Domestic Diversions

How to save your marriage after an affair

The AP and Ithaca Journal discuss marriage after an affair, including the sacrifices required of each spouse to avoid divorce.

Melissa Kossler Dutton writes (excerpt):
Repairing a relationship requires openness and candor from the person who cheated.
“He has to admit that he made a mistake and recognize the hurt of betrayal and say I want to be faithful,” says author John Gray, who examines relationship problems in his latest book “Why Mars and Venus Collide” (HarperCollins, 2008). The person who cheated needs to end the affair and take responsibility, he said.

The adulterer must be willing to disclose all the details of his affair and agree to new degrees of openness, says Rick Reynolds, founder of the Affair Recovery Center in Austin, Texas.
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It’s not always just the spouse who committed the transgression who has to change after an affair if a marriage is to recover.

Often it’s difficult for the betrayed party to consider what he or she could have done that may have helped lead to the affair, says Meg Haycraft, a Chicago couples specialist who founded a practice called TWOgether. That’s not to say that someone can blame their partner for an affair, she added.
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[Reynolds] counsels the spouse who cheated to answer any question his or her partner has. But he also sets a date when the questioning must end.

Reynolds also warns the other spouse to be careful when asking for details.


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