. All of those who judge ask yourselves why these people are straying. Even those of you who have been the one who was left you better ask yourselves whether you are truly innocent. My husband is very charming. Noone would suspect he abuses. In his favor, he has never hit me, although he has hit my children. What have you done? Do you yell and belittle your wives? Is she your property or have you cherished her? Before you cast that stone, you better ask yourself this question.

  24. shaub said:

    I can’t believe i’m writing here…. I see both sides… Ive been on both sides. I guess I too feel like garbage over everything. I’m married with children. Been married for 11 years now and in this amount of time me and my wife have done some pretty crappy things to each other. It is sad make no mistake. I do truly believe and know for fact that the people who fall out of love with there spouse and in love with someone else do feel horrible, ashamed and do not want to hurt the other person, but unfortunately everyone gets hurt. Those who choose to use God as a means by which to judge your commitment are not doing themselves justice. I will stand before your God with all the decisions I’ve made and hold my head high. These things don’t make you a good person for not cheating or a bad one for cheating, they just make you human. I too have fallen in love with another, and she loves me. There’s no doubt in my mind. I’ve battled with this day in and out. I DO FEEL HORRIBLE. Call me a coward, selfish, whatever else you can think of that makes you feel better, but I’ll say this “I can stand and look at myself in the mirror” and have no issues with the man I am. I love my children, and I do love my wife, but i’m not in love with her. I’m not sure i ever really was. I got her pregnant and choose to marry her. My decision, My bed, and I have lied in it for 11 years. She too has had an affair and was leaving me, and like so many people on here are preaching about sucking it up and staying, she changed her mind and did. What a huge mistake! Maybe i was relieved at the time, but what a waste of our lives. We don’t have to be together to love our children. So now here I am reading crap on the internet looking for a way to justify my feeling when I don’t have too. I came clean with my father expecting him to tear me apart, instead he put his arm around me and told me about when he and my mother divorced. He told me how much he loves his wife, they have been married for 25 years now. I see how they are together…STILL ALL OVER EACH OTHER. She still pats the seat for him to come over and sit with her, and he says the he is just as much in love with her as the first day. I can’t argue with that because I see it on a daily basis, Rare, but these types of relationships do exist. His question to me was “Do I want to look up in 25 years and be happy or unhappy?” I want to be happy. I want to feel loved, and needed just like so many of you do. I know this will be ugly, it always is. I’m going to do what makes me happy and if that makes me a selfish piece of garbage so be it, but I won’t be waking up one day wondering what my life would have been like. As for my wife I will stand with her through this…I’m not going to just leave her High and Dry. She is going to want to hate me, yell at me, say ugly things, and take out her hurt. The least I could do for her is stand there and take it like a man. One day as with everything this shall pass. Life will continue and the pain will go away for her and me. She will meet someone that she truly loves and doesn’t feel trapped by, and I will too. This is just life, everything happens for a reason. And as for my commitment before God, He has failed me enough in my lifetime, I think its time he cuts me some slack.

  25. E said:

    I am so happy I found these comments. Next week I will be married for 12 years. I have been with my husband seven years before, so we’ve been together a total of 19 years. During those 19 years, i have supported him in every decision he has made. I left my jobs many times so that we can move around the country in order for him to meet his career goals. We have had a wonderful marriage, or so I thought, but I think I just became what he wanted me to. We had a child 9 years ago and I was a stay at home mom for 8. I buried myself into being a great mom and a wonderful wife. Yes, i was the perfect woman. I was Donna Reed, I attended all school functions and was the class mom, yet I would cook and bake from scratch. The house would always been nicely cleaned and tidy with laundry washed and pressed. I was quite impressed by my homemaking skills. During my marriage tho’, I have felt on many occasions a sadness and loneliness, but I’ve chalked it up to being a stay at home mom etc. My husband and I had many incidents where we feel like separating, but we did the right thing and stuck it out. I think I had more of those feelings, but I never said anything and never did anything about it, just stayed and appreciated the good things that my marriage held for me. Last year we had one of those moments where we just hated each other and I felt like I had to do something to get out of this rut before I became resentful to my husband or even worst my child. So I got my self a dream job, and it suited by qualifications perfectly. I kinda made up for the years that I’ve missed working. The only problem was that at work there was this really cute guy who was in the top executive position. I had a serious crush on him. Yes, I thought I was too old for a crush. I tried so many times not to think about him but he would be the first thing I thought about every morning as soon as I would open my eyes. Well listen to this carefully, my husband and I agreed to have sex with other people, but don’t have a relationship and this cute guy’s wife kept telling me that their marriage is in a sham and I should have sex with him so he wouldn’t bug her all the time. Now my cute executive and I spoke occasionally to each other and on several occasions he mentioned how he liked talking to me and like my ideas. So one day we had the opportunity to actually go out for lunch. Now this is about nine months of me loving him in silence (or infatuated or whatever) and I opened my big mouth and kinda insinuated about the agreement I had with my husband and what his wife had asked me to do. He was at first shocked, and we made it into a kinda joke. He then wanted to know if I would go for that arrangement. But the problem with me is that I can’t just have a one night stand without knowing someone, so I started having a relationship with this guy with the intention to just doing the deed and be done. Well it turned out that he is the most wonderful person. We totally fell in love with each other., but still didn’t do the deed. He left his wife because it was easy for him to do, and one day my husband asked me if I was involved with someone else. I couldn’t lie to him so I told him yes and he guessed who it was right away. I explained to him I didn’t do the act, but he was still hurt that I had a relationship. Okay, before you all start judging, let me tell you that I did try to stop things when I realized that it was getting too far, and the guy went away for a while, but I think this was just too big for us to handle. My husband is really hurt because I have strong feelings for another, and I hate to say it, but I do regret hurting my husband, he is a good guy, but I don’t regret falling in love with this guy. It’s been four months now, and I’m still waiting for the novelty to wear out like everyone tells me it would. My husband and I are living in separate homes. My son stays at home and my husband and I takes turns going to my son so he wouldn’t have to change home. I dont’ know what the next step will be. My husband doesn’t want to go to counselling, said he doesn’t need it, so I guess I will go myself. I never thought i would be in this position I always tried hard to make things perfect or alnost so, but I guess I really failed here. Please there are enough nay sayers out there to make us cheaters feel like the scum of the earth, but if anyone has some constructive advice or comments, please do make them.

  26. Betty said:

    Sure – justify your actions. You hated your husband so you slept with his best friend for the last 4 months. You HAD to sleep with his best friend because you are no longer in love with your husband. All you HAVE to do is justify your actions within yourself – thats it. Because really – it is about you. Your feelings. Your sadness. Your body and soul given to someone who you can’t stand anymore. Now, grass is greener over here and you are going whether anyone likes it or not. Whether you had a commitment to something or not. It does not matter. The only thing that matters is that YOU are taken care of. Remember – it is all about you and you only.
    Forget the fact that your husband may think about you every day in a way you never knew.
    Forget the fact that your husband loves you more than anything in the world.
    Forget the fact that this man would stand by you no matter if all your hair fell out and your feet were crooked.
    Forget the fact that this man will hold your head above water and forget about his own.
    Forget the fact that you turned away from the one person that would have loved you until you no longer walked the earth and would think of you fondly every day he still walked.
    Forget about it – oh wait. You already have.
    You loved this person or you wouldn’t have married him. Honor and respect – takes strength. Disrespect – sure sign of weakness.
    Why would anybody want YOU?

  27. Jason said:

    I’m only a teen, and my girlfriend moved to my town, and when she saw me standing next to my friend, she thought we were the “hottest things.” As i recall…a couple of days ago my “friend” and her hung out, well, we’ve only been dating for 4 months, and my “friend” has pissed me off so much i’m not his friend, he’s just too jealous…well they hung out, and she thought i lied to her, so she felt betrayed and horrible…so they made out. Now in these past months i’ve been dating her…she told me she liked him, then loved him, and now this? and today she said she was an amazing kisser…well i really don’t know what to do, it’s either kick the kids ass and she’ll leave me, or just deal with depression and misery knowing this shit. Personally, if this happens to anyone…cut the love chain with the girl, i’m staying with her becasue i love her, and i know she loves me..but i think she loves him too, i don’t know what to do about him though, either kick his ass, and lose the girl, or keep being depressed, smoking/cutting/crying, it’s just too much for me. Suicide? no, i can’t ruin everyones life, and knowing people will read this, maybe i will commite suicide, maybe not, who knows, and my new years revolution? dang..it was to stay with my girl forever and get married. I know this is mixxed up, i mean i’m supossed to be posting something about me loving someone else than my girl, but really…i’m breaking down, my insides are screaming with anger when i hear the other guys voice…like i truley hate him. Well, i doubt anyone really wants to hear about my life anymore, so tonight i’ll take triple c’s, smoke some weed, get fucked up and listen to the screaming of my fathers voice towards my mom, but my parents, they have always loved eachother, they have been having the best years of their gay fag lifes, and for me…when i met this girl, i fell in love at first sight, i don’t care if people don’t believe me here, but she’s beautiful caring girl, but i don’t understand how girls get attached to other guys so easy…anyone have that answer?

  28. Em Jay said:

    Jason,

    It’ll get better, bro. You’re still pretty young. These are hard times for you, I’ve been there, too. It’ll get better, trust me.

  29. My Thoughts said:

    Were to start?? I met my husband when I was 16 we dated off an on for a couple years. Things were good until I found out my crush liked me too. I broke things off with my boyfriend then went away for the summer hoping that when I came home I could start things with my crush well my heart dropped to my stomach when I found out his girlfriend was pregnant. So I knew we would never get together. Though to this day when we talk I still feel theres something there. We are both married now him to her and me to my then ex boyfriend who I went running back to with a broken heart. I would never mess things up with them this isn’t what it’s all about but I believe it’s the start of all my problems. When I had spent time with my crush (yes we sneaked around for a few weeks before I left that summer) I felt butterflys when I kissed him and he always made me laugh. To this day I have dreams about him usally that were together and then one of our spouses walks up an we look away same thing everytime. I was from a small town and leaving for college so my boyfriend asked me to Marry him I was so hurt that I thought this guy really loves me and I can never have the one I love so why not I didn’t think clearly and was feeling like things would be ok and I would have someone who would never leave me. I can’t explain it but I married him and went away to college. It was tough and everyday all I thought about was my crush. Wondering if I wouldn’t have went away that summer if we might be together? Five plus years have gone by I still have the dreams and the thoughts. I have stopped talking to him thinking I could forget him but I feel like I married for the wrong reasons honestly I know that much is true. I love my husband but yet I feel this void and I am a believer that everyone diserves to be happy and I feel like I am living a lie being with someone I am not in love with. I know he loves me but I think one day he could love another and I want him to be with someone who loves him in return. I don’t want to be selffish but I have one life to live and I would give so much to feel the same passion and happiness I felt with my crush. I realize I cannot have my crush but I think there is someone else who shares that same personalty and I could love and this time love me in return. I want to be happy too and feel that longing to be with someone and miss them when there away and hold them when they come back. Please save all your God blah blah blah I beilieve in evolution and science not magic and faith. I just want to know if there is someone else who has been in my shoes knows how I feel when I dream and what your story was and how it turned out for you. I feel better just gettin this out its what I want to say but I keep buried like a dirty secret and they are my thoughts…………

  30. Pamela said:

    I have been married for over 16 years. We have two wonderful kids, 13 & 15. My husband became addicted to prescription drugs over 6 years ago. This sent our family into constant turmoil. It came to an ugly head when I had him escorted to the airport by soem mutual friends to go back to our hometown with his mom to get treatment, I had come home again to find him so drugged up i did not know weather he was still breathing.
    I have had a wonderful man friend that is a mutual friend to me and spouse. We have been friends for over 9 years. I would consider him my best friend, he is also married. They have been married for about the same amount of time. He has tried to leave her several times but always returned because he was afraid of losing his kids. We started talking alot on the phone in August of 2008 and have become best friends. Sadly, his wife believes we are having an affair (intimately). She has called me every name in the book and has told my husband and children. We have never been intimate but we have fallen in love with one another and have been having an emotional affair. We have told our families the truth. His family hates his guts, his wife threw him out and told their kids that they had every right to hate him. He really loves his children and works very hard to provide them with everything. My husband wants me to rethink this and my kids surprisingly are not that upset. I wish there was an easy answer to this. I feel morally obligated to my spouse but to be honest, I want to begin a new life with my best freind, I have loved him for years.

