Written on
October 22, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
USAToday shares some of Uma Thurman’s reflection on motherhood and “Motherhood,” including struggling to balance home and work lives, and being caught outside in her nightgown.
Olivia Barker writes (excerpt):
So, then, what does motherhood mean to her?
“It’s an invitation to love. It’s the most expansive, loving experience I have ever had … humbling, beautiful” — nightgown-as-streetwear and all.
Posted in Families/Children, Relationships, Something Different 
No Comments »
Written on
October 9, 2009
by
Randy Flood
I am alarmed that we’ve heard very little outrage at the normalization of an adult woman having sex with an adolescent boy as seen in the academy award winning movie The Reader. This lack of anger speaks to the gender constructed sexuality in our culture. For adolescent boys, it is considered titillating and complimentary to be seduced by an older woman. It is presented as every boy’s fantasy, right? The adult woman initiating such sex with the adolescent boy is often dismissed or minimized. She is construed as hyper-sexual: desiring the “sexual prowess” of a young male or the socially awkward adult man who needs some practice, or perhaps she’s even a gratuitous sexual mentor who altruistically imparts sexual wisdom to the neophyte. In the movie The Reader she is portrayed as a benevolent, lonely woman seeking connection, closeness and intimacy with this young lad. As it turns out, she is illiterate. He is literate and educated, a good reader. He is emotionally illiterate and vulnerable, horny and sexually inexperienced, she is older, more powerful, wise, and sexually experienced. Hmmm… a perfect match. It all seems so acceptable, perhaps romantic, a unique and endearing love story.
Because of our gender constructed views on sexuality, what isn’t being discussed is the toll this sexual experience has on the young lad. We saw glimpses of this hurt and sadness after he was temporarily rejected by his adult lover, while he anxiously waited for her acceptance of him again. We saw how he became estranged from his same-age peers as he became more and more preoccupied with his sexual relationship, thus relegating swimming and other fun adolescent activity for clandestine afternoon sexual escapades. After her sudden departure and abandonment, he later discovers her again when he is in law school. He painfully sits through her trial as a law student emotionally agonized and alone, never letting his classmates or professors inside his emotional armor. Finally, we view him later in life experiencing a divorce for being emotionally closed off, aloof, preoccupied, and pained. Glimpses into the seismic impact were subtle, ancillary, and not part of the national commentary on this movie.
Imagine the outrage and discussion if the gender roles were reversed with an adult male and female adolescent. Most likely, the discussion would have focused on the inappropriateness of this sexual arrangement, the inherent power differential, statutory rape concerns, the manipulative and offensive predation of the adult male, and the insidious negative impact on the adolescent female. In fact, given the astute eye of the pro-feminist constituents, such a movie may well have failed in its popularity, as it should. The Reader didn’t even come close to failing. In fact, the female perpetrator won an Academy Award for best female actress. The acting was incredible and poignant.
This illustrates that we have a long way to go in our society. It will be a good day when we can understand the emotionality and vulnerability behind male sexuality and adolescent posturing. These young boys, despite their emerging sexual energy, need to be respected and protected just as we protect female adolescents. Even though male socialization has tried to remove emotional vulnerability from males, they remain vulnerable underneath the tough guise. Just because some boys want to drive cars fast, binge on alcohol, and skip school at age 15, we as a society do not allow or condone it. Just because some men want to exploit adolescent girls sexually, we work to protect them. As adults, we strive to provide a safe and healthy environment for our children as they aren’t old or mature enough to do so for themselves.
In real life, we have laws and policies to protect girls and boys. Our cultural ethos on gendered sexuality doesn’t serve to support such laws equally.
Normalizing the female sexual perpetration of adolescent boys in the cinema isn’t working toward creating a healthy and safe social environment, anymore than going to Hooters for a “good meal” does.
I am outraged at the sexual theme in The Reader, I hope you are too.
Posted in Families/Children 1 Comment »
Written on
October 9, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABA’s McElhaney on Litigation suggests replacing chronology with groups of vivid word pictures.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
http://www.abajournal.com/magazine/give_chronology_a_timeout
McElhaney on Litigation
“. . . Tell them the story. . . . [P]ut together a series of verbal snapshots that you create out of the evidence. . . .
“Then show them word pictures again in your case-in-chief . . . . [U]se the witnesses and your exhibits to paint the pictures. . . .”
****
“After you’ve decided what goes in each of your pictures,” said Angus, “decide on the order in which you’re going to show them to the jury, with three questions in mind: First, what order makes it easiest to understand the story? Second, what order makes the moral imperative come alive so that the jury decides your client is the victim of a serious injustice? Third, what order puts the focus of judgment on the other party?”
