Domestic Diversions

Tom is a successful trial lawyer, yet reports not being able to cry when his child died of sudden infant death syndrome. Kurt recollects being the star linebacker for his State Champion football team in high school, decorated solder in Viet Nam, yet he was recently arrested for domestic violence toward his wife. Stan provides his family with food, clothing and shelter, but remains emotionally disconnected and periodically emotionally and physically abusive toward his family. Roger is a handsome and well-mannered accountant who finds he compulsively using pornography, and massage parlors in the evenings after work. Dale knows the final batting averages of all the baseball players of the1968 World Champion Detroit Tigers, but forgets his family member’s birthdays. John has a history of anger, irritability, and aggression, yet when asked what’s wrong, he responds, “I don’t want to talk about it”.

Men die on the average of 10 years earlier than women (Pollock). Between the ages of 15 and 24, men die at three times the rate of women (Cleary, 1987). There are higher death rates in men by homicide, suicide, and accidents. Waldron and Johnson (1976) showed that men’s death rate from lung cancer is nearly six times that of women, and twice as high from cirrhosis of the liver. In terms of mental health issues, men tend to have “externalizing disorders”, in that they have a propensity to “act out” their pain, confusion and hurt, rather than become depressed, anxious or scared. Men largely are responsible for perpetrating sexual abuse and domestic violence. Men largely make up other acting out disorders such as sexual disorders, addictions, violence, and poor anger management. We hear of social problems such as male violence, the “dead beat dad”,

Sexual harassment and infidelity. Women in intimate relationships with some men complain about poor communication, insensitivity, emotional detachment, and overall lack of intimacy. Children want dad to be more involved emotionally, rather than just being the protector and provider of the family. Young males are shooting their classmates at school, and murdering other males for being gay.

Were these men born that way? Folklore tells us that boys are made of “snips and snails, and puppy dog tails”. We’ve heard that “boys will be boys”, because of their “biological makeup”, possessed with large doses of testosterone, making them more aggressive, active, and strong. Psychological and Medical research has shown that nature and nurture is interactive. In other words, individuals have biological proclivities due to heredity and the evolutionary process. However, how we raise individuals also affects their biology and psychology. Goldman in his book “Emotional Intelligence” discusses how E.Q. can be cultivated by how children are raised and is a good predictor of success in life. Accordingly, the socialization or training of males effects brain structure and chemistry, as well as the psychology of men.

What do all of the above men have in common, one might ask? They all suffer from dysfunctional masculinity, defined clinically by Frank Pittman, M.D as “masculipathic” men. Kuper indicates that these men suffer from “arrhythmicity”, that is-through their male training, they lost the range of emotions that creates rhythm. These men are typically stoic, emotionally detached individuals who emphasize toughness, dominance, competition, and physical prowess. They lack development in their emotionality, therefore are left only with thoughts and behaviors to function. When one looks at the historical role of men in society, an appreciation can be gained for this sort of masculinity.

Robert Pasick suggests that men were raised historically to be protectors, providers, and impregnators. During primitive society fundamentals of the nature of women and men dictated social roles. Women had breasts, therefore they stayed home and nourished the children, while men with muscles went out and hunted for food. These men exercised and cultivated their killing instincts while being cast as the warrior as well. Men have been sent to war to protect family and countries, and continue to be seen as protectors of women and children. The industrial revolution caused men to leave their agrarian lifestyles and seek work in factories. Men needed women for her role of domestication as well as procreation, hence the training of the sexual conquistador. These roles evolved and became a part of our social fabric in that men played sports, climbed corporate ladders, picked up women, drove fast cars, and defended their manhood. Even Christianity and religion were affected by these societal factors. The famous theologian Paul Tillich makes the statement “our theology is no better than our biology”, suggesting that as we learn about god’s creation, we understand scripture differently, hence the current debate over women in church and the “headship” of men.

If men have had specific roles to play in society, then the training and socializing of boys to become men will reflect this. Kivel, Pollack, and Pasick all speak to this socialization in their books. As outlined in Kivel’s “Man in the Box”, and Pasick’s “Ten Central Mandates of Manhood”, men are raised to be tough, competitive, fearless, powerful, and in control. Parents and society pursue this training at infancy. Rigid male training is as follows. We select “bold” colors for the nursery, not “soft” ones. Research has shown that male infants are cooed to less, and bounced more than females. Research demonstrates that male infants are as expressive and emotional as females; however, the training to suppress that begins early. Boys are punished more physically and harshly by parents, at the same time are told, “stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”. When boys hurt themselves physically or emotionally, resulting in crying, they are more likely to be shamed for their sad feelings, looked in the eye, while parents problem-solve or try to fix or minimize the instigator of the tears. Males typically remember the statements “rub it off”, “take it like a man”, and “you’re all right, stop your crying”. This male training continues; at around the age of 4 or 5, males remember being kicked off their parents’ lap to make them independent. If fact, males are encouraged and at times required to break away prematurely from the emotional nurturing of mother, and gravitate toward the “man’s world”. The male is given balls, trucks, guns, action figures, and legos. He is encouraged to wrestle, climb trees, take risks and conquer his world.

Males are shamed for displaying any characteristics that are outside these limited definitions of masculinity. They are called names such as sissy, fag, mama’s boy, wimp, etc. when “unmasculine” characteristics are shown, such as crying, fear, and sensitivity. Essentially, males learn that masculinity is defined and demonstrated by turning away from anything associated with femininity and homosexuality. Males will defend the male code by fighting to prove toughness, engage in high-risk behaviors to show “no fear”, and seek sexual conquests to confirm their heterosexuality and sexual prowess. This socialization may prepare males for limited roles and abilities in society as noted in the aforementioned men’s lives, however the training creates “male problems” as well. Unfortunately, males end up sacrificing half of their humanity to reach the pinnacle of masculinity.