  31. Sam said:

    My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have been friends for nearly 30.
    The problem in our relationship has always been that I did not allow myself to fall head of heels at the start of our relationship but I think she did. For the past 18 years I feel like there is this long list of criteria that I have to satisfy to “prove” that I love her so I c an never be relaxed in the relationship.

    Last year I came friends with a beautiful woman who admires me and is passionate about the same things I am. I fell in love with her but it was fortunately (I guess) not reciprocated. I came out about the issue to my wife and we attended marriage counseling for some months while I purposely restricted being around my friend. My wife was happy that I had chosen her over the other woman and our relationship was about the best it has ever been. Secretly I was unable to stop thinking about about my friend.

    Then when a person who has been my mentor and confidant who has been important in our marriage died everything came to the surface again and my wife is deeply hurt. I don’t know if we can patch things up.

    I am sad and tired. I am in love with two women but face loosing the friendship of both.
    Why is my mind so hapless – why do I need validation from women to be happy?

  32. Mandy said:

    I think I might already know the answer to my delema but ill throw it out there anyways. I have been with my husband for 13 years total 8 years married. I met him when I was 19. He took me under his wing (hes 5 years oilder) and provided me with everything I could ever want. I have never had to open a single door since I have met him, he is a wonderful man and a caring loyal trusting soul. I had been sleeping with his brother on and off for 9 years. I have cheated on him with around 7 different guys. I have done lewd things with numerous guys that dont involve sex. I have never wanted or needed a relationship with any of these men, just sex. My husband worked nights. When he wasnt working nights he never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. Just stay home and watch movies. He let me do anything I wanted. I would go out without him all the time with girlfriends to bars and clubs. He never told me “no”. My husband has never been a sexual person. I have addressed this issue to him MANY times throuought or relationship. I started feeling like his daughter, a little girl he was taking care of, he babied me and took care of all my wants and needs. He tells me im pretty and beautiful, but never that im hot or sexy. We have gone for 9 months without having sex, and the one time we do its cause maybe he had a few beers and im drunk. Well…I ended up falling in love with someone else. I had NEVER inteded to fall in love with someone else. The affairs were purley sexual to fufill what my husband could not give me. Now I am in a terrible situation where im realizing that maybe I dont love my husband the way I should. (Duh!) Im struggling to decide to stay with him and try to “work it out”, but what is there to work out? The damage has been done I believe. I mean look what I have been doing to him all these years! But now that I am considering divorce I am terrified of losing him. But I think if I go back that I will end up pretending. I could do it too. But to stay just to save him the hurt of losing me – would that make me happy? We have so much history together so many good times that I think of and cry over. I was in love at one point. Maybe our journey is over. In a way he finished raising me – I was straight out of my parents house when we met. I am the person I am today because of him (not the cheating whore part though I guess) I moves out and have been out for 3 months now. I see this other man all the time. But I can not bring myself to say “I want a divorce” It would be easier if I hated him or is he was a drunk or he hit me or something. It just doesnt seem right to leave someone who loves you with all their heart. Am I holding on to the memories or am I about to make the biggest mistake of my life?

  33. deliela said:

    I was wondering what happens when you are an innocent victim of another man who preys on your insecurity and sees you as unloved or lonely … My husband was diagnosed with a Pre-Parkinson’s syndrome or he will develop Parkinson’s in the near future. I love my husband very much – Our relationship now is a comfortable one. We have been married for 21 years. No kids because I have major plumbing problems – or at least the Infertility Docs blamed me… I figure if my husband did not leave me for my body snafu then I would not leave him because of the tremor in his left side. I can not say that the tremor does not turn me off – I compromise though because I have weight to loose and I am sure that is not so cool to him. I am an artist – designer – my husband is a painter – we have our own business together. It took so much out of us to learn to work together as a team – the business is our baby! We took some financial free falls in this economy – I rented a storefront from my neighbor an Italian man who is short and fat and hairy – My husband is tall and nicely built with sliver hair and great eyes… The Italian Man flirted with me lots – I ignored him lots – however I sometimes put forth many suggestive thoughts back to him to up the anti on my sexual prowess…The Italian man is a player and I was flattered that he took interest in me and my art — he would make comments about my face that were seductive in nature… My husband is very much a quiet person and started to just ignore me sexually and just worked with me in the business took me for granted so to speak… when our sex life is on it is fabulous but he tends to get tired lots and I am a bundle of energy always… I started to get a bit resentful over his lack of enthusiasm for our sex life and life together plus I was doing the business night and day – I built a friendship with the Italian Man… A year later the Italian Man proposes a friends with benefits relationship – hey I am not in love with this man at all in fact his type is slimy at best… but then something got into my blood over him… I wanted to sleep with him for some reason. After all his proposals – he starts to flash his manhood around me in small doses – I got an ego boost off of the sexual tension and intrigue — I had oral sex with him — I was so sick over this that I hated myself totally — I hate that I pleasured him and got nothing for myself out of my infidelity. I am healing now over this with feelings of thrill and discussed thoughts… I found that I did this to improve my ego my self worth as a women for someone to give me what I should have been giving myself – I joined a gym – tanning salon — bought some nice workout things – got my hair highlighted — the sad part is that I have to turn up my music in the car to drown out the thoughts of the year long woo session only to end up as a one women show with me being a doormat on her knees – Now I am on my knees and praying for God’s forgiveness and mercy. I could love this new man because he is the polar opposite of my husband… He is artistic – driven and totally hot with lust… my husband is a boyscout and this Italian man is the devil — I have learned that you have to look with in yourself to make you happy and stick by the peace that God has given you.. My marital life needs work – I am working hard to improve me and help my husband love me more by being kinder and gentler to him and me… I can not believe what overtook me – I was possessed that day not myself – I just wanted the sex from him … I grew to half way love that other man… I hate that he is my neighbor a door down – I hate that I feel victimized and I cheapened myself this way … I am not sure what will happen next – I closed my store and I am afraid to go down there in fear that I will see him again – He spoke to me after I did him and he said he felt no guilt from what happened – I told him a shook for two days solid – he smerked and seems like it was nothing after his long hard glances and his attempts to get something from me… He got that I got nothing… I am beautiful — I look like a babydoll – He got to me by talking about how beautiful my lips were and how he loved when I wore lipstick – my husband hates when I wear lipstick and likes me natural – but I love glamour – I have lost weight over the past 3 weeks and feel great – I hate that devil neighbor of mine – How can I escape him now – Will I have the willpower not to do anything else with him… I am not so sure – I have lots of soul searching to do right now… If anyone can let me know if they think that this brief sexual encounter is going to end up into more let me know… thanks — so sad to be messing within my own backyard right now HELP

  34. JustMe said:

    I wrote back in August and he wasn’t gone for long. I think a week. Things are much better now and they will be divorced soon.

  35. hurting said:

    I m married and having a bit of an issue. My wife is spoiled by her parents and i do everything for her. she contributes very lil to bills and work around the house. i work from 8am to about 7pm as an IT manager. I never get any appreciation on how much i do. i come home cook 99% time do laundry and vaccume and clean (no kids). I meet this girl who works at a coffee shop who talks to me and we became friends and she is engaged but i look at her and see how happy she is when she dont have everything and her man dont give her everything and she takes care of her man so well. So we talk and talk for about 2 months and she is getting married this weekend and she says before she leaves she loves me and that she dont know what to do and i m so messed up about this and i think i have feelings for her too.. i dunno whats wrong with me i m so tired of work and my secone job(house work+and wife) and this coffee shop girl take care of her self and take care of everything else. I m depressed and really sad that she is getting married. The way this girl looks at me says everything her eyes looks at me “I feel really bad for u” kinda look or ” I wish i got a chance to take care of you and make u happy” — > i m so scared to do anything about my feelings cause i cant bare to see anyone cry. This coffee house girl is getting married because she dont want to backout of it b coz of the things everyone has done for her and her wedding. I m unhappy at home cause all i do is work work work … and i dont think i m taking care of me… my feelings and i ve never done that. My wife says she has forgotten who she is cause of me… i dont know what to do or what that means .. is having a clean house a bad thing … is cooking and washing ur dishes as it comes a bad thing ? am i suppose to let the dishes and the laundry pile up ? WTF …. i m not asking for a slave i m asking for a partner 50/50 and we argue and she will start doing stuff around the house for a week.. then it stops and then after couple months we argue again its a cycle. Oh man this coffee house girl feels like she gets me and gets how i feel. She said if ur working this hard at ur job the least i can do is reduce what i have to do at home. I mean my wife would not wash her damn car is i dont do it .. the inside of that car looks like a trash can. OMG i dunno what the hell to do i m so lost and everyday that goes by that i know my friend is getting married it tears a lil bit out of my heart. and please dont tell me to talk to my wife i have many many times but she dun get it. I dont want to be with a woman just for sex .. i want a mom/wife/who can take care of business…. ahhh i sound like a lil cry baby but thats what i feel i should do is cry ….

  36. Shawnda said:

    I have been married for almost two years to the wrong man. I accidently falled in love with a married man a couple years prior to meeting my husband. At first, things started off innocent. I would have never intentionally pursue a married man. After getting to know him I began to realize that him and his wife were having problems. This should have been a red flag for me to move on but things were still innocent at the time. The more time we spent together the more serious things became. Over time we became initimate. Things started getting too serous and he was scared to leave his household out of fear of losing his children. My father was not in my life so I did not want to be responsible for taking someone else’s father all out the home. The married man and I would started to spend more time a part to get rid of our feelings. During this process I met a new guy that seemed very nice. I thought that he could take my attention away from the married man but that never really happened. The married man wanted me to leave my finacee. He offered to confess his love for me during my ceremony but I declined the offered. I did not want him to leave his wife just because I was geting married. Well …here we are two years later and I am still comunicating with this other man. This guy is in the process of getting a divorce. I do not want to hurt my husband but I am in love with this other man. Help! What should I do.

  37. VINCE said:

    THOSE OF YOU INVOLVING SOMEONE ELSE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR WHATEVER SELF INDUCED SELFISH EXCUSE, JUST REMEMBER THE EVER POPULAR SAYING “WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND” AND WHEN IT DOES, DONT BITCH ABOUT IT. ITS WHAT YOU DESERVE. NO EXCUSE FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL. IT (THE SO CALLED PROBLEM CREATED BY THE CHEATER) ALWAYS HAD AN ANSWER. ONLY POINT TO YOURSELF. NO ONE SAID LOVE WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE PRETTY.
    BECAUSE ONCE THE TRUTH COMES OUT AND IT ALWAYS DOES AND IT WILL. GUARANTEED. YOUR GOING TO WANT THAT LOVE YOU TOOK FOR GRANTED BACK AND NEVER HAVE IT THE SAME AGAIN.
    YOU THOUGHT DIAMONDS WERE FOREVER? GUESS AGAIN, SCARS LAST FOREVER AS WELL. AND YOU WILL ONLY APPRECIATE A BROKEN HEART UNTIL ITS DONE TO YOU.
    GOD HAS AN ANSWER FOR THOSE WO WERE CHEATED; DO NOT TAKE REVENGE, MY FRIENDS,BUT LEAVE ROOM FOR GODS WRATH, FOR IT IS WRITTEN; “IT IS MINE TO AVENGE; I WILL REPAY,” SAYS THE LORD.

  38. L.J said:

    You are so RIGHT Vince. It all comes down to GOD. I love and fear HIM so much that I would be scared to step out of my marriage. GOD keeps me focused.