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy 2 Comments »
Written on
October 7, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABA Book Briefs Blog features a divorce mediation excerpt from the book “Collaborative Law: Achieving Effective Resolution in Divorce without Litigation,” Second Edition by Pauline H. Tesler (excerpt):
If a collaborative case runs into problems, a “meta-mediator” can help everyone get through the challenging phase. Sometimes a “perfect storm” of challenging clients and challenging issues can stall a collaborative negotiation. If a mediator who understands the collaborative process is brought in to bear responsibility for managing the negotiating session, the lawyers can be free to work more intensively with their respective clients. And a third conflict-resolution professional in the room can sometimes help undo logjams in creative problem solving.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR No Comments »
Written on
September 29, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Richard Forrest Gould-Saltman posted a summary of how a non-custodial parent can maximize parenting time. The summary was written with California in mind, but many of the principles are equally applicable across the country.
Mr. Gould-Saltman writes:
The things you need to do to maximize your success as a parent with custodial time, and the chances that a court will expand your custodial time in the future
Step 1: Exercise all your time, plus more
If you go to court for a review of your custodial situation, the Court will be more interested in what the parents actually are doing, than in what any prior court orders say they should be doing. Use all your custodial time that you are financially and physically able to use. If you can accommodate the other parent’s scheduling by offering to have the child(ren) with you, more than the order says you “must”, do it. This is not “baby-sitting”, it is spending time with your kids.
Step 2: Exercise your rights (and responsibilities) beyond the time-share: Education
There is more to parenting than whose house your child sleeps at, on which nights of the week: Request scheduling information about all your child’s school functions, and attend them whenever possible. Whether or not the other parent provides you with copies, take independent steps to arrange with your children’s school to receive scheduling information, report cards, etc. If you receive any of this information, and have any reason to think the other parent did not, send a copy. Know your kids’ teachers. Make sure that your kids’ teachers, and school personnel, know you. Make sure you are on all parental notification, and emergency notification cards. Keep your notification information on those records absolutely current. If your child is having any sort of trouble in school, find out from the school (not just from your child or the other parent) what is going on, why it is happening, and what can, or must, be done to fix it. Then, as much as you can, do it.
Step 3: Exercise your rights (and responsibilities) beyond the time-share: Health Care
When (not if) your child needs health care, find out what is going on, whether it is a regular dental check up or physical exam, the treatment of a cold or earache, or an ongoing course of treatment for a serious chronic condition. There is no better way to stay informed than to take your child to the doctor yourself. If you can’t, ask the other parent regularly for information. If you have any questions or concerns, discuss them directly with the health care provider. The other parent is not your best source of this information; your child is an even poorer one. “Health care” does not just mean your child’s doctor. It includes the dentist, the orthodontist, the chiropractor, and any psychotherapist or counselor. Know who is paying for health care, who’s carrying the insurance, and who is entitled to reimbursement. If it’s you, ask for it promptly. Keep records.
Step 4: Decision-making: use it or lose it
Even if you do not have joint legal custody, under California law you are entitled to information about your child’s education and health. As a joint legal custodian, you have both a right and a responsibility to keep informed about, and to be involved in, decision-making. If you don’t participate in decision-making, the Court may conclude that you have no further interest in having a hand in decision-making
Step 5: BE APPROPRIATE: Behave, in all of your interaction with the other parent, as if everyone was watching you; they are.
Assume that at some point in the future the Court, and any Court evaluator, will consider both the content and tone of your communication with the other parent, and the other parent’s new spouse or significant other. Not only shouldn’t you use your child as a telephone (“Tell your mother you can’t spend the whole weekend next weekend….”) you shouldn’t use your child as a mail-carrier.
Step 6: BE POLITE: Behave, in all of your interaction with the other parent, as if everyone was watching you; they are.
Send nothing to the other parent you wouldn’t want the judge to read now, or that you wouldn’t want your children to read, twenty years from now. Even if the other parent is acting like a jerk, don’t act that way. If scheduling changes need to be made, give more notice than the minimum amount required, whenever it is possible. If you are running late, even a little bit, call. If you need to make or change your child’s logistic arrangements (different clothing, school books and materials, sports gear, etc.) communicate with the other parent the need for those arrangements, IN ADVANCE. Confirm your communication with the other parent by short, polite notes or emails . Do NOT include any discussion of the other issues of the case, or of why the relationship failed, blame for any past events, etc. These notes should be the bare MINIMUM number of words necessary to convey the information, plus plus “Please”, “Thank you”, and “You’re Welcome”
Step 7: Your children are not the litigants; don’t treat them that way
It is appropriate to discuss resolution of your case with the other parent, or between the attorneys. Children, however, are not litigants. They have no obligation to settle their parents’ cases. They should not be burdened with any discussion of the financial aspects of the case, ever. Your children have no obligation to tell you their preferences regarding custodial arrangements. They do not even have an obligation to have such a preference. Your children should not be obliged or expected to decide their own custody arrangements, although you should consider their wishes.
