Domestic Diversions

There are Christmas Lightsaholics in this world. We need to have a 12-step approach for helping these folks out. Here are 12 steps adapted from the wisdom of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over Christmas Lights – that our lives had become unmanageable.

We believed in the past that our fledgling logic about Christmas lights gave us power. We thought we knew a lot about the flow of electricity in Christmas lights.

We thought that if the first light doesn’t work then the rest wouldn’t. Then there was that year when the middle lights of the string worked and you couldn’t get the rest to.

We thought that if the 1st strand of lights were defective then all subsequent strings wouldn’t work. Then there was the time that the middle string worked while the rest didn’t.

We thought that the new string of lights would work while the discarded strings of lights in the basement saved for spare bulbs and fuses won’t work. Then after frustration in not getting the new sting to work, you headed for the basement to the spare strings of lights only to discover that that string from last year that didn’t work, now works this year.

We thought that carefully storing away functional lights after New Years would work the following year short of your basement flooding during the summer. Yet, after painstakingly putting these same strings on the tree after making sure they worked prior to stringing, end up not working once on the tree.

We resolved to be finished with putting enough lights outside, enough is enough. Then this year we put just one more string around that flower box below the picture window, isn’t it cute, but no more next year…

We proceeded to string the 13-foot pine tree outside with the lights and extension cords of last year, why not, the set-up worked last year. We found that we don’t have enough lights, trees grow you know. We went to the store for more lights, strung them, plugged in and it doesn’t work. We had a theory, we blew the fuses, so we got the neighbors ladder again, to replace all fuses in each string, plug in and it still doesn’t work. We theorize that we had too many lights in one outlet, we tried to separate the tree lights into two outlets, not enough extension cords, back to the store. We plugged in the new extension cords and only half of the tree now works, maybe the fuses need to be replaced again. Instead, we torched the damn tree while singing “Ol Christimas Tree, Ol Christmas Tree, how flammable our your branches�.

We came to the conclusion that Christmas lights are essentially disposable after putting the lights up this year, swearing that we would throw them away and get all new ones for next year. Well, they all worked when we took them down, so they should work next year, right. Why throw something away that works, let’s keep them.

Yes, we truly are powerless over Christmas tree lights. We do not control the lights, they control us.

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Yes, some higher power is in charge of these lights and our behavior, because we’re not. Hell, we’ve tried and tried to make sense of these things. Our own betrayals of commitments made and commitments dashed like a drunk Santa on an icy high pitched roof after a long night of drinking and sledding have finally run their course. Yes, we have hit our rock bottom.

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him, her or it.

To not turn our will over, is to remain in a state of powerlessness, confusion and agony with no way out. Certainly there is a higher power and logic to all of this that we can tap into. To think we can control or have power over Christmas lights is synonymous to Judges thinking they have power over Saddam Hussein’s behavior in court or George W thinking he has power over the English language.

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Yes, we must admit to our foibles and dirty secrets. We have spent countless hours replacing every damn one of the lights on the string. We even have gone as far as pulling a single light out of its green socket attempting to replace it with a new light. No, no, the green sockets aren’t universal, so we have to find the right one, and we eventually did after more hours digging through the spare lights. And remember the times we set out to have a joyful and satisfying night with family, decorating the home for the holidays. Well, the kids learned some new swear word conjugations after the new lights from Target didn’t work.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

We are only as sick as our secrets, so no Silent Night here, rather Hark the Herald Angels will sing. If we don’t talk about this with others we will live in shame, believing that only we suffer from this malady. The disclosures will cleanse our soul, and deck our halls with validation.

Step 6: We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of our character.

Our God knows about defects, hell, he forgave the 3 wisemen for bringing the gifts of gold, frankincense, and Myrrh to an infant. Yes, that God back then must have been male, a female God wouldn’t have been so worried about providing a 1st century GPS, a star for direction. She would had been more concerned about some food, even a fruitcake would have been better than frankincense. And how about getting this holy family out of a fricken barn and into someone’s warm home?

Step 7: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

We don’t humbly ask for an exchange of lights at Wal Mart, we ask our higher power to help us let go of our obsession to light up the neighborhood. It does take humility because we certainly were quite grandiose thinking that a full-scale lighted gingerbread house was going to put all who see in the spirit of Christmas. It just put the curious passerby in the ditch while trying to snatch a look, while turning your light meter into a circular saw.

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

We know that little Jill not only saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, but Daddy drop kicking the lighted Santa after it kept blinking off and on. We spent the whole weekend on a Christmas Lights decorating binge while neglecting important relationships. We spent more money on lights, but stiffed the Salvation Army bell ringer. We lied to store clerks about what really happened to those lights that don’t work.

Yes, we need to be honest about all who have been harmed by our compulsive behaviors.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

It probably isn’t a good idea to tell our partners that their lighted Christmas balls hanging on the crab apple tree outside were really stupid. They have to come to terms with their own issues; we need to focus on ours.

We do, however, need to apologize to our neighbor for lighting up their bedroom throughout the night by lighting up the 25-foot pine tree on the border of our property.

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

This is an ongoing journey, not an event. We can’t simply throw our spare lights away, and think we’re cured. It takes a yearly renewal. The advertisements next year will certainly trigger old feelings and thoughts requiring thoughtful relapse prevention planning.

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the lights I cannot change;
courage to change the lights I can;
and wisdom to know the difference between blinking and non-blinking lights.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps; we tried to carry this message to Christmas Lightsaholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

When your neighbor comes over to borrow your ladder this year, take this opportunity to share your journey. He may ask about your sparse decorations this year, don’t go into shame, simply share the new found freedom you’ve discovered in letting go of your false power over lights. You now have time to do other more constructive things during the 12 days of Christmas, such as shoot the damn partridge out of the pear tree, what was she thinking with that gift?