  39. TC said:

    Shawnda, I hear you. I had been married to a man for 3 years (known him prior for 6yrs) when I met my now husband. I was as much shocked by my feelings for this new person (as I was NOT looking for anything or anyone) as I was overjoyed by the feelings for my new love. This person coming into my life helped me to see that I had made a mistake in marrying my first husband. It was not my first husband’s fault and I don’t believe it was my fault. It was a life lesson that had to be learnt, not ignored. I would have continued to die (emotionally) if I had stayed in that marriage; so that would mean me and my husband both with broken hearts because of an archaic, unwritten rule that we must stick with and suffer through a mistake. The mistake I made in marrying my first husband was just that… an innocent mistake. What kind of God do some people believe in that can’t find a way to forgive this kind of error. God forgives mass-murderers for goodness sakes. Please Shawnda, think it through of course, because divorce is ugly and hard…. I had a very tough time with Catholic parents also, but I am a strong believer in following one’s heart and the wonderful thing is that there is another side to come out on where the sun shines. I married my new love and we have been ecstatically happily married for more than 3 years now and also have a beautiful, amazing little girl together. Not that I have asked but I have also heard that my exhusband has a new person in his life and is apparently happy too. Life is short Shawnda… way too short to not go for something that your heart is screaming for. Just promise me you will think it through properly and choose whatever it is you choose for the right reasons. Life is meant to be full of love and fun…. how is yours at the moment???

  40. Karla McIntyre said:

    I have ben married 4 yrs to the WRONG man… He is 9 yrs my senior and I rushed into the marriage. I have since fallen for another man.. I know in my heart that this other man is my SOULMATE… It was insta- attraction and I fall in love with him more and more everyday … We are so much alike its creepy…. I am going to leave my husband for this man.. The inly thing holding me back is the fear my husband will do something stupid.. He tells me if he cant have me that he would die … Grr but I so want out of the marriage b/c he is constant de-grading my family and makes me feel so worthless at times….

  41. jb said:

    My sad story: I was married for 8 yrs and during the 3rd yr of my marriage, a strange woman leaves a message on my cell phone stating she had been together with my husband for 16 yrs.! My heart sank. I went home and confronted my husband and he denied it of course. I believed him and then on my birthday, I found a receipt of him and this same lady had gone on a cruise! This was of course during a time he was supposedly on a business trip for 1 wk. He had already been treating me horribly by only coming home two weekends a month because he literally was leading a double life living with this woman during the week. Okay, so I was a chump! Anyway, I was lonely and met a man who worked in the IT dept. At my work. He had been interested in me as he was single but I was married, but he was attracted to me. I began an email relationship followed by soon a telephone thing going on and then graduating to a sexual relationship. He was holding his feelings back because I was still married so he knew it was wrong. He was developing serious feelings for me but still very guarded. I had fallen in love…I didn’t expect to but that is what I get for having an affair. I should have divorced my husband first! However; since I didn’t, impulsive actions go back to bite you in the butt later! He had been with someone off and on for yrs. As well. It was on eof those comfortable relationships where you date for a long time because it comfortable and you know you hav e a mutual trust of friendship there. If he were in love, he wouldn’t have sought after me. So because things started out hot and heavy at first, a solid relationship had not been properly formed. A bit of dating game playing and prideful stubborness had been displayed and a bad communication and misundrstanding was being done. I was gaga and not thinking straight. He was wondering what I was going to do as a married woman: divorce? Or go back to my husband. My lover didn’t want to let his guard down completely only to be dumped at any moment’s notice. He had something comfortable to fall back on if needed. Anyway, I eventually filed for divorce while he and I tried to develop a relationship aside from sexual attractio. A debacle occurred because he wasn’t the most communicative and insightful and I not using my brain to decode anything sensible aside from being disillusioned from beinghe being an impulsive in lust, andhe thought I wasn’t interested anymore and I was playing hard to get games. In any case, my divorce was not going final as planned because my husband didn’t want to go through with it. My lover and I had a disagreement and didn’t speak to each other for months. Suddenly, I hear through the grapevine that he had gotten married only days before my divorce became final! I was very hurt. I couldn’t believe it! He and I had discussed getting married nonchalantly…God, I was blown away by the news. I couldn’t eat and felt sick. He didn’t tell me and I wrote him a letter telling him how hurt I was and that I had heard it through someone else and that I flt he should have told me himself. Anyway, not 6 months into the marriage he txts me asking to meet with me somewhere. We met at a motel and from 2004, when I first started an affair with him while I was married and he was single to 2006 to present, he being married and I am single. Ys this shameful and wrong. We have tried to avoid each other and I have lectured him about it and I have asked him over and over again why did he marry his wife only to say the same thing, ‘I was dpressed depressed!’ Henever says because I loved her or anything. He just brings up the same scenario of me not contacting him for months as if I blew him off which was a very wrong assumption on his part. Again, not getting the right foundation down in the relationship first. Moral of this story: close one door before opening another. Get the divorce before starting another relationship. Stay single for at least one yr after a relationship ends. People need time to focus on liking themselves before they can like another person. It makes you strongr and gives that person an even playing field to start on. This was the advice of my therapist that I am sharing to all of you that is truly the right thing to do.

  42. TC said:

    Karla, I understand your scenario as it somewhat resembles my own. While I left my husband and did start up a relationship with another man, my advice would be to be absolutely sure that what you want first and foremost is to leave your husband… after which you make the decision to be with your new fella. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that the two are connected. I think we need the distinction because if you go into the decision thinking: I am leaving situation 1 for situation 2, it creates all of these expectations and puts extra pressure on the new relationship. As I wrote above, it all worked out for me with my new love, but the beginning was hard and very testing, and I can assure you that this process does not need extra pressure!
    The other thing I will say is that nobody ever died because of a divorce… don’t flatter yourself… he will survive and if he chooses not to, it would not be your responsibilty. My ex told me had thought of “topping himself” when I had first told him about my decision… but when I had made it quite clear that there was no going back on my decision, he just wanted me out and I know for a fact that within 3 mths he had his name on dating websites and within two yrs he was living with someone. As I said to Shawnda above…. divorce can be horrible, but the sun does shine again. Life is short… and God forgives…. don’t beat yourself up.

  43. PixieCantus said:

    You should always go with who you love and marriage is a form of social control. There is nothing unnatural or immoral about loving more than one person, and it doesn’t always mean you have to screw around.

    People who make decisions based on fear are living half-lives. Wake up. The sooner you serve yourself first, the sooner you serve everyone naturally, and the sooner life starts to feel like something worth living.

    I cannot believe some of the comments I read here. “I stayed with him but the other man has the most part of my heart”. WHAT IS THE POINT? It is nothing but hypocritical, and if you had the GUTS to leave you would be doing everyone a favour.

  44. PixieCantus said:

    btw – LJ???

    quote

    You are so RIGHT Vince. It all comes down to GOD. I love and fear HIM so much that I would be scared to step out of my marriage. GOD keeps me focused.

    GOD is love – so why are you afraid? GOD is freedom, so why are you imprisoning yourself according to CHURCH doctrine? EDUCATE yourself. GOD is NOT religion. GOD simply is, just how you could if only people like you would pull your head out your ass and stop living in fear and start living life the way GOD intended.

  45. TC said:

    Couldn’t agree more Pixie. People who “love” and “fear” the same thing have got a very serious problem and will never be free…
    That’s ok… their path I suppose…

  46. SDaze said:

    I am the other women, I never thought of myself as a bad person, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I believed with all of my heart and soul that all things happen for a reason. We connected on so many levels that it seemed nothing short of a gift from God. He is a good man and may not leave her. I will have tears in my heart for him forever. He makes me laugh, this is why I am reading this, I wanted to see the other side of the coin. What kind of struggles is he going though? I just want him to be happy. Life is to short to not be happy. I know our feelings are mutual, my heart breaks for both of us. But I love us both enough to walk away. It just hurts really bad right now. He has never once said that he is not in love with her, I believe he does care deeply for her, but I don’t believe that it is the kind of love that we share, when I look into his eyes I know what he is thinking,feeling, I know his frustration at not been able to voice his thoughts…No one can say what love is right and what love is wrong…In the end all we have to bring with us is our memories and feeling of love that we have shared in our life time…It would be sad to never be able to express those thoughts because of what society deems to be right and wrong. I won’t apologize for falling for a man that makes me feel complete in his presense….I have never had anyone leave me for another women, but I think if I did, I wouldn’t want him anyway, I had been married for 8 years, our marriage was a very sad one, I felt forced to marry him because I was pregnant and very young. I felt trapped and not in love, nothing could have saved that marriage.My husband ended of commting suicide and left me a single parent of four. I have been a stong and independant person, relationships were the farthest things from my mind for many years. I have always wanted the real deal or nothing at all. So do I know that this is real? all I can say is yes I believe it is very real. I will not force him in any way…it is his decision, I will go on with my life and live it to the fullest and be gratefull just to have known that I can have such happiness.

  47. Grace said:

    I about 2 months ago Ive reconnected with an old childhood boyfriend. We have talked about everyday on FB. My feelings have grown so much and I feel that Im falling in love with this man. It has been about 15 years since we have last seen each other. But I want to see him but im afriad because we both are married. My marriage is pretty good and soild, this other man just took me by surprise. But I cant shake him no matter what I do and he has expressed the same feeling for me. What should I do? I dont want to hurt my husband but I feel like I owe it to myself to see where it takes me. This man has always been special to me. HELP!!!

  48. Anonymous said:

    I Think you should stop this relationship if either spouse’s finds out you will lose everything…

  49. Hopelessly in love said:

    I am in love with a married man. This man and I have been the best of friends for around 20 years. I have been married and am now divorced. He is currently married and has been for over 15 yrs. His wife has left him in the past and stated she just needed some space. She returned but after returning he has been extrememly insecure in their relationship. Currently she tells him he makes her sick and that they are incompatable. They have children as as do I. There’s more but can someone help me out. This is hard.

  50. Anonymous said:

    I am a married mom of one. My husband is a wonderful, patient and devoted man with whom I share many good memories. We have been married for 9 years. The last few years I have not been interested in sex very much, but I chalked that up to having had a child, being exhausted, etc. My husband has been working on getting his Ph.D. degree and it has been slow going. To allow him to do this, I had given up my job in my non-profit field in order to make more money. There definitely are some resentment issues on my part. After 6 years, and not much progress I finally decided that I was done waiting and applied for jobs in my field and got hired. A few months ago I was introduced to a colleague and – you’ll probably guess it – I instantly fell in love. This had never happened to me before. Not with my husband and not with anyone else. I’ve had crushes before that were easy to manage, but this was just an full out cosmic connection complete with fireworks and a 12 piece brass band. And it was mutual. We flirted, hung out and the more we got to know each other the more we wanted to be together. He kissed me first and although I tried my hardest to feel awful about it, I just couldn’t and still can’t. It felt right and I have no regrets. I then realized that I do not love my husband. Well, I love him, very much so even, I am just not in love with him and am not attracted to him – maybe never was. I have slept with my colleague once. After that, he insisted that I should first be more available before we could take it any further… And the stupid thing is, I totally want to be with him… am head over heels absolutely in love with him. But I know there is no future in the relationship, although now I’m afraid that there really is no future in the relationship with my husband, either. And I wonder, is it better to be honest and see how things work out or trust that this infatuation will eventually go away? My husband is a great dad and with logistics being as they are, I would never be able to pull off being a single mother! So… to repress my feelings, suck it up and let a little part of myself die or risk hurting and destroying the relationship I have with my husband and child? It seems to be an unfair choice either way.

  51. Dalida said:

    I have been married for two years.. and it is a love marriage and we are happy together, and i still love my husband so intensly and so much. But I have been on a trip recently and I don’t know how or why, but my heart fell for this other guy. So badly that I am having such a guilt feelings of falling in love with another man while loving my husband, i don’t want to hurt my husband because i love him so much. I can’t help it but this other guy makes my heart clap and makes me feel so happy when he is around that I forget everything. Now I am back home, he keeps in touch and he tells me openly that he loves me. But i didn’t cross any line and i stay faithful to my husband, at the same time i just wish i could be with this other guy… he is occupying such a great part of my heart and mind that I cannot help it….