Step 8: Remember: this is your custody case, not everyone else’s.
Unless there is no appropriate way to communicate directly with the other parent, don’t use anyone else as a messenger. Your relatives, your new spouse or significant other, the other parent’s relatives, your friends (mutual or otherwise) and your child’s friends are not obliged to take sides, or act as tie-breakers. Don’t ask them to. Don’t expect them to.
Posted in Families/Children 2 Comments »
Written on
September 26, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and O, The Oprah Magazine explain that research confirms men and women experience the same relationship very differently and that patience and humor can work better than more of the same.
Gretchen Reynolds writes (excerpt):
“It’s quite possible that he can’t respond in any other way. Our conflict styles develop over a lifetime.” So don’t raise your voice and demand that he continue engaging in that persistent fight about money or housework or friendships or sex (topics that recur constantly in Diamond’s work). Let him withdraw.
Then, when you’re calmer, go after him with a smile.
“Humor is very important in defusing tension,” Diamond says.
Posted in Relationships 1 Comment »
Written on
September 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Brides magazine summarizes five rules for getting and keeping a great marriage. Then it adds a few words about having plenty of sex.
Lexi Dwyer writes (excerpt):
1. Do things together. . . .
2. But also do things separately. . . .
3. Don’t diss. . . .
4. Maintain a united front. . . .
5. Fight fairly. . . .
Sexual healing
Why a roll in the hay will keep your relationship healthy:
1. You’ll feel closer. . . .
2. You’ll talk better. . . .
3. You’ll gain confidence. . . .
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
Written on
September 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
PowerHomeBiz.com reveals 5 powerful and persuasive moves for getting through a person’s mental defenses based on the work of Mark Goulston, the author of JUST LISTEN. The 5 tips include:
“Do you really believe that?”
The Power of Hmmm . . .
The Stipulation Game
The Impossible Question. [“What would make it possible?”]
The Power Thank You. [1: a specific Thank You; 2: an Acknowledgment of the personal effort; and 3: a personal statement of how the act affected you. ]
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
September 15, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The New York Times summarizes the research showing how TV guru Phil McGraw and Supernanny Jo Frost have it all wrong: using “I Love You” to control behavior harms children.
Alfie Kohn writes (excerpt):
In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.
The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.
Posted in Families/Children, Something Different No Comments »
Written on
August 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Traverse City Record-Eagle introduces the concept of the gentler divorce through Collaborative Divorce to our neighbors to the north.
Vanessa McCray writes (excerpt):
But feelings and the family’s future are not to be overlooked. Divorce is a “devastating and emotionally intense time, even if you’ve chosen to use this model,” she said. Franseen acts as a divorce coach who instructs the couple on how to “manage their emotions” so that important decisions can be made. That’s a difficult task for a pair who wants to part.
“Communication skills are a big one, and that is tricky,” she said. “Probably, if a couple had really good communication skills in the first place, then they might not be getting divorced.”
Crafting a settlement together can prevent later disagreements over terms such as a child’s health care or parenting time, experts said. The collaborative method emphasizes that “the family isn’t a failure” and that the divorced couple can still co-parent “as a success,” said psychologist and child expert Ann Marie Love of Traverse City. Her role can be to advocate for the child, help resolve disputes and advise on how to transition from married to single life.
Posted in Collaborative Divorce, Mediation/ADR 3 Comments »
Written on
August 18, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Real Simple explains how to get your brain to operate more efficiently.
Jonah Lehrer lists 10 ways to improve your thinking (excerpt):
1. Tap your emotions.
2. Don’t think under pressure.
3. Consider alternative points of view.
4. Challenge your preferences.
5. Take long showers.
6. Be skeptical of your memories.
7. Don’t expect to diet and finish the crossword.
8. Study your mistakes.
9. Go ahead and daydream.
10. Think about thinking.
Posted in Something Different No Comments »
Written on
August 14, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The ABA’s McElhaney on Litigation reminds us of how to persuade a judge.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
“You are talking directly to a fellow human being about the ‘gut stuff’ of life. What’s right and what’s wrong. Fair and unfair. Just and unjust. This is all about the power of a story to grab the heart of a fellow human—not something that is going to be measured for its adequacy by a professor who is checking to see if you found all the possible legal theories in the case. You already did that weeks ago with your pleadings.
“Remember, the power of persuasion lies in creating a sense of injustice. Judges—like juries—want to right wrongs. If you represent the plaintiff, show—don’t tell—your jury how the defendant hurt the plaintiff. And if you represent the defendant, your point is, it’s wrong for him to pay for what he didn’t do.
“Facts—not arguments, legal conclusions or academic pedantry—are what have the power to persuade.”
