Domestic Diversions

Dr. Deborah Hecker provides these suggestions for understanding and meeting the needs of their children:
The “best interests of the children” does not mean the immediate gratification of the client and his/her need for me-me-me. Over and over again, the focus should be pro-child and centered on building a safety net for the children.
Children must be kept out of the middle – not just during the divorce proceedings but every day, no matter, how old the child, how challenging the circumstance, or how much the soon-to-be former spouse is despised.
Parents must learn to put aside their stresses, to compartmentalize their adult conflicts and to remain present and available to the children.
Raising a healthy child is a team sport that requires active contribution and collaboration from both parents. Success or failure depends largely on the cooperation, communication and coordination of mother and father.
Some of the emotional hurdles that clients have to overcome include; unresolved grief over the failed marriage, resentment and competitiveness, and territoriality over the children.
Children are not unaware of their surroundings. They easily pick up on their parents’ expressions and actions, often more so than their words. It is natural for parents to not want their children to feel bad. However, children feeling badly is not a bad thing. Dismissing children’s feelings is dangerous.
Parents need to reassure their children early on and often that the divorce is not their fault.
Arguing with one’s former spouse or criticizing them in front of the children is never acceptable.
Children should never be forced to take sides in any dispute between their parents.
Let children be children. It is easy, but wrong, to make adolescent or adult children confidants in dealing with parents’ recovery and fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns, they rarely are.