  52. cynthia said:

    im married but very un happy, work with a different dept and feel in love with my temp boss. he also feel in love with me . he show me thing i never knew a woman could feel , 27 yrs of marriage never felt like a women never like sex untill i met him we will call him t . T Has young kids and a wife who want work and said she would take him for a ride. i know going in to this relanship was going to be hard , but man it hurts a time . we talk alot and email and its hard to find time to be together sense we dont work together any more . my kids are grown and my home life sucks my husband has not touch me , maybe 22 times sense we been married . i am in love and he makes me feel like i am on top the world when i am with him , just talking to him makes me feel good all over and ever time he teel me he loves me i cry . i do love my T

  53. confused lady 143 said:

    for my situation my spouse and i have been living together for quite sometime now like 10 yrs but not married but we do have a child together, but ive realized that since days pass us by and years have gone by ive been seeing the bad side of him that i didnt see from him before, like hes smoking pot everyday and drinking beer every night and i hate it! i told him what i felt everytime it gets me mad but he doesnt listen to me and i know he has no problem its just his bad habit.. i cry everytime, so one time i went on chat and started chatting with one of my good friend from way back, we just started chatting again, and remembered how we used to liked each other before, what’s weird is the feeling came back, i feel like i like this guy again, and now i feel guilty because im hiding it from my spouse when im chatting.. i know i am self centered based on the stuff i read in this forum, and im realizing that im searching for someone who is totally opposite from him. i think im even longing for my spouse love cause all he does is his bad habits and forgetting about my feelings. anyways also when he gets mad he swears at me over little things and blames me for everything even tho i think its his fault but sometimes i just dont want to talk because he will just find ways to make himself right and he will just keep blaming me and swearing at me. i feel so hurt! :( pls help me.. i am trying my best to keep the family together but its hurting me so much, he wont listen to me and he emotionally abuse me by swearing at me :( so him doing that makes me want to chat with my guy friend on chat and now i dont even know if im hurting the other guy because i feel like he likes me too and he doesnt know i have a spouse and a child

  54. Stuck between the two said:

    I’m 20 and I’ve been married a little over a yr and we have been together for 3 we have a 10month daughter together and my husband was always the love of my life! He was truely the only man for me. I never needed or wanted another man. Just my hubby. Well he’s been in the military for almost 2yrs now and while we spent so much time aways he was taking care or checking on our daughter like a thought a father should we argued and slit for a while I started talkn to a old friend from my freashman yr of college and FELL MADLY IN LOVE. He love me and my daughter and had all the time in the world for us. My husband soon found out but didn’t feel too bad bc he had been having a sexual relationship for a while now. He doesn’t knw that I still tlk to him and I want to be with the other guy but I just can’t leave my husband. I just want him to love me like he use too. Pay attention to me and our daughter like the new guy does and I will be happy again. So now I’m stuck and dnt know if I’m goin to leave my husband for the new guy that I’m CRAZY in love with or stay with my husband and pray he changes

  55. Devastated Dude said:

    Wow, this is a very interesting blog.

    My story . . . I have been married for 20 years, with my wife since we were teenagers and married when we were in college. Our relationship was never really that great, we married very young for not a lot of good reasons. We are in our 40’s now, with kids and have really never had a good marriage. She became quite an unhappy person in our 30’s and was very verbally abusive and belittling towards me and my family, not to mention physically abusive at times. During those years I ended up falling 100% out of love for her. Fortunately I always remained faithful, never once straying in high school or college and as adults. That all changed a few years ago when, after years of her refusing to go to marriage counseling, I ended up finally meeting another woman. The attraction was instantly mutual and ended up being VERY deep and unbelievably romantic and passionate on every level. During the 2+ years we were seeing each other we also became best friends. She is the absolute love of my life without question. Herein lies the dilema. Had I waited to find someone AFTER getting divorced I believe I would have been able to do it. The problem is I tried to divorce while still seeing this woman and the guilt just crushed me like an avalanche. I separated for a period and even filed for divorce. I couldn’t follow through with it though. I told my new love goodbye and went back to my wife. This brought some brief relief as I was terribly unhappy being separated from my kids at times. However since then I have been brought back to the cold reality that I do not love my wife at all. I carry a lot of hurt and mistrust from things she has done/said to me and I am definitely not attracted to her at all. I think she is basically a decent person, a good mother and a good friend to others. I do not wish to hurt her but I feel I DO need to find a way to try and leave her and hope to find a way to get her to let me go. I miss my new love so much that it hurts however I know that I cannot be in contact with her until my marriage ends. In that time she may find someone else or just not want me anymore. It is important for me that I do this not knowing if she will be there or not. I need to have 100% certainty that I am not leaving my wife for another woman even though it will probably feel that way to some extent. I need to somehow find the peace that I am lacking. I was and always have been a very normal happy person, who married the wrong person. But I will tell you this . . . I knew it would be bad to have an affair and now it has ruined my life. However there is a sliver of hope. What I really need to do is focus on living a happy life, figure out my feelings and fears and stay married or get divorced. It kills me to think of my kids having to go through another separation and then a divorce. I worry that they will hate me. Mostly I worry about going through life much longer without being in love. I miss the love of my life, can barely breath without her. I hope we can be together one day . . . . whoever “she” ends up being . . . .

  56. Jayne said:

    Message for anonymous

    I am in exactly the sme situation as you, have you made any decisions yet?

  57. ladybug said:

    I have been married for almost a year and been with him almost 3 years and i found an old friend of mine on the internet and well i fell in love wit him. we were never togther like that but now that i am talking to him agine i find my self falling in love with him and he is felling it to. I dont want to leave my husband i love him sooooo much but i feel bad because i am falling for another man. I think it would be a good idea if i kept it as a secret and lived in peace

  58. PeachesGee said:

    The stories in this blog are truly touching; it kinda brings some level of comfort that i have not gone crazy after all. here goes my story… i married my husband 5years ago and we’d been seeing each other for 4years when we tied the knot (so we’ve been together for 9years in total). a couple of months after our 1st anniversary i started a new job (generously paying). it was like a turning point for both of us were excited and optimistic about the future. however, arguments grew as we were equally struggling to conceive. the home front became a strain and we steadily drifted apart. the only thing that kept me +ve was my job; plus i had developed a special connection with one of my colleagues who was on a much higher level than me. i enjoyed the attention from him and my husband’s arms that grew cold pushed me straight to my new lover’s arms. the spark was so evident that some colleagues picked it up without us saying a word… the feelings were just too strong not to notice [we were madly in love]. before i gave in to the feeling, someone older than us had warned not to entertain our feelings; for someone will eventually get hurt in the end. as a principled woman, that made perfect sense–but i couldn’t ignore such feelings. we brushed everything off and went on with our affair–how great it was?! i drifted farther apart from my husband, and years went by, and the steamy affair developed into a passionate relationship. i fell pregnant in 2008 and at that point i was really fighting to end things between us, so that i could focus on rebuilding my marriage. but unfortunately i miscarried later on. things went back to square one (not that it had stopped in the 1st place), my true love and i continued because we couldn’t stay away in any event. towards the end of 2009, he moved away to pursue and advance his career. for once i thought that would bring closure to our unification, but guess what–the hearts grew even fonder and feelings became stronger. i visited him in his new dwelling but my husband, one time got suspicious. for some reason he caught a flight and followed me–he called me in the middle of the night asking where i was. i lied and told him that i was in some b&b… biggest mistake! he found the b&b and told me to come out as he was waiting outside. i refused and i switched my phone off. since then he never stopped investigating me; went through my itemised billing and by some luck he found this number that was dialed so frequently (more so around the time of my trips). that obviously turned out to an ugly outburst and we decided not to see each other for a while. yeah days went by and became weeks without contact. but i tell u it wasn’t long before we admitted that we couldn’t keep away from each other. so we continued where we left off. even now, he calls me at the office and e-mails me and we still sneak around when he’s in town. point is, i am still in love with this guy & i know he is too. as for my husband…….. i wouldn’t have cheated on him in the 1st place if i loved him completely. i am to this end frustrated in my marriage. i don’t love my husband, not the way i’m supposed and am capable to. i’m scared of divorcing him–though the word crops up when have big arguments. i think i’m lacking courage to up and leave, because i am certainly unhappy with him.

  59. Dee said:

    People are going to do what they want. My dear boyfriend of 19 years married someone else be-hined my back and thought is was okay. He said I’m sorry I’m a Man!!! WTF? I knew he was with someone, I felt it. When I asked him to help be end ours he lied and pleaded to believe I was the only one. 2 years passed and I slowly became the walking dead snooping trying to find out who and whalla!!! There they were pictures of her naked in my bed. She had e-mailed a picture of herself after the had sex. My heart fell to the floor. When I told him I knew. I wish he would of let me go with some support. 19 years is a long time to want to just give up when you think there might be a chance. So it drained me for two more years that I could have spent moving on. Don’t under estimate anyones ability to be cruel. It is best to stay to yourself and not to get too close to anyone.

  60. Dee said:

    Not to mention the woman he married. Can you imagine getting married to someone who is totally with someone else. That is not a marriage, that is a joke. He said I was drunk I didn’t know what I was doing it all just happened she forced me. This woman he married has a tiger by the tail and she is not getting bargain out of this guy in the long run. I was so worried that she might have an STD and he might have harmed my health. I wonder how she would feel to that the man she married made love to the woman he has been with for 19 years has taken care of bought houses cars, now that would be sad. I say better her than me right? Who the hell wants to walk down an isle with a man who just had intimate moments with someone else only hours before you took vows in front of G_d and a bunch of people. Then to go back to his girlfriend who he promised to marry if anyone and continue to tell her this, while he had married someone else. I found out through folks facebooks and saw the pictures. He told me he broke up with this woman and admitted to the affair. He called he the boat nigger and many other names and said he got rid of her. She and I both must be pretty dense. At least I found out and can start to heal. And if G_d wishes she will find out soon too! Better her than me.

  61. Dave said:

    I have been married for 13 years I am 38 spouse is 36, and over the past year our relationship has been getting rough arguing over petty things, my spouse will not help out around the house, or do anything like we use to.She is always making excuses as to why she can’t do something, mostly “I am tired” this does not just happen when i try for sex.We have to kids 4,6. Who i love more then anything.But i met someone who shares all of my interests, and just makes me the happiest person.She knows i am married and she is single. She does not want to be the one who is !@% the married guy,we have not had sex just some kissing. I stayed with he,r and in the morning while she was sleeping i couldn’t stop thinking about herand looking at her. We are good friends and we have talked about my situation. She wants me to try and work things out with my wife so the kids can have a mom and dad.I am not sure what to do.I don’t want to ruin our friendship and i have told her(FRIEND) that i want her to be happy.My friend said it is hard for her to purse something that she feels will never materialize into a relationship,I hate to say it but if kids were not involved i would leave my spouse for her.I am sure this sounds very shallow of me.
    NOT SURE????

  62. Shelley said:

    I have been married fo 10 years and have a child. I met someone unexpectedly a couple of years ago and a brief affair ensued. It started emotional and quickly turned physical. He is married with a child as well. We are both believers and both really struggled…we were miserable in the affair and miserable being apart. I have never felt such a feeling of unrest. Both spouses discovered the affair and all hell broke loose. Though we were both unhappy in our marriages, as we each approached divorce we realized this was not something we could do to our kids or based on our faith. Each of our spouses accepted us back respectively, though it has continued to be painful and tough work. Unfortunately, we have not been able to totally cut the cord. We talk periodically and both acknowledge the love we have and the desire to be together someday. I know that not choosing is cowardly and not fair to anyone. I am afraid of the shame of divorce, the damage it will do to my kids, and turning my back on God…yet I still have the desire to pursue love. My husband was miserable to live with in the past but is trying hard…but I just don’t know if I can get what I need from the marriage and if I can provide what he deserves. Why is life so hard?