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
August 9, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN reports on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s promise to “convey this very kind offer.”
Moni Basu writes (excerpt):
What can 40 goats and 20 cows buy a Kenyan man? Chelsea Clinton’s love, if you ask Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor.
The Kenyan man first offered the dowry nine years ago to then-President Bill Clinton in asking for the hand of his only child. He renewed it Thursday after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was asked about the proposal at a Nairobi town hall session.
CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, the session’s moderator, commented that given the economic crisis at hand, Chepkurgor’s dowry was “not a bad offer.”
Posted in Something Different 1 Comment »
Written on
August 8, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Courtroom Performance’s new book, The Lawyer’s Winning Edge: Exceptional Courtroom Performance highlights four aspects of persuasion.
Lisa L. DeCaro and Leonard Matheo write (excerpt):
Remember these four important truths, and filter all advice through them:
1. Every speaker is different. . . . Be honest with yourself, and with your audience, at all times.
2. Never try to “be” anything. . . . Instead of trying to “be” something, try to “do” things that
accomplish your goals. If you want to appear confident, do what confident people do: stand up tall, with your feet approximately shoulders’ width apart. Balance your weight. Come out from behind the lectern or table. Make effective eye contact. Allow gestures to convey the meaning of your words. Speak strongly, with enough volume to be heard easily at the back of the room. Pause for emphasis. Smile when appropriate.
3. Your focus should always be on your audience. . . . Become conscious of your audience -their needs, their reactions, their mannerisms, their habits, their values. . . .
4. Your biggest asset is your credibility. Never, under any circumstances, do anything that will diminish your credibility. . . .
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
July 30, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
CNN and Parenting.com gives us 11 tips on how to save your marriage from your kids
Teri Cettina’s list includes (excerpt):
Create warm welcomes
Try 20-minute reconnects
Set early bedtimes
Share the load
Encourage your kids’ independence
Revive your past
Put sex on your schedules
Fight as if the neighbors can hear you
Remember: Dad’s way works, too
Be a cheap date
Understand the stages of marriage
Posted in Families/Children, Relationships No Comments »
Written on
July 25, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative child specialists in Grand Rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Peter Everts
Mary Lier
Linda Ringleka
Michael Ryan
Leslie Visser
Posted in Collaborative Divorce No Comments »
Written on
July 24, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative mental health professionals and divorce coaches in Grand Rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Craig A. DeWitt
Peter Everts
Denise Hames
Mary Lier
Linda Ringleka
Michael Ryan
Thomas Spahn
Leslie Visser
Charlene Wickering
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 1 Comment »
Written on
July 23, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
Gentler Divorce’s list of collaborative attorneys in grand rapids who are trained and committed to collaborative divorce includes:
Deborah Bennett Berecz
Melanie DeStigter
Anthony Gauthier
Susan Wilson Keener
Courtney L. Quist
Ric Roane
David Sarnacki
Randy Velzen
Posted in Collaborative Divorce 1 Comment »
Written on
July 10, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
ABA Journal’s McElhaney on Litigationshows how to make your closing argument ring true.
Jim McElhaney writes (excerpt):
Cabbages and Insance Goats
“Thirty years ago, the late Craig Spangenberg of Cleveland said, ‘The greatest weapon in the arsenal of persuasion is the analogy, the story, the apt comparison to something the jurors know from their own experience to be true.’
Circumstantial Evidence
“When the defense lawyer stood up he said, ‘Nothing but circumstantial evidence, huh? When I was a boy, my father read Robinson Crusoe to me. I remember when Crusoe was all alone on a desert island, and one morning when he went to the shore, he saw a footprint in the sand—and he knew it wasn’t his. The effect was so powerful that Crusoe fainted dead away, only to awaken to find the man he called Friday standing over him.
Posted in Persuasion/Advocacy No Comments »
Written on
July 6, 2009
by
David C. Sarnacki
The Detroit Free Press identifies the need for couples to take action, work with their marriage counselor and avoid four obstacles to a successful therapy relationship.
Alex Kecskes writes (excerpt):
1. Couples don’t have a goal in mind. They’re stuck in their own feelings about the relationship, their own blame about how their partner has wronged them, and they have a never-ending list of excuses. . . .
2. Looking more deeply at a relationship rather than just calling it quits incites fear in many couples. What is healthier and more beneficial is if pairs face what they dread most and conquer it. . . .
3. If couples want to be in a relationship, they have to do something about it. But doing something has to be more than just saying they desire a better relationship and then hoping for it with all their might. To reach a goal, couples must take action.
4. Many couples look at counseling as a drain on their finances instead of an investment in their relationship. They convince themselves that their issue isn’t that big, after all, that they can fix it themselves, or that it’ll miraculously disappear … just to save a few bucks. . . .
Posted in Relationships No Comments »