  63. Kevin said:

    After being married 12 years, I never expected what was to transpire just a few months ago. I discoverd that my wife had found a high school classmate who she says had been her best friend for over 20 years, though she never had explained this friendship prior to our marriage. I found that they talk 3-5 hours a day and that everyday their conversation included more and more intimate details and relationship type discussions. (many things a married woman should never discuss with another man) At first she said that this was a platonic relationship and this guy was only encouraging her to remain in the marriage with me, though she told him she was not happy. Ultimately, she confesses that she has fallen in love with him, that he supports her in whatever decision she makes regarding our marriage, and that she doesn’t believe the damage to our relationship can be repaired. She now lists all the issues she has regarding our marriage, but would not express them when I insisted we try marital counseling when this indiscetion began. I think it is unfair to use these things as excuses when you remained silent and did not bring them up in counseling, when I could have addressed and worked on them. I am devistated and don’t want divorce, but can’t see that I have any options. She says she still loves me, but not “in love” with me. This is the most sorrow and pain I have ever felt. I encourage anyone, if you are sincere, communicate to spouse your dislikes, complaints, and problems as completely and honstly as possible. Don’t wait until you find another to love and then use them as excuses for your extramarital relationships. If you love, and married someone, don’t put them in this awkward position.

  64. NR said:

    I have been married for ten years together near 15 years. i have been faithful in my marriage until recently. I met a guy whom I fell for pretty quickly. He seemed to be everything I hoped to have in a man. i was miserable with my husband and only stick around for the kids we have. The other guy and I instantly clicked. The only thing that bothers me about him is that he doesnt have a clear direction in life. I told my husband everything and he still wants to work on our marriage. I really feel that its too late because my heart is not in it. I love the other guy so much and desire to be with him completely. I never imagined that I would have done something like this. I feel so guilty all of the time. Although my husband has had a few indiscretions himself I still tried to be faithful to him. I am going to get a separation and move on with my life. The other guy says that he loves me but he is a ladies man and i know deep down it wouldnt work out unless he did some serious changing. My decision is to let both of them go and focus on me. I feel so heart broken because I wish that the othe guy had stronger feelings like I do. IDK

  65. Kman said:

    I’ve noticed a somewhat distorted attitude about all this from a few of the women responders here. I’ve been married 25 years to a good woman and have 2 teen daughters. For the past 10 years or so, my wife has absolutely lost all interest in intimacy with me. (And don’t blame it on me!) We live in separate rooms. Kids have their rooms and I’m in the guest room. Home is basically a happy place for all of us. I’ve tried to live with the situation as long as I could, but found I was praying to have someone come into my life and take away my pain of “not gettin’ any”. I thought It’d never happen for me. Well, it happened a few months ago. I met an increadible woman. She’s married too and in the same situation. We spend every available moment together locked in embrace and making love. I’m so happy, but I’m not seeking divorce and leaving my home and kids. I love my kids. So, to any woman that thinks a man is a rotten dog for “cheating”, just remember that if you cut off a man’s love life, he WILL find another way. And don’t say “Why not just leave?”. That’s MY home and MY kids, so forget it! No more being victimized by a loveless wife. Seems that the one with the least “desire” in the marriage has all the power. Well, not no mo’. My life is my own now and I’m so happy. Message to all men who have been “cut off”: Find a good trusted woman to be your lover! You’re life will be wonderful.

  66. Betty said:

    Apparently I’m in exactly the same situation as Anonymous and Jayne. (Any updates in your lives, ladies??) It’s comforting and unsettling at the same time to realize how there’s nothing new under the sun when it comes to love & relationships, and how our human emotions will produce these patterns despite our better judgment.

    I’ve been married for 10 years, together for 13, with a man who possesses wonderful qualities of humor, intelligence, and commitment. He’s a fantastic dad to our young daughter. However, he’s been overweight for our whole relationship and hasn’t taken care of himself in general. He’s not strongly masculine in his core nature. I lost my physical attraction to him at least two years ago (which I told him about at the time, to no effect) and haven’t enjoyed kissing him for much longer than that. Our sexual relations started out very rocky and never rose above good for me (and I’ve had some super-intense experiences with others in my past). Well, about three months ago, I met a man with whom I had an instant spark. The feelings he raised in me shocked the hell out of me, as I hadn’t so much as looked at another guy for 13 years. I pursued a friendship with him (let’s call him K; divorced several years ago, no serious girlfriend) that also had this titillating sexual component. We soon confessed we felt attracted to each other, but by heavens, I was married and neither of us wanted to cross that line. But the attraction grew and I couldn’t deny that what I wanted was to pursue a sexual relationship with him. After about three weeks of tortured thoughts, unable to eat or sleep, I revealed my dire feelings about our lack of sexual connection to my husband, who was shocked into action in terms of going on a diet, wearing contacts, etc. We went into marriage counseling. But all of this didn’t change or erase my feelings for K; they actually grew stronger and I had to confess to my husband how specifically my attention was focused on K. My husband didn’t want me to leave him, so he gave me permission to sleep with K. to get the fling out of my system. Talk about a surreal experience for them to talk on the phone before I headed to K’s house the first time…! But experiencing sexual closeness with K. just reinforced my warm feelings, and it was killing my husband emotionally. So I cut it off with K. after just two encounters, in order to really give my husband a chance to restore passion between us. However, the feelings for K. persisted, coupled with new resentment that I had to give up yet another set of feelings in order to be with my husband. (A pattern of emotional repression on my part to husband’s perspective being a large component of my unhappiness in our marriage.) My husband saw this continuing conflict in me, and so now we are in a trial separation while I try to sort out my head and heart.

    I am gravely facing a choice that entails loss on either side. I’m not sure I can deny my feelings and go on with my husband for the rest of my life, always wondering “what if” and whether I couldn’t find greater happiness by pursuing an independent path. I truly don’t feel “in love” with my husband right now, despite the strong love we’ve shared since he’s been my best friend and life partner (and business partner! and father to my child!!) for all these years. I’m trying very hard not to frame my choice as “husband vs. K.” because I truly have no idea what future might lie with K, if any. So it’s “husband vs. be on my own” that I’m examining from all sides.

    I know that for the party on the other side (the married partner who’s still in love with his/her straying spouse), going through such a thing is a horrendously painful experience, as witnessed by various entries here and of course my own empathy for my husband. But those people should know that being the one torn in this way between two people is also an extremely painful experience. I never wanted to hurt anybody. What I fear most is that not following my heart now might hurt me and him even more over the course of our lives, especially if I cannot be wholly emotionally committed to my husband. I do feel grateful for what we’ve had together. If we do end our marriage, I am confident that we will both find happiness in some new form or other, and also that our daughter will adapt well to new circumstances. Life is change. We shall see….

  67. priscilla martinez said:

    Well my story is somewhat similar to everyone elses here… i have been married for 8 yrs, have 3 beautiful children, that i love more than anything in the world.. my husband is a good guy, but i am in love with someone else… it starts from back in high school which was 20 yrs ago, i had a boyfriend that i was so in love with we were together 3 yrs, and we were engaged to get married, he joined the military reserves, and came back to our hometown when he was done with all his training, he started to work for this company where he met a 27 yr old female, we were both in our 20’s, i guess she really must have rocked his world, he ended up leaving me for her. Although he was with her, he would still go back in forth between the two, i know i was dumb, but i so loved him he was my everything, Well needless to say he got her pregnant, and i knew then it was really over, i moved on, married someone else moved to another state.. i was away for 4 yrs, i would think about him every now and then. I ended up leaving my husband due to abuse and heartache came back home, i wanted to look up the ex boyfriend but was told he ended up marrying the woman he left me for and had another kid. I was single no kids mid 20’s decided to enjoy life, i met my husband that i am with now, we have been together almost 10 yrs, got pregnant 8 mos into our relationship, i was in my late 20’s and decided it was time to get married and be there for our child, well we ended up having 2 more kids… A few weeks after i had my last baby, i went to go watch my husband and a few family members play baseball, well needless to say my ex boyfriend was on the same team, when i saw him my heart just fell it had been 15 yrs since i last saw him or heard from him.. all these emotions just started up again, when he saw me, he just starred at me, i had enough guts to go up to him and say hi and he didnt know how to react.. i got his phone number from a family member and called him a few days later, and we talked for awhile. We started an affair shortly after, i could not help myself, even though i know it was wrong and i always told myself i would never ever cheat. There was something about him, i have wanted, he was my true love.. does that make sense to anyone.. when we started the affair 3 yrs ago, we told each other it was just sex.. but to me i iknew it was more.. Now here we are 3 yrs later finding anytime we can to meet each other, the sex is awesome. I love him so much, i always catch myself thinking about him. My husband and i dont really get along anymore same with his wife, but i have not had the courage to leave my husband, i keep hoping and praying he will leave me to make it easier. I dont want to hurt anyone, and i figured if he did it, it will be ok.. When i want to leave he threatens he is gonna keep the kids. My ex boyfriend the lover, says he is waiting for me to do it. Then he is pretty sure he is gonna leave her. We have tried several times to call it quits between us and stop til we are both single or divorced, but that feeling i get, its like i cant be without him, he says he regrets doing what he did to me back then, and says he owes it to me. He always says he loves me and i tell him the same.. i am just so confused, i know my ex is the person i want and the person that i will be happy with. why is it so hard to get out of a marriage without hurting anyone!

  68. DUH said:

    I have been with my husband since high school.. almost 9 years not and 8 months ago we got married. after fighting for 3 yrs cause of a drug addiction he had i stuck by him through coutnless stints in rehab and lies. and after he had been clean for almost a year now. I have come to realize he isnt the same man he was before all the drugs. the man that had passion for me and the man I fell in love with. so I saught out my best friend ( who also happened to be my very first boyfriend) for comfort and it brought back so many feelings. the passion was back. but not with my husband. Now my husband wats to spend time with me after ignoring me for months and all I can do is think about the man I really want to be with. I am only 26 years old. I am too young to be in a loveless marriage. an unhappy marriage. I dont as of right now know what I will do. I think I owe it to my husbadn and myself to try and make this work. but if I cannot, there is no shame in admitting we tried everything but we are not the same people we were in high school.

  69. Not telling you said:

    I have been with my GF for 6 years and things started going downhill for me in the last 2 years. She is not able to lose weight and never wants to dress up or look good but she is a really good girl and faithful one. She imagines us having kids and living together forever. I haven’t had the guts to tell her im not in love with her anymore scared that i will brake her heart. ( i know i am at fault for that) Recently i’ve started hanging out with a girl i’ve met at college during my senior year and i see her more than i see my GF now.. Saturday nights, lunches during days, talk on phone more and more. She is very attractive and has all the qualities that i wished my GF has and she is more into than i am into her. I see myself heading for trouble. I have not cheated on my GF yet but well i did make out with her. I feel terrible but it feels so right with her.

    I wished i never let myself get close to this girl now i feel like i am leading two girls on. There is my confession.

  70. ZoPi said:

    these posts have helped me not feel like such a terrible person and its nice to know that I am not alone on this!

    I have been confused and sad for nearly a year. I got married 2 years ago to my college boyfriend who is a great person. I do think he loves me too. Been together for about 8 years total. But I noticed things changed after we got married. He doesn’t seem interested in being intimate to the point where I feel dumb for even trying. When I talk to him, he cares and says he will make things right but he never does. We seem to be more like friends and merely roommates now. We have just grown apart in all aspects. I truly feel like I make the effort to make things better but it keeps coming back to this. And whats worse is that I started to resent him for not making the effort. I dont feel appreciated, loved, or wanted. I feel like your spouse should bring out the best in you and I do not believe he provides this anymore.

    About 9 months ago, I became very good friends with a coworker and we have realized we have a lot in common on a very weird level. Its almost like we are the same person. He makes me feel funny, confident, smart and well, amazing. I was NEVER looking for someone else but I cant ignore that there is something between us. We have not completely expressed our feelings towards each other but we both know whats going on… because its obvious. We have hinted though. We both sort of leave it alone simply bc of the fact that I am married.

    I have not cheated on my husband in anyway. I wont hurt him. I never thought I would ever experience something like this and I am CONFUSED, sad, embarrassed, feeling guilty and like a bad person. I am a mess of confusion. it has come to the point that I cant ignore it anymore. I cant ignore that I have feelings for this new person and I cant ignore that things with my husband are not working. I married him though so part of me feels like i need to make it work bc i made the commitment but the other part is wondering why I should live my life unhappy.

    What should I do? any advice is so greatly appreciated!

  71. ZoPi2 said:

    ZoPi2, we’re exactly on the same boat. I don’t know what to do too. But love is a choice and there is no excuse for cheating. Let’s keep that in mind before acting on something we might regret.

  72. ZoPi3 said:

    Wow, reading your post was like reading my mind. That is almost identical to what I experienced. However, about 7 weeks ago I started talking to my husband about the problems in our relationship and we decided to separate. During the separation I had time to think and I realised that the only reason I had “space” in my life to fall in love with someone else was because I was no longer in love with my husband. I made the most difficult and brave decision of my entire life and 5 year marriage and told my husband I want a divorce (i also confessed feelings for this other man).

    Its been a really awful process over the past few weeks but I have a lot of peace knowing that I have been true to myself. I realised that my decision was actually not based on this other man but on the reality of my marriage. Meeting him just made me realise how my marriage wasn’t fulfilling me.

    As for this other amazing man – I made it clear to him that I need some time to deal with my life but he is prepared to wait for me as he has deep feelings for me and I think we both know that we will be together at some stage in the future but I need to sort out my “stuff” before I can truly give myself to him in any meaningful way. Even if it doesnt work out with him I am still certain I have made the right decision about my marriage.

    Good luck with your decision.
    Its hard but honesty truly sets you free.

  73. ZoPi said:

    Thank you for the input. Good for you. Its good to be honest and do what makes you happy. That’s all that matters in the end. Even though its hard, nobody should have to be unhappy. You will figure everything out. At least the hardest part is out of the way. Good luck!

    How did your family take it? Thats another concern for me. My family is very close to my husband and I feel like even the idea of separation will break their hearts. Not that its based on them but still I cant help but feel bad. My family is close and something like this will really upset them.

    Im sorry. it must have been very tough to go through. Did you move out or did your husband? Do you guys still talk? At this point, I am still confused. I have talked to my husband but it hasn’t gotten any better. Probably worse actually. I guess the guilt is taking over and I’m embarrassed about this whole mess. :( I just feel like such a bad person.

  74. elizabieth said:

    I have fallen deeply in love with another man whom is married as well. This was not planned. All we can think about and talk about is actually being together. His wife found about about us because of a number of texts we have had. we never planned on leaving our spouses but we are now trying to figure out a way. Our spouses are good people, we dont fight with them but we have fallen out of love with them. This man is my soulmate, my best friend and we talk about everything together. He does not give his wife affection as he doesnt want to lead her on. This is what broke down his marriage to begin with . SHE showed him no love or affection and the sex was just sex with no passion or love. It is the same for me. MY issue is finances and i have three kids. two teens and a ten year old. And of course i dont want to hurt my husband. I have been married 20 years and he has been married 25 years. Our feelings for eachother are mutual. I want to be with the person i am in love with for the rest of my life. He makes half the money my husband does so I know i wont have what i would with my husband but money does not buy happiness. This man makes me happy and I know he is just as in love with me as i am with him. We don’t even have to say it (but we do all the time) because we can see it in eachother’s eyes.

  75. Sheridan said:

    I’m in love with a married man. His wife is a gold-digger and they have nothing – I repeat, nothing – in common. She married him and is sitting back waiting for him to die so she can inherit his fortune. He and I work in the same field and understand each other well. I have my own money and am not interested in his. I want to bring him joy, keep him young and make him laugh. Yet because this creature got to him “first”, she wears his ring and brings him misery. I believe in soulmates and let me ask you something: if something is yours and was always yours, but somebody else steals it and calls that getting there first, does that make what’s yours “theirs”? No; and frankly I wish the gold-digger would die. She thought he’d die first, and now she has an illness of her own.

    Serves her right. He’s my soulmate and she, in my opinion, is trying to thieve him from me. This will come back to her.

    Die already.

  76. michelle said:

    I am suppose to be getting married in August. It was kinda rushed into. We’ve been having problems the past few months. We broke up in sept. because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted.But then I realized that my man loves me a lot and would do anything for me…But. Now I’m having second thoughts. I met this other guy and now I dont look at my fiancee’ the same way. And not to mention I’m only 19 years old. I dont hang out with my friends. I dont go to the movies or go clubbing. And I hate it. I’m scared to mention this to my mother. Even though I tell her everything.
    :/
    Someone help me!

  77. Friend said:

    Michelle, it sounds like you already know the answer. Timing is everything, and this is not the right time for you. You’re young. Your emotions are in flux. You’re having second thoughts, aren’t sure, confused about the two guys.
    Give yourself the gift of time. If it’s meant to be, it’ll all work out in the end 2 years from now. Don’t just get carried along by life. Hang out with your friends. Build deep friendships. Be comfortable in who you are are and where you want to take your life.
    And you should tell your mother. You tell her everything, and this is something. You should not be afraid. There may be commotion in the short term, adjusting to the change, but you will feel better about yourself, and your mother eventually will respect you more as the responsible and independent person she raised you to be.
    Peace + Love

  78. becks said:

    Mmmm alot of reading above. Some I agree with also. Me, Been in Love twice in my love, and embarking in the 3rd time, so do I know its love?. Of course, Married with 3 children. Me, it is about being honest to myself and my Husband about where my thoughts are. LIKE most, he is a good man to his Children, to work comiitments, his home. Trouble is, we dont go out together cause of his drinking habits, he doesnt have alot of friends to socialise with, cause he cannot be bothered, SO great house and home, but empty from Love. So I ask myself, how did I fall in love, I guess because that part of my heart was empty, met a person that we actually yak and yak, no sex at this stage, black and white person, heavily involved with helping other people, just fallen for this person, and I know why, Some may say, I am trying to justify myself, but nah, I dont have to do that, I know that I live with the decisions that I make in the end. If I leave my marriage for this person, will I regret it? NO one can answer these questions for me, and life is one big gamble, so I am guessing, what makes me happy now, may always keep me happy or may be out the door in a years time. Pressure is hard when I need to get real with my husband, do the separation thing, see if time will change some of his habits, as for the last 3 years I have asked and asked him to look at his drinking, look at his participation, and has just fallen on deaf ears! he might for a day or a week, then it is back to normal. I want a life with someone to share the load, share the good social times together, laugh about the simple things in life, look to the future with plans and direction, thats what I want, and I know i have not got that with my husband!!! What too do>???

  79. James Brook said:

    I am 26ys old been with my husband since I graduated high school, we went to the same school, he was a grade under me but we never really had much to do with each other until my junior year when we became friends. After he graduated we went to college together and lived in a nice trailer park, after college move back about 30mls from home bought a small house and 38 acres loved it but wanted to move closer to home. So we now have a huge house with only 6.5 acres and have a wonderful 13 month old son. My life has been rocky but for the most part great. My husband is a great guy has his down falls like anyone else. I do love him very much, we have minor fights and disputes and usually work through them right away. We have fought more this last few months due to a number of things. I feel he is some what controlling and that bothers me. We hang out with the same friends and get a long with people good, I would say that we are a popular couple and all the time have friends and people telling us how great we are and how good we got it. We have become friends in the last year with someone who also went to the same school as us just a few years younger, and I was friends with his brother and cousin. At first getting to know him better I was like wow he’s talented and really smart. Then it was like I was obsessed with him, then I started to realize that I am in love with him even though I kept telling myself that I wasn’t. And it has just gotten stronger and worse like an addiction. I think about him all the time. We text on and off all day every day. We say good morning and good night to each other which I have never in my life ever felt like saying “good morning” to anyone and I’m not and never have been a morning person. Neither of us have thoroughly talked about our feelings for each other but have given clues. He is different in many ways from my husband even though there are a lot of characteristics they share. We have so much in common that my husband and I don’t. I have so many signs daily that point me to him and it just seems strange. Someone told me that I need to guard my heart from getting to close to another, she is a christian lady and I am christian I just am not as close with God right now as I should be although I am getting closer. I wanna do whats right and I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I don’t feel like leaving my husband but I am so in love with our friend it drives me crazy. He makes me smile all the time and is so good hearted. It’s so bad that I think of him while making love to my husband. I don’t want to down grade my husband cause things are not bad between us, It’s just all the minor things like being blamed or at fault for everything and the controlling part. One big thing that sets me aside all alone is that I am big into horses and animals and my husband is not, but this other guy loves cats and dogs but is afraid of horses. I feel like I need to turn to God. I just wish he could just tell me straight out how to deal with my problems. I sorta feel like I’m falling out of love and into it at the same time. I’m so confused and sad.

  80. heartbroken said:

    Dear James Brook,

    I am was in your husband’s shoes. The only difference between your life experience and my wife is that the guy she is deeply in love with, love her very much also. I was very very devasted and shocked when she told me that she love the guy so much that she’s leaving me and don’t have feeling for me anymore.
    My suggestion for you would be to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel about the other guy, and ask him what should you do. I know your husband is going to be very mad, shocked, and calling you names, but at least you have given him a chance. You two have been in love for years, he deserve this much from you as a loyal husband. Believe me, if you are going to leave him without giving your marriage a second chance, you will destory him, family members, and your reputation as a good person.

    Hope this help, if you are still confuse and need more suggestion, feel free to e-mail @ wnbawhatajoke@yahoo.com

  81. dont know said:

    I’m so confused right now I don’t know what to do? I have a wonderful husband he’s the love of my life. I’ve never wanted anyone else ever before! My husband is an extremely hard worker & a wonderful dad! He may not give me the evections that I think I need but he’s always been good to me! Me & My brother in-law have always had this connection we’ve often kiddy each other bout how We married the wrong people But nothings ever come from we often kidded bout it in front of my husband & his sister(my brother in law wife) but its always been a joke! Until now I’m sick over him. I’m ok when i no he’s home w/ her but tonight was different I’ve been ready to throw up al night Not excepting to hear from him again to night then all of a sudden he text me; what’s up? I almost started to cry ive never felt this way over anyone but my husband & we have been marred 8 years & dated 7 years before we got married! Don’t get me wrong I still love my Husband more than words can say I’m just so confused right now I’m spinning in circles! Help!!!*( not be published)

  82. elizabeth said:

    I knew I wasn’t the only person going through this and it is an eye opener to read all this. I like what heartbroken said about telling the husband what is going on because he is a loyal, deserving husband. It makes sense, but my husband is a very jealous person and I am very afraid of what he would do if I told him I was in love with someone else. My story is really no different than anyone else’s. I fell for a guy at work. I have been married for 22 years and we have three teenage children. We have had our problems, but I have no reason to even consider a divorce or telling my husband about my feelings for this man. The “other man” has gone to work somewhere else now, but we worked together for 10 years and we became very close. My problem is, I can’t stop thinking about him….I drive by his house twice a day…I don’t know why. I find myself wanting to call him or text him and even meet him out of town somewhere..he isn;t seeing anyone,( I would know)..He is a few years younger than me and is divorced with two children. We have always had a flirtation thing going, but in the weeks before he left the job where we both worked, it became more intense, maybe because we knew it was about to end? I don’t know…but it’s been three months and I can’t stop the feelings…I lay and cry because I don’t have him to brighten my day anymore…I feel guilty, but I want him. I want to touch him and I want him to hold me. I thought these feelings would go away, but I don’t think I’m even close. I don’t know what to do.

  83. heartbroken said:

    Dear Elizabeth,
    It has been two months or so since what happened between my x-wife and I. My heart has healed and I can finally think clearly to hopefully give you some good adivces. FIrst of all, you will need to find someone you can trust that will give you moral support everyday until you are over the other guy. No single advice or article(s) will help you stop thinking about this guy. When the heart want someone, it is really hard to stop the feeling. Second of all, you are absolutely right not to tell your husband. When my x-wife told me of the situation, my respect and cherish feelings for her just all of sudden disappeared. With your husband being the jealous type it could be very nasty. Third and most important advice, you can not text or call this guy and tell how you feel about him because it could actually make you want to cheat or divorce your husband. My x-wife occassionally missed her lover for the past years. When they met again just for a “friendly” chat , he told her that he been waiting for her all this years and at the moment her feeling for him was so strong that she decided to leave me and be with him. If you talk to this guy I don’t know if he will be a good person and tell you to go back to your husband, or if he will create more problems for you. What you should do is talk to your husband in a lover’s tone that he doesn’t raise any suspicion. You should ask him if he still love you, why does he still love you, and try to recall some good moments that you two have. Hopefully by talking to your husband he might be able to reignite your passion for him. If he doesn’t help, then you definitely need to talk to a close friend or someone that will help you get over this guy. As of right now, you have too much in your life to throw it all way just to keep your heart happy. I know it is hard to stop or forget this guy right now but you need to think about your children. What will they think of you and will happen to them if you act out on your feelings or get caught cheating.

  84. Sophia Ivalo said:

    I am falling for other man. A started a diary and you can follow it. Falling in love with some one while married to another is something that make me feel powerless. My husband is lovely, handsome, I love him and suddenly this happens to me. I didn’t ask for it! Why did this happen to me. Feeling totally different and loosing my identity. Oh God help me!

  85. Brenda said:

    I’m in Love with another man because my husband does not pay me any attention he never at home we never do anything together I am always by myself and I’m very lonely I have been married for 4 years and I”m not happy the man that I’m in Love with shows me more attention than my husband the man that I am in Love I knew hm before I knew my husband actually I quit him to marry my husband then I realze that I do not Love my husband but really Love this other man and now I do”t know what to do please help me

  86. x said:

    you’re all in this situation as you didn’t know how to behave and you will all do the same mistake again and again and again untill you’ll learn that a marriege will only work if you’ll talk about every problem. If you all would have tell your husbands the moment when someone was filtering with you. You wouldn’t be in this situation as you wuold have been talking with your husband and it wouldn’t be a secret anymore so, not being a secret you wouldn’t fantasize about it so much so you wouldn’t fell in love. Most of you will discover that you made a mistake and will want to goback to your husbands. Love is all about chemistry and physics, if you understand it you can control yourself and have a happy marriege with anyone .

    Good lock.
    sorry for typoos, I’m in a rush

  87. amajaveaux said:

    I’m reading all these post trying to get some answers into my situation. I’m 27 and have been married three years now(together 8). A little about us…we got together in july and in september fell pregnant…debated abortion but kept the baby and though not totally financially stable we had another so they would be close in age. Kids are now 7 & 5 and 3.5 years ago my husband got a job working on a freighter ship. He’s gone avg. 35 days and home avg. 19. The job does pay well and we now live in our dream home in a small town. lately him being away has made me feel very lonely. My husband has never been good with communication or affection…i have brought it up over the past 8 years how I need more from him and he promises things would change. he’s not a bad person…he works hard for his family…great dad…my family loves him! But he’s anti social and I’m the opposite…he’s not sexual…and i’m the opposite. Not much in common except our love for health and the outdoors. A cpl months ago I ran into an ex boyfriend from 13 years ago…we only dated a cpl weeks cuz he was messed up and not ready for a relationship…paths eventually separated but over the years crossed paths (worked at the same factory but different areas). When we seen eachother again at a stag(instant connection)…had too much to drink and slept together…over facebook he msged me saying he cldn’t stop thinking about me and we started to talk and txt alot….he admitted he watched me grow through facebook and has regretted giving me up and wanted to contact me a few times but chickened out. As this all happened my husband while on the bout was facebooking his ex who had approached him…he addmitted he did lead her on and entertained the thought bc he saw us growing apart but what to work on us. Last trip home hubby and I were rocky and b4 he left we breifly talked again where he started crying and we promised to work harder to make eachother happy…i tried to break it off with the other guy but lasted only a few day b4 we were txting like crazy again…he’s all I think about. this other guy and I have alot in common and he makes me so happy…my husband barely talks and is moody when he’s home. I’m still very attracted to my husband(mostly his body). If I didn’t have the kids and had to choose I think I would take the other man. I believe life is short and you only live life once so do I break it off with my hubby? He always said we shouldn’t be together if we were not totally happy just for the kids…I think I’m more lonely then anything and dream of this normal social life with this other guy…I have no life as the wife of a sailor:-( He has told me how alot of guys lose there wives on the boat and he’s afraid to lose me too…we are growing apart and I don’t know whether to get out mutually b4 things get worse and the kids get any older or hang on and live a lonely but content life? I

  88. pixie said:

    If you hate his ex try reading I HATE HIS EX by Alex Cooper. I had loads of problems with my fiance’s ex and I have now resolved them thanks to the advice in this book! You can get it on Amazon! Definitely worth a read! :)

  89. Chris said:

    The truth is Love is an action and lust is a feeling.
    Love is admitting to your spouse that you have a crush on someone else, love is giving
    your spouse the opportunity to meet whatever needs they are not meeting.

    What it requires is a maturity that few people have, a willingness to voice your needs and
    make sure your heard. Men have no idea what, “we need more passion” means. If your a
    wife and you don’t feel, appreciated, adored, like you’ve been able to live your own life. That
    is partly on you for not communicating what gives you those feelings.

    After 7 years of marriage, my now ex-wife “fell in love” with a 23 year old co-worker, lied to
    me about it, and I divorced her. Of course I still feel love for my wife, but my love for myself is greater and I know that a person that treats me like that no longer has a place in my heart.

    Everyone wants to pretend that “love” is this magical feeling that is instant and destined. Love is
    doing what you can to make each other better. It’s admitting to yourself and your spouse that
    of course there are other people in this world that are going to be attractive to you and will stir
    strong feelings. But love comes from devotion to each other and caring for each other.

    I wonder what happens to all of those who have left a spouse for “true love” 5-6 years down the road?

  90. peggy said:

    My heart is broken as i type my words in tears. I vowed not to love again until i met a great person who is now my ex, He showed me what love really means and brighten my idea about love. We met through a friend and since the very day he stepped foot into my apartment a whole lot of things changed, We both loved each other dearly, the love was reciprocal . I couldn’t do anything without him or without is consent, he was my everything; sometimes i try hiding my feeling and love from him just to get his attentions. unfortunately i had to move 14 hours away from him to further my education for our own benefits when the going was incredibly good but the love was still juicy and intact, late night talk on the phone, web cam on yahoo messenger we just couldn’t get enough of each other. First semester went by so quick and here comes second semester, the semester i regret up till date. Beginning of the semester was going smoothly until a new student walked in the class and was added the newest addition. We both ran into each other couple of times, said hi to me once and i ignored…lol “known as a snobbish girl” ok so i decided to talk to him one afternoon, asked about his grade after we took a test, he smiled and told me nope, met several times again this time we talked a bit and he flattered me a lot. He called me names i havent heard we got closer and this kept me away from my love. We talked and did things together. One afternoon he took me to the beech and asked me to close my eyes i did and he gave me a long lasting kiss which i did not resist. It was a sweet kiss and i loved it. I got home and i cried cos i knew i had cheated on the one i love, i couldnt stop thinking about it. I decided to stop the friendship with him to keep my relationship. Summer break came by quick, went home to my boyfriend the moment i saw him i shed tears inside knowing i cheated. i was woman enough to sit him down and told him, i told him dont deserve him he should let me go rather he insisted we going get through it. since then he developed a trust issue and accused of things i didnt do. the relationship trembled for months, we both tried to fix it but it didnt work out. early jan we told me its over and in march i saw his introduction picture on facebook.. I truly love him and it feels like part of me is gone.

  91. twisted said:

    ive been married for 4 years now and together for about 7ish years ive known him most of my life and was verry young when we married he was my first but not my last i was so young that he controlled me at first it was not at all then as time went by he slowley got worse and worse but i let it go cuz i loved him and needed him thing got better when we had our son and then he started working out of town all week witch left me and the baby at home alone i could barley leav or he would freek out even if it was his familys house but anyway i could only handel that for so long i started talking to an ex and he was great said he would help in any way no matter what i wanted to do well he was a lier my husbend found out i was talking to him and freeked out i left for 3 days and when i came back he found a way to get me back it lasted for a lil over a month but i felt so rong cuz i was thinking of my ex so i told him that , that i had to leaveso i did i was gone but the whole time i was gone he still controlled every thing i did like telling me where and when i can and cant have my son it broke my heart so much i move about an hour away and he would not let me have the baby for the frist week i could not be with out my baby it was to much i came back after 3 days and about 2 days after i got back to town he got me to come home agin and here we are 1 1/12 later and im feeling not loved any more at first things were great but not its like we fizzeled out and i dont like it i want that spark agin i need that spark but im so lost on what todo i think im falling for another guys i see and talk to him2 to 3 times a week and ive gotten to know hime a bit and i really cant stop thinging about him im not sure if he likes me but it seems like he dose by the ting he asked me but any time i look at him he is looking at me and it messes me up so bad but i cant stop thinking about him what do i do if he dose like me i dont know that i can help my self

  92. twisted said:

    some one help please i could use it ;{

  93. Jo said:

    So i have also been reading these blogs to see how similar my situation is. I have been married for 13 years and have a family. Started some counciling to see if i can clear my head……The affair started about 3 years ago and was based on a mutual agreement of just sex to fill the lack at home. (we r both similar, and seemed to be in marriages that dont have as much sex as we would like) Issue we have is we connect in everyway….we r very open with each other and have admitted how we both feel. However i also admit i am bisexual which i think also adds heat to our relationship….Currently living 2 lives and for the moment its my only choice. The counciling is good and is helping me look at my life, also reading a book called Virgina which associates the brain and virgina’s activities.

  94. Lost and Lonely said:

    I don’t even know where to begin with my story. I have been with my husband for 14 years and married for almost 12 of them. The marriage hasn’t been good for many years. There has been abuse, infedelity, addictions, and over all emotional abandonment for the past 8 years. Although I didn’t like to be in a situation such as that, I tried to hold it together for our children. Then one day, I just woke up. I wondered what was I really hanging on to. I had given it my all and gotten much less in return. I have been planning my escape for months…Then one day it happened, the cops came, out of the blue, and picked him up. My opportunity was finally a reality. I decided to move back to my home state and start to rebuild. But, before I moved, I decided I needed to make my feelings known about a man I have loved from afar, many years. We were friends, but never crossed any lines–but, there was always a mutual “thing” we both knew, yet never spoke about. I didn’t want to leave without trying; without getting what I truly wanted. I know it is wrong to be pining away after another man when married to another, but I was drawn to him, like no other before. It is truly unexplainable. I guess in all honesty, I was no longer my husband’s wife when he decided to get a girlfriend four years prior. I had plenty of time to heal, and move on. I was ready for happiness. So, although my ways of doing things was maybe a bit skewed, I have no regrets whatsoever. I am the happiest I have been in years. I didn’t leave my husband for another man, I left for me…the other man was just a catalyst, so to speak. I moved away three months ago and we have maintained a long distance relationship. We agreed we would not make any hasty future plans until my divorce is final. He is the best matched man I have ever encountered, and he says I am the best match for him–he’s been waiting for me to figure it out for 9 years. So, for those who want to judge, go ahead. I may be viewed as selfish, heartless, careless,maybe even cold…I don’t care. I feel I have done my time and I desrve to have some happy in my life. I deserve to have true love and I believe sometimes our choices in life partners don’t have to be forever, but they’re merely stepping stones towards obtaining what we were really meant for. Who knows? I just know in my case, I feel for this man more than I ever even considered possible for my husband.

  95. Samantha said:

    my husband began talking to other woman on the phone. i never knew or suapected it until a woman called while i was on his phone. after that things fell apart. we were haveing problems before this-no affection, i ask for a kiss he’ll say Can i get some water first? or i will be right back. so when i found out i said i wasnt going to sit here and b miserable while he gets his rocks off.
    so i started looking fof friends to talk to. I ending up meeting a man and fell in love. really didnt want but i couldnt help it.
    i kept going back and forth between him and my husband. my husband went crazy (literally) pulled knives out and everything and we completely seperated and i spent more time with the other man. when i found out my husband was actually planning on going to be with another woman, i got selfish and told the man i fell in love with that we needed to go our seperate ways to keep my husband here
    i made a mistake
    i am worried about what everyone thinks when it comes to me and i was afraid of losing reationhsips because of the other man
    the regret i feel is terrible
    i fell like this man is for me but the timing is wrong

    i have even filed for divorce
    now i cant get the man i fell in love with off my mind
    hoping he will respond
    :(

  96. Aliyah Lisa said:

    I fell in love with my bestfriend who is married one year in half.. I met him 7 years ago and then he left the country for continuing his studies. During that time I had a boyfriend for almost 3 years but we broke up after almost getting married. My bestfriend came during the time I need someone to hold me back, and he came at the right time although it was only just email and calls as he still lives abroad. Then he started to change a bit, and I’m assuming he was busy and I wasn’t really care because he was too far. Few months after that he told me he’s going back to my country and also getting married to someone else. All I could do is to pray for him. Things back to normal until we contacted each other and met up for casual lunch.. Since its been years, we had a good time and always met up as we have same interests.. I never thought slowly I actually had crushed on him , and yet I keep telling myself its not ok to like him since he is married.. But things change when he spoke with me about how i felt about him, who’s on my mind , and “us”. I couldn’t stop myself but slowly dragged and fell into him.. Every moment he kissed me is the same moment I felt gulity towards his wife, towards his baby, but its the same moment i feel he loved me. It was a mix feeling. All of that was almost over when we both stop seeing each other. I tried so many times to stop seeing him and forgetting him but I lost to myself. Everytime I saw his wife’s picture and this baby, I felt guilty and evil, deep down of my heart I seek forgiveness from his wife. I know I will walk away.. and I will.. Because I believe to love doesn’t mean you have to be with the person, you want to see them to be happy, you don’t want them to choose you by default, and more importantly you want to be someone’s first choice that he knew he loves you that he willing to sacrifices things to be with you.

  97. Torn said:

    PLEASE HELP Started dating my boyfriend when I was almost 18 (he was 23) and we moved in together right after I graduated highschool (after 4 months of dating). I go to school full time and he allows me not to work and just focus on school. I’m 23 now, its been 5 years. He is 28.

    I have loved him from the beginning. We have the best communication in the whole wide world and we understand each others thoughts and opinions very easily. When we were new in the relationship and living together we had sex all the time. Then, at first it was him not showing me affection. Then, somewhere along the line he started showing it to me. Around that time I realized I’m bisexual and want to try being with girls. I talk to him about it and he was like “thats cheating unless I’m there.” Never got a chance to hook up with a girl. Then anytime any guy shows me attention I start thinking “wow, it’s basically like I got married at 18 which I never planned on doing” and now I’m in this wonderful relationship and I truely believe he is my soul-mate but I want to have fun and explore other people. I felt like I wanted to be free to hook- up with other people and have fun for a while and asserted we were meant to be and we would end up together in the end.

    We broke up so I could explore other people and live “a college life”. I didn’t want to live with him while he supported me and I dated other people so I moved back in with my grandmother. Before long we realized that we needed each other because we are each others only (best) friends (part of the problem) (friends suck nowadays).

    So we decided we would just live as “roomates” and I could see other people but he didn’t want to. He was understanding about giving me time…It was like having an open-relationship but saying I was single and he could hook up with people too..I didn’t care (probablly tells you that I don’t love him right there bc I would prob be happy if he did so I wouldnt feel guilty). I’m basically living off of him while I have sex with whoever I wanted (he was my first and only till we broke up) I just wanted some excitement. I was tired of feeling like an old married couple. Everything I say about the realtionship he agrees..we don’t have a good sex life.

    We were like best friend roomates that still have sex occassionally. He loved me, I loved him, we weren’t “official” I had sex with a few people…strictly physical.

    Then I hung out with this guy. He had been a friend of mine before I met my boyfriend. Started out just physical and we got closer and closer. My partner would be my weekday boyfriend and the guy would be my weekend boyfriend. Every weekend I would leave and spend all weekend with this guy and it was so passionate.My “ex” let me do whatever but told me it hurt him. I told him everything I did and felt. He listened and it hurt but he is probably scared to kick me out because I really have nowhere to go and he is 28 (time to settle down).

    It’s not fair to him at all. It killed me when I developed feelings for this other guy. I was so sure that I really wanted to be with my “ex” and then this guy made me feel special and my “ex” no longer made me feel that way. Like I said, It was a one-sided relationship without calling it a relationship.
    Then the other guy hurt me. He is oppinionated and we argue. I cut him out of my life. Told my “ex” I wanted to work on being official then after a couple weeks decided I’m not dating or sleeping with anyone else now after the other guy so I’m ready to commit and stay with it.

    …5 days later after asking my ex to be official again, the other guy texts me saying he is sorry and misses me and my heart goes crazy and memories go back to all those special weekend nights. I feel I’m attracted to my boyfriend but I never initiate sex. I have so much passion with the other guy. He tells me I’m just scared to leave bc I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Me and the other guys relationship is new and spontaneous and exciting. Me and my boyfriend are boring.

    I’m 23. Whow knows what I want? My boyfriend is the best person ever and this other guy is arguementative BUT HE MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD. I’m in love with my boyfriend..I’d do anything for him but if I’m honest about it I have strong feelings for the other guy that my boyfriend never makes me feel. Maybe we are just meant to be best friends if I can’t shake this other guy. I know me and the other guy won’t work out bc we just don’t have the same opinions but sooo much passion. I can’t let it go that I don’t have that with my boyfriend who is wonderful and with this other guy who just doesn’t seem right for me.

    Honest about this with my boyfriend. We live together, now we are officially back together for 5 days and I’m still thinking about this other guy and wanting back that passion I felt that I dont get from my boyfriend.

  98. Just sharing said:

    I have been love with my male best friend for 25 years and he with me. Have been married to my husband for 17 years. They both know all about the other and know how much I love the other. I almost lost my bf during his 4th over seas term in the army. Nearly crushed me. My husband made sure that I was at the hospital that my bf was at in the states. Made it there before his mom did. My husband knows how much I love my bf and how much he loves me. My bf and I are ready to take it to the next level. We have loved each other for 25 years. We shared a bed many times growing up and never did anything. We shared a bed in my parents house while my children were there when his marriage was crumbling. We have never done anything but hug. We are both ready to be with each other intimately. My husband knows this and has encouraged he and I to do this. Problem is that we are 12 hours away..

  99. Struggling said:

    I have always been faithful with my wife but after a bad sexual experiance it was like a light switch. I suddenly realized I wasn’t happy. I thought it was all about sex and finally talked to my wife about the trouble I was having. I was completely honest with her but knew I hurt her. She was very mad and left me a very angry letter including calling a close friend of mine names who ironically wanted me to save my marriage.
    I wrote a letter in response and left for the night. I went back the next day and we had a civil discussion. She tried everything we discussed but I still wasn’t happy.
    I was attracted to another woman that showed me some attention. I didn’t want to be and tried very hard to be attracted to my wife. I even went to counseling. The problem was I knew what I should be doing, spending quality time with my wife, but I didn’t want to.
    My son got into trouble and ended up in jail. I swore I would never bail my kids out of jail and my wife knew this. She insisted I bail him out the next day so I did. After work that night I had a couple drinks and my nerves took over and I got very sick, like I had been bindge drinking or something. I ended up staying at my friends house but never called to let my wide know. When I woke up in the morning for about 30 seconds I didn’t realize I wasn’t home and felt better than I ever had before. Then reality quickly set in and I realized I wasn’t home and never called.
    Obviously my wife was mad and I used that argument as my reason to leave. I had known for a month or so that I needed to leave and was mad for returning after the first time.
    I have now been gone for about a month hoping I would miss my wife but I only miss my old routine. I have tons of guilt because my wife did nothing wrong, I just wasn’t happy.
    A simple conversation last night with a women I like has again made me not even want to try to save my marriage. My daughter recently turned 18 and I feel like I was just waiting for my kids to be adults. If that’s true then I’ve been living a lie for many years and that was so unfair to my wife.
    I want to feel for my wife what I feel when just spending time with this other person. I also have a great fear of being alone. I think this is why I’m delaying filing for devorce.
    I had never understood before how someone could fall out of love but it has happened to me and I still don’t want it too but can’t seem to stop it.
    I want my wife to hate me and ask for a divorce. The sad part is I know the women I like isn’t right for me and my wife is. I just hate not having any control of my feelings because I am a control freak.
    If anyone has suggestions I am all ears.

  100. Deviance said:

    So I have been in the same place as many on this thread.

    Been married for 1 year after having been together with my wife for 6 years. I have a good wife, that takes care of me and I know she loves me deeply. I made the mistake of allowing someone near me and began to find things that we both connected with.

    I think I was not ready to marry and have been with other people during the past years. We married for love but also so we could be together as she was from Europe. I feel horrible taking her form her home and bringing her to this place only to discover I was not perfectly happy with the relationship. I know that we could talk out things to come to a point for healing but she may never understand how I could stop loving her. I dont want to be the type to throw things in her face or at her, I know better than to blame her – I really need to accept the blame.The previous batch of people in my life were just roads bumps for sex and with this new person I find that I do not want to discard her as there is a connection I feel has a strong possibility to blossom. I am aware that like most affairs all these feelings are just fantasy and wont last for ‘years.’ I can actually find similarities between both women which is a bit uncanny IMO.

    For me, telling my wife I am not in love with her will destroy her emotionally. I dont wan to feel like a monster but know I have already let her down in the past. I do not deserve to be with my wife I truly think she will find and make a future better with another person. It is not fair to keep anyone who isn’t getting the full treatment of a relationship.

    We only live once, I can see issues with families and kids being paramount but in my situation we do not have children yet and nor do we seem to want any. I guess knowing that I spent the years with wife has made me feel olbligated to being with her. I know without me she will suffer extremely inside as much of my issues with her really have nothing to do with her, but instead of my feelings for the ther person.

    It’s hard looking past the new person in life and to reflect on your past relationship with the wife when you are working on two relationships. I think my wife deserves better as I know I have been unfaithfl in the past and likely will continue to do it cause I am not satisfied with the realtionship. I can likely give in and try to salvage the relatiobship but even I did I would still have to face my own demons.

    I love her, but dont feel in love with her. We could prolly stay together forever but how do we know who is right in the end?

  101. susan said:

    There are lots of blame here that ” How can you fall in love with someone else other than your spouse?” And some said it is a sin to do this.
    Well, these people probably have never loved before.
    It is not a choice to fall in love. It is a sudden or gradual feeling that can grab your heart all of sudden.
    It is certainly a choice what to do with it. It is painful to forget love and let go.
    Please offer more sympathy to this person than the husband. Because the suffering is severe and she has to work on it and bear the pain.

  102. Anonymous said:

    I miss my love so much but she is gone, gone.

  103. NAOMI said:

    I really don’t know what to do cause I know God made Adam and Eve but I’ve in too many relationship with men and all fell apart. So I became bisexual and now Im with a girl that I knew of her for several of years and just started dating in December of 2013 but she told me that she married waiting for her husband to get out of jail but she tells me she loves me but not in love with me. I’m in love with her and I feel more comfortable around her and every time I kiss her I can feel a great vibe or sparks form her… But I still don’t know what to do cause she stills writes to him but lately haven’t wrote him yet. I’m confuse, lost and my heart telling me to stay with her but my thoughts and mind is telling me to leave and let her wait for her husband….confused badly…

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